Things change! Yes my friends believe it or not when you become involved in a relationship or marriage there are certain things in your life and social life that will change. Unfortunately one of the things that we see change for the worse many times are our friendships. I know you have seen the scenario when a woman is tight with her best girlfriends, but then she gets into a relationship with a man and all of sudden her friends (especially her single friends) become really salty towards her. Suddenly she is a “sellout” because her social life involves her man more and her outings become more couple friendly. Then ultimately comes the statement “well she just flipped on us now that she has a man.” Okay now before we put on the boxing gloves to have this fight let’s explore the situation a little deeper. Come follow me!
When we decide to embark on a relationship we decide to put someone else in our lives that we are going to make a priority. We are trying to build a foundation for a long lasting relationship and marriage and in order to do that it we must spend time together. There are only 24 hours in a day and because this is true there is no way that our lives can remain the same as they were pre-relationship or marriage. I believe there is a disconnect that happens because we aren’t realistic about expectations. Sometimes friends expect that we will have the same amount of time to just chill with them as we used to. This is not to say that we should turn our backs on our friends, but it is to say that both parties, the friends and the person in the relationship, must learn to reach some type of balance.
Now let’s address another issue that seems to arise between friends when one gets involved in a relationship. Remember when I said that things change? Well that includes social activities as well. It’s only natural that when someone gets married they begin to share some of the same activities as other married people. People tend to hang around people that have like interests and there is nothing wrong with that. People will gravitate towards the people that they can begin to share the same experiences with and have similar conversations with. Suddenly the conversations become more about family and relationship issues more so than about the last girl or guy you met or the latest bit of drama and gossip that you became privy too. That’s not to say that those things aren’t still interesting or entertaining, but they just become less of a priority. Also the places you go will change. If you are a married man then sometimes it’s hard for your single friends to understand why you might not want to be in the strip club or be in the club until the lights come on anymore. Believe it or not it’s not because he is “whipped” by his wife, he just understands that in those places exist serious temptation and furthermore there becomes a perception issue as well. If you are a married woman sometimes your girls might not understand why you can’t take all of the trips that you used to or why you can’t be her sidekick at the bar as much anymore or why you two can’t be the life of the party anymore. Sometimes instead of her friends understanding that they will label the woman as being sprung or being “controlled” by her man. Maybe, just maybe, she is being respectful to her man.
The final thing I would like to address is this idea of your responsibility within a friendship and what sometimes happens when a friend get married. Our job as friends is to be supportive, understanding, and also honest with our friends. When your friend is married or about to get married why does that seem to be the time that many people become the least supportive? Given the fact that your friend isn’t a bridezilla of sorts I would fully hope that you would be willing to be as supportive as possible of her marriage process and her union. Even if you are single or slightly envious, your job as a friend is not to wear those emotions on your sleeve. If you respect your friend and their union then find ways to help make her life easier and be her escape rather than always presenting more drama or issues. I’m not saying you should cater to her every need, but I am saying be her friend rather than her enemy. If she is getting married, offer to help, if she is married and has kids already offer to help her with the kids one Saturday. Find ways to spend time together that may be more conducive to her lifestyle instead of condemning her for not being able to run with you the way she used to.
What we all must remember is that as we all transition and grow in life our priorities and activities will change, but that doesn’t mean that we can’t still be good friends to each other. One day you will be the one getting married or having kids and you are going to want your best friends to be there for you as well! With all of that said I’m just asking “can’t we all just get along?!”
BMWK — Get involved in the discussion; How have your friendships changed after you entered into a relationship or marriage?