I think that most of us have a level of clarity as to what infidelity is in a relationship. It is when someone cheats, creeps or steps out on their significant other. Simply put, it has to do with the breaking of an agreement or bond. Whatever one chooses to call it, the consequences initiate a brutal strain on all aspects of trust related to a committed relationship.
The thing about infidelity is that we typically think of it only within the bounds of emotional and sexual faithfulness. However, there is another manifestation of infidelity which many who have experienced it, say cuts deeper than sexual cheating, yet it is far less discussed – financial infidelity.
Just as it is with sexual infidelity, financial infidelity is defined differently by different people. Here are what are considered to be the most common forms of financial infidelity: hiding money, secret accounts, lying about income, secret credit cards and not discussing financial decisions.
Financial cheating is so insidious that many don’t see it as that big of a deal, until they actually hurt or are hurt by it. So let me throw out a few questions for you to discuss with your spouse:
Is it wrong for us to have a secret bank accounts?
Should I tell you if I come into some extra money?
Do I need to tell you if I get a raise?
Would you care if you found out I had more credit cards and debt than you know about?
Would you be upset if you found out I had more money than you think I have?
As I tell my friends that ask me about how they should structure their financial affairs, “I am not going to pay your bills, so I will make suggestions, but I am not going to tell you how you should structure your money affairs.” Likewise, the answers to the questions above have to satisfy the agreements and balance of your own relationship. As I get older, I get less dogmatic about these things. I have seen things that I would never consider in my own relationship work well for others and vice versa. What does remain important is mutual agreement and willingness to make changes when financial strains are stressing trust in the relationship. If you or your spouse object to any of the answers for the questions above, than clear boundaries need to be set regarding financial faithfulness within your marriage.
Setting Boundaries to Gain Financial Faithfulness
1. Talk. Again, every relationship is different. For some they are fine never talking about money, others may need to talk periodically: annual, semi-annual, bi-monthly, monthly, weekly and guess we should throw daily in too. Whatever the comfort level, talking about money keeps the light shining in the crevices to minimize dark corners where infidelity can creep in.
2. One is a majority. When it comes to finances either of you should be able to raise concerns. Here is an illustration: if I step on your foot I could tell you all the reasons why that should not hurt. But none of my rationalizations would do anything to satisfy the pain of the person whose foot I stepped on. It seems that the one stepping on the other person’s foot never sees it as a big deal. The point is that when it comes to concerns about money, “If it bothers you, then it bothers me, simply because it bothers you.” If one of you objects to how things are going in your family finances, then talk and if needed make changes.
3. Equality for all. Nothing raises the green eyed monster of jealousy like imbalance. Let’s say a wife makes 20% more than her husband, should she get 20% more money to spend? You can answer that one in your own marriage. But let me suggest, regardless of who is making what, to keep it equal.
4. Speak up, ask questions. The fact that financial infidelity brings such strong emotional ties with it, makes it one of those areas that we can become reluctant to bring up. So even though it is a topic that ties our stomachs in knots, speak up. If there is a legitimate reason to be concerned, then ask.
5. Freedom. Any time boundaries are mentioned, it sounds like, we are talking about taking the fun out of life. But that is not the case. The beauty of setting financial boundaries it to allow yourselves enough money to do the personal things you need to do. I have two places I spend “my money,” at the golf course and on overpriced coffee. As long as I have money for those two things, I am good. It is when we don’t have money to do what we want or need to do personally that the schemes are hatched. So set up a financial plan that allows you both to have what you need.
6. Limits. Going hand in hand with freedom is to set limits. At what point do you and your spouse need to discuss a purchase? It might prove a little restrictive if you have to ask to get a cup of coffee or chewing gum but what about a $300 pair of shoes. Do you just roll out to the mall and pick them up, or is it time to touch base with your spouse. Determine the tipping point, when there needs to be a discussion about how much to spend, especially is you are using a joint account. Temptations arise when we work all week and feel restricted to get the things we need or want. But if you have an agreement that you can spend “X” amount, then you can greatly reduce the urge to cheat.
7. Account structure. For however many couples there are, that is how many possible variations of workable account structures there are. Find what works best and by all means if it is not working change it. Just because you have had a structure in place for a while, there may come a point when it does not work anymore, so change it.
The intention is not to become a secret agent against your spouse, please do not monitor your spouse’s every receipt. LOL, I still remember when my wife found out how much I spent on one round of golf on vacation a few years ago. It was a once in a lifetime experience that I kicked out a lot of money for, and had a blast doing it. For a while after that, every round of golf at every low priced, $40 local municipal course, was being scrutinized as if it was “vacation priced” golf.
If your spouse has not given you a recent to suspect anything is amiss – don’t. The idea is to have safeguards and boundaries in place. Because even though it is thought that it could be as many as 80% of couples that deal with financial infidelity, boundaries are beneficial even where things are well. The better control a couple has on their money the better control they can have on managing their relationship as a whole.
So BMWK, what are financial no-no’s in your marriage, and how do you seek to keep them at bay?