Dear BMWK,
I have terrible trust issues with men. This is my second marriage and we have been together for 15 years, married 14. My first marriage lasted 1 yr and we were both just 21. My husband is a wonderful provider, has taken care of my first daughter from the first marriage since she was 3, now she is 18. We have a daughter together and he always says he has two girls. He is a real man and protector but sometimes he treats me like I’m one of his daughters because he hates when I question him about anything. He does make more money then me like three times more. So he walks around with his chest out, “it pays to be the boss attitude” Anyway, my husband likes to keep in touch with female friends. When we first got together, he stayed in touch with his ex-girlfriend which I hated. Said they were just friends. But when I would check his cell phone calls, they would talk 2 and 3 o’clock in the morning. Doesn’t sound like friends to me. This went on for about 4 years. Then he had another female friend that he claims was really his buddies friend. This girl text him twice on Valentines day like at eleven at night and I remember when he get the text because the phone signal went off. When I questioned who it was texting him on V-day @ this time of the night, he says his buddy about work (they both work the night shift) But again, the spy in me, I wait about a month and check the phone bill and it’s not his friends number so I call it and sure enough it’s a female. She denies and says she doesn’t know who I’m talking about. So I question him and he finally admits that she is just a co-worker “friend”. This was maybe 4 yrs.ago. We went to counseling and talked about the situation and he can’t understand why the counselor and I are both not understanding why he can’t see what the big deal is. Now fast forward to 2007. After counseling, I stopped checking his cell phone bill for about 2-3 years but then he went missing one night and said he was out p laying cards with the guys all night so I started again. Now I always check the cell phone bill online. He has been talking to a female from his class reunion, a female that lives in the same County we live in and another female that works in the same city he works in. Not all at one time but all three in random order within a 12 month time span. The one that I was really concerned about was the one that they text each other almost every morning for about three months. So one day I check his phone and this chicks number is programmed in his phone as Tony but her real name is Tanya. I didn’t know what to do about the situation. I know I have a serious problem with snooping and spying but my first husband gave me some baggage and my second husband is stuffing the bags with a lot of BS. I can never prove that any of these women are more then just friends. And he calls me all kinds of names when he finds out that I’ve been snooping so I can’t confront him. I felt like I was driving myself insane. Now about three months ago his phone was on the desk and he was outside cutting the grass. I check the text from “Tony” and this is what “Tony” said and I quote…”Hey handsome, hubby home call you tomorrow” His response, “Okay, don’t give him too much” (then he puts a stupid smiley face winking) Her response, “When your ready, I have some sweet lips waiting for you” His response, “And there talking a lot of Sh@* right now” (another smiley face). So I was shocked because out of all my years of spying, I never had any proof. Now I did. So I wait until that night and I ask him about it and I mean he goes OFF! How I am so insecure that I am driving him crazy, he wants a divorce, I have nothing better to do, that I can be replaced and that I have NO PROOF that he is talking to some female. So I wasn’t going to let him get away with this one and I say, my co-worker saw you at her job and I name the place she works at be cause the number was showing up on his cell phone bill. (even though I just made that up about the co-worker) And he stopped dead in his tracks. Told me to leave him alone and left for work. He must have realized that he couldn’t get out of this one and the next day came with an apology and a couple of days later came with some, “I’m sorry I got caught” Brian McKnight tickets. So we have been acting like this whole situation is swept under the rug. But it hurts and I can’t seem to trust or forgive him.
HER VIEW:
Your husband is obviously not a trustworthy person. He has repeatedly shown in his actions, in his words and in his constant disrespect for you that he does not deserve your trust. When he is confronted about his actions, he is not remorseful..he is not trying to change his ways. Instead, he flips the situation back to you. He belittles you and he continues his bad behavior.
You have already established him to be untrustworthy.. so why are you focusing your time and energy trying to catch him doing something that you already know in your heart that he is doing.
It’s like something in you wants to give this man the benefit of the doubt.
You need to spend your time and your energy focusing on yourself. You need to get to the point where you love yourself enough to know that you don’t deserve to be treated in this manner. Please go to see a professional counselor and seek guidance from your pastor. Focus your time and your efforts on your emotional well being and on deciding exactly what you want to do with your life and this relationship.
HIS VIEW:
Basically I think the two of you need to decide what to do. Sweeping it under the rug and acting like it didn’t happen shouldn’t even be an option, not even if he got Brian McKnight to wake you up tomorrow morning singing acapella in your bedroom. There seems like there’s been a lack of both respect and communication as far as requirements during this relationship from early on. Regardless of how much money the husband or wife makes they have no right to disrespect the other person. Early on when behavior was going on that wasn’t acceptable you should have put your foot down then. In one sentence you say he’s a real man but then you go on to talk about how you feel disrespected and how you’ve been betrayed in multiple situations.
I will tell you that there’s nothing a man doesn’t like, like being blamed for something he’s not doing but it seems like you’ve caught him doing this so all of the getting mad at you for snooping etc… is just a defense mechanism. The question now is what are you going to do for you. If you go to counseling you both need to come out with an understanding not him being unable to realize or pretending he didn’t do anything wrong even though you caught him. That’s just a head game. Make sure you look out for #1, get some counseling if not for the both of you, go yourself and build yourself back up. You deserve it.
BMWK you know what to do, let her know what you think about the situation. What should her next move be? Was she wrong for snooping?
THE OTHER VIEW:
There is one of two things that one can do when you have been wronged; you can tolerate it or you can’t. If you can tolerate it, you find a way of living with it without losing respect and love for yourself. Remember, you did not do this, it was done to you, to your relationship. If you can’t tolerate it, you can put an end to it by removing yourself from that space or you can put an end to it while you remain in that space. If you remain in that space, you will have to change the rules irrevocably and he changes the behavior irrevocably. He has to apologise, not with some tickets, but by recounting in his words (preferably in writing) all incidents of deceit and disrespect and then asking for forgiveness for each incident. You choose whether you want to forgive him or not. If you decide that you are not going to forgive him, you can’t remain in that relationship, not for the money, not for the children and especially not for him. If you decide to forgive him, then you both need to nurse each other back to good relationship health – you have to become each others therapist. His treatment to help him atone and decist and yours to be able to trust him again, trust he can only earn through years of decisting. He will soon learn how good it feels to decist and then it will become second nature.
MoAfrikas last blog post..De-Bait or not De-Bait, that is the question . . .
I have learned, you can’t change anybody but yourself. The man is going to do what he wants. The issue is now what’s it worth to you?
You could get in the dirt with him and start running around ,fair game? Remember you have to face your self and your daughters. You can continue the so called marriage and just live your seperate lives each doing their own thing. In the end you deserve happiness, how you going to live in a house without trust, love and a whole lot of stife. A woman needs peace of mind to have a happy home, you just have to decide how you are going to have that and what it’s worth to YOU?
MoAfrika,
That was GREAT wisdom! I just want to piggy back on what you said by adding the following viewpoint:
If he has, in fact, committed some kind of adultery (whether emotional or sexual), then it is incumbent upon you, as his wife, to forgive him. I believe that process actually starts with you forgiving your first husband.
Now, forgiveness in this sense DOES NOT mean to lay down and allow the behavior to continue, nor does it mean you totally absolve the guilty party of any consequences or responsibility. What it does is frees your mind up from all these insecurities, hurts, blaming yourself, etc.
Unforgiveness, more than anything else, can KILL you from the inside out. All kinds of autoimmune diseases are known to stem from a person’s unwillingness to forgive any wrongdoing that made them feel like a victim.
I agree with MoAfrika. The choice is yours as to whether you stay or leave. The choice is also yours as to whether you forgive or not. But forgiveness removes the power the other person has over you. The kind of power they don’t even know they have, because they’re sleeping well at night, and your up in the midnight hour, crying out and hurting. We give that power to a person whenever we say that we’re going to hold a grudge against them “until death do us part.”
It’s unhealthy, ungodly, and above all, it does more harm to YOU than to the person you haven’t forgiven.
Listen. I’m going to be frank because I don’t like skirting issues. YOU, my sister, need to find the courage to leave this bum.
I say find the courage.
He is taking advantage of your weakness. Even though your husband is a complete bum, and any man that parades around like a rooster just because he makes more money than his wife, and lords it over her the way you described, is a complete BUM, the problem is not his.
I don’t want to hurt your feelings, but it’s obvious that you have low self esteem, and people, mostly women with low self esteem find themselves in situations like yours, because you don’t think much of yourself so you take anything that comes along, and it’s a shame because you’ve probably been taken advantage of all of your life. You probably cry all the time, and feel sorry for yourself too. It seems to me that people like you thrive in situations like this, because any rational thinking person would not put up with the crap that you are dealing with. I’m not trying to be harsh, but you need to hear the truth, because the truth is the only thing that will set you free. There’s enough people feeling sorry for you already, I feel sorry for you, but what you need is HELP.
I don’t want to hear any more excuses from you. You mentioned that you are working. Hopefully you have family and friends that can help you. Bottom line: You need to leave your husband (the bum), and seek professional counseling. Don’t wait on a divorce, you can get one later. You need to LEAVE, and then seek help. You are the one that needs it, not him. He’s fine with everything the way it is. He doesn’t have a problem, you do.
Now pull yourself together. You are a worthy human being. God made you to be strong not to live in fear. If you continue to live the way you are living you will be dead soon from stress or living in an asylum somewhere.
I don’t know what the hell I would do…
BallerAlerts last blog post..FEMALE BALLER – BEVY SMITH – PAID TO BE A SOCIALITE
You have received some very good input from all of the readers. I think a repeating tip is that you must get yourself together and stop allowing this man to treat you this way. Whether you stay or whether you go…you need to get your mind straight. Be be strong!! If you stay with this man that is acting like a fool…you need to be strong..see him for what he is and make changes in your life that are going to make you happy.
I have heard older women like my mother and aunts say you need to stay in that relationship for those kids. But they also say don’t put up with any crap…put that man in his place and get your mind together. I don’t know if I totally agree with staying in a relationship because of the kids…this might be because I have always been financially capable of taking care of myself and kids. Personally, I would leave. But if you have a reason to stay and he continues to act like a pure idiot..then you need to ignore that fool and go about the business of getting yourself together.
In my past, I stayed in a bad relationship a lot longer than I should have. I accepted bad treatment a lot longer than I should have..and when it was all said and done…it was harder to forgive myself than it was to forgive him. Why did I not value myself enough to not accept this treatmant from a man. Harriet is right…you have to forgive… him and yourself!!!
the topic have help me so much. THANK YOU
Unfortunately, our past relationships dictate our actions in current relationships. Honey there is no need for you to snoop, there is no need for proof. This situation is what it is….it’s not a matter of you not trusting him, it is a matter of him exhibiting untrustworthy behavior to begin with. Unfortunately you did not mention the number one must in a marriage – GOD. When you get married, you are suppose to forsake all others and make your marriage your top priority, especially respecting and honoring your spouse. Friends of the opposite sex become BOTH your friends or not at all. It is clear that your husband is in contact with other women to fill whatever void HE has (notice I didn’t say you not fulfilling this void.) He would have done the same whether it was with you or any other woman because of his own issues.
You cannot fix him but you can reevaluate your situation. In the meanwhile, use a condom if you decide to make love to your husband or cut the sex off, because you must protect yourself. Leave his phone alone and stop questioning him, you know the answer already and do not need a woman with his boxers to tell you the truth. Whether he is sleeping with someone or not, his first and your first priority should be respect and it is not. Spend sometime with your friends, and most importantly your daughters who have been witness to this bickering and chaos. Get all dolled up, call the sitter and spend a night out (not with another man two wrongs don’t make it right) and concentrate on you. He’ll look up and start to wonder ” hmmm where is she going…..who is she with…why isn’t she worried about my whereabouts anymore.
Wishing you luck
Renue
Hello everyone, this is me, I Spy…I just have to comment on some of the advice that has been given. I was very surprised that the post went up so fast and a little embarrassed that I put my life out there like that. I’ve never done anything like this before. I am a very private person. But I must say that this has opened my eyes to a lot of things because you guys are bias and speaking from your hearts. First off, GREGG…I am not a crier I keep a lot inside. And that can mess with your health. My family and co-workers have no idea what I’m going through because “I don’t” want people to feel sorry for me. If anything people always come to me for a shoulder to cry on. I just told my oldest sister what was going on this weekend because I’m tired. I’m a Scorpio so we don’t cry, we sting. Gregg, I’m glad your being straight up front with me and so called, “keepin it real” But in reality, I just can’t get up, take my girls, flat iron, purse and leave. My oldest daughter has a pending scholarship and 5 months before she graduates, my car will be paid off in two months and his cash, I’ve begun to stash. After seeing that text from “Tony” I made a 5 year plan with me being on my own with my girls and how I plan to do it financially. I do think that I need counseling for myself and focus on me and my girls. The energy i use to being a spy can be focused on something else. Renue, thanks for mentioning GOD. I am missing that aspect in my life and it shows. I did not grow up going to Church but I do believe in GOD. My mother was very sick most of my life with Cancer and MS so I think that has a lot to do with me wanting a provider because my father took care of my mother but I didn’t see them being happy together. And my husband said his father would cheat on his mother and take him as a young child to the other womens house. Which is not an excuse for his behavior. All of you have given me some good advice that I will take to heart. But as I said before, I’m tired and I have been coming to this point for a long time to leave. So instead of saying, “what should I do” I think I already know what I NEED to do. I think I just wanted the advice from strangers because I don’t tell my business to my family or friends. You guys have helped me more then you know. And like some of you said, it’s up to me! I need to forgive for ME. I also need to forgive my ex-husband. MoAfrika I will take your advice once I let him know I’m real by leaving. Maybe in the future we can help each other heal because I do Love him.
It will be hard because he is a good dad. My oldest considers him her dad. When my oldest was growing up and her real dad would stand her up, my husband was there to talk to her and tell her that his dad did the same to him. He was the one who went to the bus stop when she had a bully messing with her, he is the one that helps with homework and cleans up throw up. He is the one that goes to school programs and plays with them outside. Taught my oldest how to drive, etc. He is a good Dad to my girls but not a good partner to me. And if I’m not happy how can my girls be happy. Reading some of the post has helped me realize that it’s not me, that he does have a void that I can not change. And that I do need to leave for my peace of mind and lack of respect from him. Something I should have done 13 years ago. I will go to counseling and I will start going to Church. And yes, I do think that I am suffering from low self esteem. And I need to figure out why.
What a deep post. Nice to know that your husband treats your girls well. The problem is he is not doing the same to you. My comment will reflect a comment I made on a different post. “Can men and woman be friends”. I think I said” If one is gay/lesbian”. You can be friends. You can also be friends with your family. Don’t try to cling on and make/think your new wife/gf has to accept your friendship after your done dating and married to someone else. A man is to leave the nest and cleave to his wife. Not his past gf(s). That to me is disrespectful.
We can let a man tear us down :spirtually, mentally or physically, as long as they don’t do the same to our kids it’s fine. WRONG. Kids know what is going on or not going on whether you care to share with them or not. Kids see all and pick up on our moods. Your husband may make you happy by making your life style while having kids “gravy” but is it worth it at the end of the day? As you stated, “you already have your answer”. I am just voicing my comment to wake up more ppl. “too snoop or not to snoop, if you snoop you shall find, but one who snoops already knew the “I SPY game. (you got your evidence and he is caught). It is what you do with it that the evidence matters. All men are not pigs, creeps, or insentive.
I Spy,
You’re much more courageous than you think. It takes courage to admit that you’ve put yourself through unnecessary heartache and drama. It takes courage to begin to plan for what seems to be the inevitable. It takes courage to admit that you fall short in certain areas. Courage is not the absence of fear, but the pressing ahead in spite of that fear to fulfill purpose and destiny.
Those very courageous admissions you have made open the door for the Lord to work with you in the areas where you’re incomplete. That’s where surrender to Him comes to play. If you’re going to go to church, PLEASE make sure it’s a church that is teaching the whole counsel of God, where you can go in one way and leave changed for the better, no matter how painful that change may be.
I think you’re on the right track, and I salute your resilience. Your children will no longer be doomed to repeat the same mistakes you have made (would you want your baby girls to endure what you’ve had to in a relationship?).
You’ve had the ability to aid others in their time of need. Now is the time for you to ALLOW the Lord to aid you in your time of need. He will not despise you or turn His back on you. He’s been waiting for you to get to this point, and NOW is the time and season for your change. I’ll be praying for you.
I Spy
The above posters have made extremely valid points. Especially the post that said children know what’s going on. My parents got divorced when I was 10. That’s because I told my mother to get a divorce. All I knew was that my dad was making my mom unhappy and that was making me unhappy. Your girls most likely feel the same way about you. They want you to be happy and if they see their dad making you unhappy that probably really hurts them. You will be on the right track turning everything over to God, he will not steer you wrong. Like another post said, he was waiting on you to realize you really need him, not he’s ready to take over.