After blessing us last year with a few posts on her journey to the altar, writer and cultural critic Jonesi is back with a guest post for you to enjoy. Check it out!
by Jonesi
Everyone is entitled to their own opinions regarding love, relationships and marriage. Standards even. But while reading the article, “What Black Men Think (When They Think About Women)”, in the latest issue of a popular black magazine, I was shocked and appalled by the advice given by a married man in a group discussion. When asked, “Do black women REALLY get black men?”, it was this response that left me speechless:
“I went to undergrad down in Nashville, Tennessee State. A brother down there told me something that I now quote to my peers, my students: “Don’t ever marry a woman who doesn’t have a father, because she has no clue how to treat a man. I mean, you can say culture, you can say race, but you still can’t get with a woman who doesn’t know fatherhood.”
I initially wanted to dismiss this as another isolated and sensationalized commentary given to add some sort of shock value. I was proven wrong when the exact same comment was uttered in my presence.
Having no idea I was still silently mulling over what I just read the week before, I sat quietly. Hurt and unable to find the words to defend myself nor others who haplessly struggle with “daddy issues” certainly no fault of our own. And I was concerned this young man had no idea how problematic and destructive this mentality would be to his future relationships and is to our community.
I sat there fuming but more so self-conscious; wondering what this meant wholistically about millions of black women….and unfortunately those to come.
I’m more than aware of the void left from being raised without a father in the home and the inevitable baggage most of us carry. Though many of us strive to productively unload various issues in our daily lives, we also desire to build futures and legacies with a partner that won’t knowingly “add” to past disappointments of primarily emotional neglect. But is that the problem? Yearning not to relive a scarring script?
That’s where my resentment set in. Plenty of women grow up in dysfunctional, two-parent homes internally harmed and confused about real love. Yet those of us who didn’t have been typecast and deemed “unfit” as ideal marriage material. Our existence, a sobering majority and societal trend, has been stamped with a disclaimer. A warning sign. Beware!
Is it naive to long for men to feel “I can show her what she hasn’t seen, be an example of what she deserves, and create an example that will not only transform her thinking but (strive to) solidify a new foundation for women – girls – to reference for the future.”
Is this problematic when especially a married man who is aware of not only the problem and seemingly cognizant of the solution feels the ultimate resolution is not to step up to the plate but penalize, demonize and further generalize said woman for existing in the unavoidable state of her “unfortunate” reality?
BMWK family have you heard this quote before? Is this statement justified? Are women who grew up without a dad poor marriage material?
Jonesi is a newlywed, cultural critic and writer.