Dear Dr. Buckingham,
My husband and I have been married for 19 years. He has always had women friendships that he has chosen not to share with me. When I find out about these so call friendships he tells me that it is only a friendship.
Related: Here are 3 truths he wants to tell you but may not know how!
I know deep down in my heart that has not always been the case. Recently, I found out about another “friendship” that he has kept from me for almost ten years. He tells me I have nothing to worry about and he loves me. I want to give him an ultimatum – our marriage or your women friends. I don’t care if it is truly platonic. No Female Friends for My Husband, Am I Asking Too Much?
Signed,
No Women Friends!
Dear No Women Friends,
I do not believe in sugar coating. So here it is; yes you are asking too much. You are coming across as being insecure. Now mind you, you have just cause. Your husband has been, and probably continues to be, dishonest about his relationships with females. Nevertheless, your ultimatum is not rational. Here’s why!
First, you need to explore your trust issues. For some reason, you believe that your husband’s secrecy about his relationships means that he has or is committing adultery. You speculated by stating, “Deep down in my heart.” If you do not trust him, you have more than “other female” problems.
Second, you need to explore why your husband does not want you to know about his friendships.
- Do you show signs of insecurity and drama follows?
- Does he like to play the field and you know this to be part of his personality?
Before you give an ultimatum, you should examine yourself and your husband.
Third, you need to understand that friendships with the opposite sex are okay. My rule is as follows: my wife can communicate with and hang out with any man she wants to as long as I can communicate with and hang out with them as well.
If there is nothing to hide, all friendships are fair game in marriage. If your husband is not willing to introduce you to his “female friends” then you have a problem.
Related: What to do if you’re not comfortable with your spouse’s friends of the opposite sex
Please understand that trust is both a foundation and building factor in marriage. Without it, your marriage is in trouble. Trust is present when open and honest communication is present. I highly recommend that you work on building trust and communicating before you give an ultimatum. Seek to understand the source of your marital problem before you offer a disastrous solution.
Best regards,
Dr. Buckingham
If you have questions for Dr. Dwayne Buckingham regarding relationships (married, single, etc), parenting, or personal growth and development, please send an email to askdrbuckingham@gmail.com
Disclaimer: The ideas, opinions and recommendations contained in this post are not intended as a substitute for seeking professional counseling or guidance. Any concerns or questions that you have about relationships or any other source of potential distress should be discussed with a professional, in person. The author is not liable or responsible for any personal or relational distress, loss or damage allegedly arising from any information or recommendations in this post.