Dear BMWK,
I have terrible trust issues with men. This is my second marriage and we have been together for 15 years, married 14. My first marriage lasted 1 yr and we were both just 21. My husband is a wonderful provider, has taken care of my first daughter from the first marriage since she was 3, now she is 18. We have a daughter together and he always says he has two girls. He is a real man and protector but sometimes he treats me like I’m one of his daughters because he hates when I question him about anything. He does make more money then me like three times more. So he walks around with his chest out, “it pays to be the boss attitude” Anyway, my husband likes to keep in touch with female friends. When we first got together, he stayed in touch with his ex-girlfriend which I hated. Said they were just friends. But when I would check his cell phone calls, they would talk 2 and 3 o’clock in the morning. Doesn’t sound like friends to me. This went on for about 4 years. Then he had another female friend that he claims was really his buddies friend. This girl text him twice on Valentines day like at eleven at night and I remember when he get the text because the phone signal went off. When I questioned who it was texting him on V-day @ this time of the night, he says his buddy about work (they both work the night shift) But again, the spy in me, I wait about a month and check the phone bill and it’s not his friends number so I call it and sure enough it’s a female. She denies and says she doesn’t know who I’m talking about. So I question him and he finally admits that she is just a co-worker “friend”. This was maybe 4 yrs.ago. We went to counseling and talked about the situation and he can’t understand why the counselor and I are both not understanding why he can’t see what the big deal is. Now fast forward to 2007. After counseling, I stopped checking his cell phone bill for about 2-3 years but then he went missing one night and said he was out p laying cards with the guys all night so I started again. Now I always check the cell phone bill online. He has been talking to a female from his class reunion, a female that lives in the same County we live in and another female that works in the same city he works in. Not all at one time but all three in random order within a 12 month time span. The one that I was really concerned about was the one that they text each other almost every morning for about three months. So one day I check his phone and this chicks number is programmed in his phone as Tony but her real name is Tanya. I didn’t know what to do about the situation. I know I have a serious problem with snooping and spying but my first husband gave me some baggage and my second husband is stuffing the bags with a lot of BS. I can never prove that any of these women are more then just friends. And he calls me all kinds of names when he finds out that I’ve been snooping so I can’t confront him. I felt like I was driving myself insane. Now about three months ago his phone was on the desk and he was outside cutting the grass. I check the text from “Tony” and this is what “Tony” said and I quote…”Hey handsome, hubby home call you tomorrow” His response, “Okay, don’t give him too much” (then he puts a stupid smiley face winking) Her response, “When your ready, I have some sweet lips waiting for you” His response, “And there talking a lot of Sh@* right now” (another smiley face). So I was shocked because out of all my years of spying, I never had any proof. Now I did. So I wait until that night and I ask him about it and I mean he goes OFF! How I am so insecure that I am driving him crazy, he wants a divorce, I have nothing better to do, that I can be replaced and that I have NO PROOF that he is talking to some female. So I wasn’t going to let him get away with this one and I say, my co-worker saw you at her job and I name the place she works at be cause the number was showing up on his cell phone bill. (even though I just made that up about the co-worker) And he stopped dead in his tracks. Told me to leave him alone and left for work. He must have realized that he couldn’t get out of this one and the next day came with an apology and a couple of days later came with some, “I’m sorry I got caught” Brian McKnight tickets. So we have been acting like this whole situation is swept under the rug. But it hurts and I can’t seem to trust or forgive him.
HER VIEW:
Your husband is obviously not a trustworthy person. He has repeatedly shown in his actions, in his words and in his constant disrespect for you that he does not deserve your trust. When he is confronted about his actions, he is not remorseful..he is not trying to change his ways. Instead, he flips the situation back to you. He belittles you and he continues his bad behavior.
You have already established him to be untrustworthy.. so why are you focusing your time and energy trying to catch him doing something that you already know in your heart that he is doing.
It’s like something in you wants to give this man the benefit of the doubt.
You need to spend your time and your energy focusing on yourself. You need to get to the point where you love yourself enough to know that you don’t deserve to be treated in this manner. Please go to see a professional counselor and seek guidance from your pastor. Focus your time and your efforts on your emotional well being and on deciding exactly what you want to do with your life and this relationship.
HIS VIEW:
Basically I think the two of you need to decide what to do. Sweeping it under the rug and acting like it didn’t happen shouldn’t even be an option, not even if he got Brian McKnight to wake you up tomorrow morning singing acapella in your bedroom. There seems like there’s been a lack of both respect and communication as far as requirements during this relationship from early on. Regardless of how much money the husband or wife makes they have no right to disrespect the other person. Early on when behavior was going on that wasn’t acceptable you should have put your foot down then. In one sentence you say he’s a real man but then you go on to talk about how you feel disrespected and how you’ve been betrayed in multiple situations.
I will tell you that there’s nothing a man doesn’t like, like being blamed for something he’s not doing but it seems like you’ve caught him doing this so all of the getting mad at you for snooping etc… is just a defense mechanism. The question now is what are you going to do for you. If you go to counseling you both need to come out with an understanding not him being unable to realize or pretending he didn’t do anything wrong even though you caught him. That’s just a head game. Make sure you look out for #1, get some counseling if not for the both of you, go yourself and build yourself back up. You deserve it.
BMWK you know what to do, let her know what you think about the situation. What should her next move be? Was she wrong for snooping?