Years ago, when I started dating my now spouse, I would get so annoyed because he had such a hard time planning things in advance. Now, we have been married for almost seven years, and guess what? He still has a hard time planning things in advance. Do I still get annoyed? Not as often, but occasionally I do.
Over time I have come to realize that many of the problems that exist in most of the relationships we have is our inability to accept what is. We get frustrated when our children cry for no reason even though we know very well that 2-year-olds often cry without reason. We get into arguments with our moms about the past, when it’s clear that their perspective on the past will never change. We are mad at our spouse for forgetting some of the grocery items on the list even though he always forgets some of the grocery items on the list.
As human beings, we establish expectations for the people in our lives. Sometimes they are pretty reasonable and sometimes they aren’t because we are establishing expectations based on what we want, not based on who the other person is. When we do that, we are setting ourselves up for frustration and heartache.
I’m a fighter by nature. I like to fight for what’s right and what’s fair whenever I can. If I feel like my life is headed in a direction I don’t like, I fight to get it back on track. If I start something and it’s not working out how I intended, I fight to make things right. That fight I have in me has served me well for years. Unfortunately, it has brought a bit of pain, too, because fighters sometimes have a hard time with surrendering and acceptance. We sometimes want things to fit into the vision we’ve created, and we feel frustrated when they don’t.
With age comes wisdom, and I have learned so much over the years about when to surrender, and the power of accepting what is. These lessons have had a tremendous impact on how I live my life and I am certain this new found wisdom has spared me a great deal of frustration and pain, especially when it comes to my marriage.
Here are 8 things I’ve learned to accept to make my marriage work. Maybe accepting them can help your marriage, too.
His or her past.
We all have one. Reliving it is not in anyone’s best interest. If you decided to marry someone, knowing what his or her past entailed, you have to accept it and move on—no matter what it is.
Genuine apologies.
I know forgiveness can be hard, but when you forgive it’s really about allowing yourself to heal. If your spouse wronged you in some way and you have decided to stay, you have to also decide to accept their apology.
There won’t always be answers.
Human beings usually want an explanation for why things are the way they are, but that explanation is often not available. Life can be challenging, bad things happen to good people daily, and we have to learn to accept it and create the best circumstances with what we’ve got.
Read the remaining 5 on the next page
You will be wrong.
We love to be right, but it just can’t happen all the time. As much as you think your spouse is always wrong, sometimes you are the one who is wrong. Accepting and embracing our imperfections is actually pretty healthy for us all.
You won’t always like your spouse.
I love my husband. There is no question. And I can genuinely say that he is one of my favorite people to be around and I really, really like him—most of the time. There are moments when I don’t care for him all that much. It doesn’t mean our marriage is in trouble or we are doomed—it simply means I am human and we are having a moment.
Some habits won’t change.
You have to accept that your spouse probably showed you who he or she was before you got married. Don’t expect an exchange of vows to change who they are. Sure, compromises should be made, but some of your spouse’s habits will never change.
Some things will matter to you more.
Throughout your marriage, you will have a number of different experiences. In time you will come to realize that you both won’t always feel the same way about a particular issue. That’s okay. Your spouse is not required to share your convictions. Give them the space to choose what matters to them while still respecting what matters to you.
They may process things differently.
Different people express their emotions differently. When your spouse is angry, frustrated, sad, happy, or even devastated, don’t expect them to process things or express their emotions in the same way you would. Everyone deserves to process their experiences in a way that feel authentic and works for them.
BMWK family, what are some things you’ve learned to accept over the years?