Recently, I was talking to a friend about relationships and marriage. She made the statement that, “You know, you see those couples who are always so happy and never have anything bad to say. No one can ever be that happy.” I had to really think about what she said as I was a little taken aback. This was probably in part because I’m that person that will always post about how great my husband is (no really, he is), and never anything disrespectful about the disagreements we may have. Of course our differences and challenges exist and some of them may be petty. But contrary to popular belief (and mainstream media), people don’t need to see or hear all of that! Just because they always appear to be happy, doesn’t mean they are putting on some sort of a show.
Happy couples really do exist because….…
They embrace the challenges.
Sometimes challenges in your marriage arise because you need to be “checked”. You may think there’s nothing wrong with how you talk or handle certain situations. For example, a couple of months ago, my husband thanked me for something I hadn’t even realized would mean so much to him. He was in a bad mood, and when I asked him what was wrong, he told me he had a headache, so I said ok and left him alone. That’s it. I didn’t cop an attitude right back. I didn’t give him the cold shoulder, or the infamous stank face. I simply let him feel what he was feeling and come talk to me when he was ready.
This has always been a challenge for me to do, until recently. I have always been quick to cop an attitude or get defensive with certain things/subjects. I was the Queen of grudge holding. He was not really allowed to get upset even if it had nothing to do with me directly. This one little…okay, a major adjustment in my attitude, has made for some quicker make-ups and happier conversations. Sometimes you are the one who holds the key to a happier marriage.
They praise their spouse in public, and disagree in private.
I’ve honestly never understood the airing of dirty laundry between spouses, especially when it comes to doing it on social media. I had to delete a friend from my Facebook friends list because she and her husband were going at it and disrespecting each other in the ugliest sense of the word…only a couple of months into marriage. There was name-calling, bus rolling, and back stabbing exchanges going on right in the comfort of their own…Facebook newsfeeds. It was nasty and embarrassing.
So yes, I give my husband a lot of praise and probably not even all of the praise that he deserves. I can’t imagine deliberately embarrassing him in public or on social media. We are very conscious of this even if it’s just in front of the kids or family.
Check out the viral video of the gospel song – “Keep Your Business Off of Facebook”
They educate themselves continuously on maintaining a happy marriage.
I thank God for a site like Black and Married with Kids that has opened my eyes to so many great articles, strategies and tools to make me a better wife for my husband and vice versa. Just like most professionals need to seek continuous education (whether it’s training on the job, or certifications), we need continuous education in order to continue working on our marriage to make it better and happier. Study happy marriages, read about happy marriages, and surround yourself with people who are happy in their marriages.
They don’t compare their marriage to the Huxtables, the Carters or the Jones’.
Stop comparing your marriage to what you see, what you hear, or what you dream up in your head. There is nothing perfect about anything here on earth and that includes marriage. Marriage is what you make of it – the good, the bad and the not so great. When you learn to appreciate what you have in your own home (and not your neighbor’s), and what your spouse brings to the table, it can only lead to a happier place. You may not have all the money you want, but you have a spouse that supports, appreciates and is committed to your marriage, which is something that money can’t buy.
They learn how to have fun.
If it’s one thing that we do in my house, it’s that we laugh a lot. Now that the kids are getting older and have caught on, it can sometimes get a bit ridiculous. If the neighbors didn’t really know us, they might be concerned with all the hysterical laughter and screams that come from our house at times. I’m generally the more serious one of the two, but once I get going, it’s a wrap. When things get stressful or crazy, that means it’s time for a fun break. So create one if you don’t have it. Sometimes you just have to stop everything and simply focus on each other.
So yes, happy couples really do exist. The difference between a happy couple and an unhappy couple is the dedication, commitment, respect and work that each of them puts in.
BMWK: What things can you add to this list that you observe in couples that really are happy in their marriage?