I was watching Preachers of Detroit, a show about six preachers in Detroit and their families. On episode 3, the wives and daughters of the pastors, Bishop Corletta Vaughn, and famous gospel singer/evangelist Dorinda Clark Cole were eating lunch at a restaurant. A ladies pow-wow of sorts.
The subject came up of women in ministry. Bishop Vaughn and Dorinda were exchanging about how men, in the church, are cruel to their husbands for being married to such renowned women in ministry. Dorinda explained how her husband, being trusting and secure in who he is, makes their marriage work. She went on to say she respects him, honors him, and “submits to him…”.
“What does that mean?” Bishop Vaughn interrupts.
Excuse me? Bishop? Did you just ask what does submission mean?
After a lively discussion amongst the women, she continues, “But you do know we are to submit one to another. So how does that look? I’m nervous about us always submitting to him and they not submitting to us.”
Over the years, I’ve heard Christian men and women echo “We are supposed to submit one to another” as the great biblical equalizer to the wife’s biblical instruction to submit to her husband. Internally, I’ve always said to myself, ’Yea…but there’s much more to it than that’.
So…after hearing Bishop Vaughn’s question, I determined I needed to clarify this controversy.
Apostle Paul’s Thesis
The famous quote she and others are referencing is Ephesians 5:21. “Submitting yourselves one to another in the fear of God.” But to get proper context, you have to start at verse 15 and extend to the 9th verse of chapter six (reference these verses on your own).
The Apostle Paul is giving to the church at Ephesus instruction about how we should walk (i.e., govern ourselves) (v. 3-4), since we no longer walk in darkness but now walk in the light (v. 7-8).
His thesis is: Christians are to walk wisely (v. 15) and be filled in the Spirit (v. 18). This involves meditating and singing spiritual songs in your heart (v.19) giving thanks (v. 20), and submitting to one another (v. 21).
This is where some get tripped up…thinking that submitting to one another is defined by the one doing the submitting. Not quite. Paul answers Bishop Vaughn’s question, “how does that look”, by providing specific examples how to submit to one another based on your positional status. He starts with those who hold the positional status of wife and husband.
Wives and Husbands
Wives are to submit to their husbands just like the church submits to Christ (v. 22-24).
Husbands must submit to their wives by loving them like Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her (v. 25).
Paul expounds on how to do this to be clear on what submission looks like for the husband (v. 26-31). He touches on how the relationship between husbands and wives is symbolic of the relationship between Christ and the church (v. 32). He concludes by summarizing how husbands and wives should mutually submit to one another in their own respective way (v. 33).
Children and Parents
Next, Paul addressed how children and parent should submit to one another. Children, obey your parents. Honor your mother and father so that you might have a long life (v. 6:1-3).
Fathers submit to your children by not provoking them to anger (v. 4). In other words, don’t assert your will so much that your children are always angry because they never get their way. Be willing to submit to their requests without being a pushover.
Slave and Masters (Employers & Employees)
Lastly, Paul deals with how employers and employees should submit to one another. Employees, obey your employers not just when they’re watching you, but do it like you’re submitting to the Lord and not man (v. 5-6).
Employers, do the same thing; and stop threatening your employees. For, God is master over both you and your employees (v. 9).
All of these are examples of how we should submit one to another. They are commands, not suggestions. And, our responsibility to walk wisely in the light and be filled in the Spirit is not contingent on our spouse, children, or employer/employee’s mutually submitting to us.
So, for those who no longer walk in darkness, but walk in the light, whatever positional status you’re in, govern yourselves accordingly.
Renee says
Very detailed explanation of the various roles of submission! And you’re right, these are commands and not suggestions.
Heath Wiggins says
Thanks for your comment Renee.
Anonymous says
Thank you for explaining the answer, a person can learn something new every day.
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Charles says
So this is what creates the mumbulling at weddings during the reading of vows. Be aware that the enemy starts at the beginning his work at separating your union. Stay prayerful!
Amber Cosby says
This goes back to the question of can a woman be a bishop? Scripture says when explaining the office of bishop the he is to be the husband of 1 wife. Not the wife of 1 husband. This also speaks to deacons and elders. So the woman are both out of line with scripture in the first place. It wouldn’t be a topic of discussion if they really knew scripture because they would understand the role they should play in the church.
Heath Wiggins says
That’s a whole other topic…women in authority at church. Great point Amber. Thank you for your comment.
Amber Cosby says
1Timothy 3: 1- the end of chapter
T. Henry says
Excellent discussion.
There is an oath of God between the married couple, which is not to be trifled with. Man and wife should continue to their lives’ end, in holy love and peace. Submission is the duty of the husband and the wife as has been stated. For the wife, it is submission, not to a severe Lord or stern tyrant, but to her own husband, who is engaged to AFFECTIONATE duty. And husbands must submit to love their wives with tender and faithful affection, creating the environment for her to thrive in and presenting herself back to him in a radiant and adorable light!
The man who sanctifies his wife as Ephesians 5:25-27 instructs, understands that this is his divinely ordained responsibility…and in submitting to THAT is where he submits to her. To paraphrase a previous discussion from this very site: Is my wife more like Christ because she is married to me – Or is she like Christ in spite of me – running to Him trying to get away from me? Is she a better woman because she is married to me or would she be better off without me? We men DO have a “responsibility” about how we impact our wives – and if we’re not impacting them, we have a problem!
Heath Wiggins says
Well stated T. Henry. The work of submission by the husband involves much more work than the wife’s responsibility to submit because his duty is to initiate, lead, and cultivate. He who fails to do so only stymies his own relationship.
Barbara says
My thought is we both share everything about work and house chore and communcation is the key to a happy marriage and sharing with one other about ideas and issues and solving them togather no matter what the outcome may be.
Jeanette says
Say what you will, but I do not agree with a wife submitting to a sinful husband…no one should ever submit to sin. That would be putting man above God and no one is above Him.
Beryl says
None of us can truly tell what God meant when he said to “Submit ye to one another”. But, it was placed there for a purpose, before he speaks to wives. I understand it to mean that, as human beings, there will we all will need to submit to one another, and not necessarily that the submitting person is under the other person’s authority.
Because a human man, the husband is not equal to God, we should not place our husbands in absolute power or authority. Our husbands are sinners. There will be times in a marriage when a husband will fall to his infallible state, he will sin, he will be selfish and want what he wants for his own carnal desires. Wives cannot go along with their husbands sinful ways.
Finally, I have a very good example of one of the times when a wife should not go according to her husband’s .request. When a woman is in labor and then giving birth and is in her delivery room, as a patient, and her husband wants to bring his parents into her delivery room, then the wife has the right to forbid this. What are you all’s take on this ??
Jeanette says
It’s funny how you never see many articles written on the husband’s duty unless it involves headship, but these so-called Christian men always want to focus on anything that benefits them namely submission…smh!
Heath Wiggins says
Jeanette, I don’t think you understand the point of this article. I specifically named the way both the husband and wife are to submit to one another. I intentionally wrote this article without any slant to one’s submission being emphasized more than the others. Could you be reading a bias into this article based on your own beliefs?
Jeanette says
There’s never a balanced approach when discussing this topic that’s why most people chafe articles like this.
Heath Wiggins says
You probably didn’t read these articles I also wrote addressing the husband’s responsibilities:
https://blackandmarriedwithkids.com/2014/09/your-wifes-a-helpmate-but-heres-15-ways-you-can-help-her/
Heath Wiggins says
https://blackandmarriedwithkids.com/2014/05/husbands-3-things-you-need-to-check-before-you-complain-about-your-wife/
Heath Wiggins says
Last one: https://blackandmarriedwithkids.com/2014/04/3-reasons-why-your-christian-wife-wants-to-be-single-again/