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Should Wives Submit to Husbands or Should Spouses Submit to Each Other? Here’s the Answer

I was watching Preachers of Detroit, a show about six preachers in Detroit and their families. On episode 3, the wives and daughters of the pastors, Bishop Corletta Vaughn, and famous gospel singer/evangelist Dorinda Clark Cole were eating lunch at a restaurant. A ladies pow-wow of sorts.

The subject came up of women in ministry. Bishop Vaughn and Dorinda were exchanging about how men, in the church, are cruel to their husbands for being married to such renowned women in ministry. Dorinda explained how her husband, being trusting and secure in who he is, makes their marriage work. She went on to say she respects him, honors him, and “submits to him…”.

“What does that mean?” Bishop Vaughn interrupts.

Excuse me? Bishop? Did you just ask what does submission mean?

After a lively discussion amongst the women, she continues, “But you do know we are to submit one to another. So how does that look? I’m nervous about us always submitting to him and they not submitting to us.”

Over the years, I’ve heard Christian men and women echo “We are supposed to submit one to another” as the great biblical equalizer to the wife’s biblical instruction to submit to her husband. Internally, I’ve always said to myself, ’Yea…but there’s much more to it than that’.

So…after hearing Bishop Vaughn’s question, I determined I needed to clarify this controversy.

Apostle Paul’s Thesis

The famous quote she and others are referencing is Ephesians 5:21. “Submitting yourselves one to another in the fear of God.” But to get proper context, you have to start at verse 15 and extend to the 9th verse of chapter six (reference these verses on your own).

The Apostle Paul is giving to the church at Ephesus instruction about how we should walk (i.e., govern ourselves) (v. 3-4), since we no longer walk in darkness but now walk in the light (v. 7-8).

His thesis is: Christians are to walk wisely (v. 15) and be filled in the Spirit (v. 18). This involves meditating and singing spiritual songs in your heart (v.19) giving thanks (v. 20), and submitting to one another (v. 21).

This is where some get tripped up…thinking that submitting to one another is defined by the one doing the submitting. Not quite. Paul answers Bishop Vaughn’s question, “how does that look”, by providing specific examples how to submit to one another based on your positional status. He starts with those who hold the positional status of wife and husband.

Wives and Husbands

Wives are to submit to their husbands just like the church submits to Christ (v. 22-24).

Husbands must submit to their wives by loving them like Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her (v. 25).

Paul expounds on how to do this to be clear on what submission looks like for the husband (v. 26-31). He touches on how the relationship between husbands and wives is symbolic of the relationship between Christ and the church (v. 32). He concludes by summarizing how husbands and wives should mutually submit to one another in their own respective way (v. 33).

Children and Parents

Next, Paul addressed how children and parent should submit to one another. Children, obey your parents. Honor your mother and father so that you might have a long life (v. 6:1-3).

Fathers submit to your children by not provoking them to anger (v. 4). In other words, don’t assert your will so much that your children are always angry because they never get their way. Be willing to submit to their requests without being a pushover.

Slave and Masters (Employers & Employees)

Lastly, Paul deals with how employers and employees should submit to one another. Employees, obey your employers not just when they’re watching you, but do it like you’re submitting to the Lord and not man (v. 5-6).

Employers, do the same thing; and stop threatening your employees. For, God is master over both you and your employees (v. 9).

All of these are examples of how we should submit one to another. They are commands, not suggestions. And, our responsibility to walk wisely in the light and be filled in the Spirit is not contingent on our spouse, children, or employer/employee’s mutually submitting to us.

So, for those who no longer walk in darkness, but walk in the light, whatever positional status you’re in, govern yourselves accordingly.

How do you mutually submit one to another in your relationships?

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