by Phil Stevens,
I’m a man.
This is embarrassing and I’m ashamed of myself for it, but I need to confess it. The other day while at the mall, a young woman in skin tight, short shorts turned my head. The rule is I can look for a second or two but I cannot stare. Staring is essentially lusting or fantasizing.
This time – I did. I stared for quite some time and just watched her walk.
After about 20 seconds I noticed a young man staring at her too, not even trying to hide it. He boldly moved in for a closer look. And then I noticed an older man watching her. That slapped me hard in the face! I, was among several men gawking at this woman. I shook it off and bolted for the exit. I was ashamed of myself for objectifying her. Granted, she wore those shorts for a reason, but I need to be responsible for my own actions. There is no hope for me to fully honor God and my wife – operating from that sinful place.
I’m a married man.
Men, Here’s where I think we men fool ourselves into thinking we are justified to objectify and lust after women.
1. If She Wears it, She WANTS Me to Look
That may or may not be true. However, just because she wears it, or doesn’t wear enough, does not give you the right to drool or inappropriately stare. She has her own reasons for her choice of clothing, that shouldn’t justify lusting after anyone other than your wife. If a man drops his wallet, does his mistake mean you can have his money and use his credit cards? I don’t think so.
2. Our Sex Life Has Diminished
Listen to me men. Our lady’s lady parts do not have an on/off switch. We might. But most women aren’t wired like that. She needs to be romanced all day and everyday. I don’t necessarily mean wine and flowers, I mean a kiss before work, a little/lot of housework help, a text or phone call to say – you are thinking of her, reconnecting with her about her or your day after work. Romance is NOT turning over right before the lights go out and jumping her bones. She’s NOT ready yet… and that’s OK. Your wife needs emotional connection and new love everyday. that is the way God wired her. Let me also be clear.. just because the frequency of your sex life has diminished, it does not give you the right to cheat on her, entertain emotional affairs, flirt and/or engage in pornography.
3. Sex is Everywhere!
These days, 85% of commercials, TV shows and/or movies are peppered with sexual innuendos. If these sexual ads are triggers for you, steer clear of them. Arrest them, call them out and chase them away. Even David, a man after God’s own heart (1 Samuel 13:14) was tempted, but he allowed the trigger to manifest into much more. Arrest your triggers!
4. Stop Comparing
It is very difficult not to compare your sex life with OTHER things. Other things such as TV, movies, pornography, locker room talk, etc. That OTHER stuff is not real. The problem with comparing is that you will always find something better if you search for it hard enough. It’s a FALSE scale. And it’s completely unfair to set that expectation of your spouse. How can they measure up to something so unreal?
5. You are a Selfish Little Man
We all are. We are all born selfish creatures. We came into this world wanting to eat, sleep and go to the bathroom and cried if we didn’t get our way. Our selfish nature doesn’t go away when we get married. It may get stuffed for a while, but it resurfaces like a lurking, stealth submarine. Our selfishness comes out when we have unmet expectations. Things we want but don’t get – so we get resentful and angry about it. Sex is the same way. I remember stewing in the dark, in bed after the newlywed years because I expected sex, never said anything and didn’t get it. Sometimes I was so angry, I couldn’t even sleep.
Men our selfishness will/may cause us to sin against God and our wife. We get angry, resentful, frustrated, controlling, manipulative, mean, etc. We tend to justify our fall with porn, lust, flirting with her not meeting our needs. All lies. These are lies hand-crafted by Satan to distance you from God’s will and separate you from your wife.
Arrest the lies, triggers, protect your eyes, communicate expectations, romance your wives and get back into God’s full favor.
I’m a happily married man.
BMWK: Do you agree? Do you stare and/or lust after other women?
Phil Stevens is a Christ follower, happily married father, filmmaker, producer, writer & actor. Creator of Marriage Pressure Points, a film series and marriage community based on a proactive, honest, loving and graceful approach to marital conflict. His heart is to make God proud and collaborate with amazing people to make healthy – every marriage he can.