by Ronnie Tyler
What happens when things go wrong in your marriage or relationship? Do you turn on each other or do you look to each other for comfort and support? What if your partner screws up majorly? Do you criticize him/her…do you say I told you so? Or do you provide love, support and reassurance?
Lamar and I turned on each other once when we thought I was pregnant with our now 3 year old daughter. I told Lamar that I thought I was pregnant based on how I had been feeling over the last few days. So we were so excited and anxious to find out the truth. Even though it was probably too early to determine if I was pregnant with a home pregnancy test, we thought we would buy one of the early indicator tests. I can remember vividly how happy we were to go to the drugstore and purchase the test. We were smiling and giggling and happy!! I took the test and we could not even wait until the results came back…. we couldn’t wait until all of the lines appeared on the test. Now as I remember it, it was Lamar’s idea to call his mom before the test results came back. He told her that I was pregnant. She was so happy for us. So of course if he called his Mama, then I had to call my Mama. I called my Mom and told her what we were up to. And she was soooo excited about the news. I bet when I hung up the phone she immediately began dialing her normal list of gossip partners (my sister, my aunt, and some of my cousins…) Anyway…flash forward to a few minutes later, it was time to read the results. Guess what, I was not pregnant. And the two of us were sitting there looking as silly as ever. And it was on from there…we turned on each other. We went from being in love and happy and giddy to blaming each other for this mistake. He was like you should know how to read a pregnancy test, you already have two kids. And I was like, whose bright idea was it to call people before the test results came in. Now that we look back on the situation…it was quite hilarious. My mom and mother-in-law both had a good laugh at our expense.
We don’t make a habit out of turning on each other. In fact, that is really the only example that I have where we blamed each other as opposed to supporting each other. Now don’t get me wrong, we have our share of disagreements. But there is one thing that we always keep in mind: in the words of Rev Run, “…it’s more important to be kind in a marriage than to be right.”
I have to say that Lamar’s been my role model when it comes to this principle. As most of you know, we have a blended family. I had two kids when we met. And naturally we experienced some growing pains after we all moved in together. I can remember vividly a disagreement we had one day over the kids. Actually I don’t remember what the disagreement was about…the one thing that sticks out in my mind is Lamar saying to me: “I love you and I will do whatever it takes…” Those words were so powerful.. I still hear them when we have a disagreement…even when he does not say them…I know he loves me and he will do whatever it takes to make sure that our family/marriage succeeds.
BMWK Family here are couple of things to remember the next time things go wrong in your relationship:
* Be Kind – As stated above, it’s better to be kind than right. If your spouse messes up, you don’t need it to throw in his/her face. He/She probably already feels bad enough as it is. What your spouse needs is your love and support…not your criticism.
* Remember that you are on the same team and that you are in love. As Whyte23, one of our BMWK Family members, so eloquently stated: “We agree that we are a team trying to reach the same goals, we agree that we are not in a battle, we will not collide, we will not fight, and if and when we disagree we vow to remember that we are not adversaries but lovers and best friends.”
* Strengthen your marriage before the storm. No one is perfect and no marriage is perfect..so problems and disagreements will arise. Why wait until problems arise and then run to a counselor to learn how to communicate and work things out. Why not work on strengthening your marriage and your communication skills before problems arise. “Depending on how we face the storm it can either strengthen us or destroy us as a couple. If we choose to face the storms of life together we can not only survice them but grow closer and stronger than ever before.”
BMWK family what are some of the things you do to make sure you don’t turn on each other?