Dr. Buckingham,
I came across one of your posts and thought you might be able to give me sound advice. I’ve scoured the Internet for situations similar to mine but none quite reflect what my boyfriend and I are dealing with right now.
My boyfriend and I are high school sweethearts. We broke up in college, reconnected three years ago and now have a 23-month-old daughter together.
Earlier this year, he entered a five-month sexual relationship with a woman, who was affiliated with his job. He continued to communicate with her after he stopped physical contact. She threatened to tell me after realizing that he was no longer interested. He ended up telling me first.
Shortly after he told me, she began harassing me, my friends and my family on Facebook. She also sent messages to me on other means of social media. After a short reprieve, she discovered where I work and has been calling me at my job leaving vile messages threatening my 23-month-old daughter and me. She has left similar messages on the voice mail of my 83-year-old grandmother whose number she also discovered.
I’ve taken legal steps to stop the harassment and contact as has he. We agreed to counseling, which has been good, but the therapist seems to think that we already have a good handle on our recovery.
To date, my boyfriend has been very accommodating with my few requests. One of which was to get a new mattress at his home. I also asked if we could redo his bedroom. Initially, he said anything you need to get you back in our home (we call it 2 houses, one home since we still have 2 residences).
I sent a picture of a room that was inspiration for me. He responded that he wanted to keep the color of the room the same. That set me into an emotional spin that I did not expect. I took it as a sign that he was unwilling to change or do what was necessary for me to feel comfortable in his house again. I shut down, and he became frustrated.
After we talked, he said that there was miscommunication because in my text, I didn’t say that I was referencing the color and not the entire picture. I still felt very emotional and felt that he was not being empathetic to me. We’re at odds now.
I’m curious as to why I reacted so strongly about the color of a room and why he just wouldn’t allow me to do what I need to feel comfortable again.
It’s possible that we are both still stressing from the constant stalking and harassing behavior of his affair partner. She’s a daily part of our lives right now as she calls, texts, emails, shows up to his job frequently.
Perhaps, we will be unable to move toward true healing until her presence is gone. My question is how can we move toward reconciliation while still feeling the presence of the affair partner and what was behind his pushback on changing the color of a room?
I appreciate any light and insight you are able to shine on this very dark situation.
Regards,
Color Corrected
Dear Color Corrected
I am sorry that you had to deal with an affair and stalking. Sadly to say, I can relate to being stalked and the emotional strain it places on a relationship.
Please be mindful that the stalker wins if you allow her to influence you emotionally. The best thing you can do to reconcile with your boyfriend is to face the facts and approach them realistically.
Fact #1: He cheated and caused you a great deal of emotional distress.
Realistic approach: Leave him or love him, but do not return the favor. Both he and his ex-sexual partner made your life hell, but you are still with him. If you want to make the relationship work, work with him and not against him. Do look for things that are not present. Communicate clearly and focus on healing instead of hurting him or yourself.
Fact #2: You will never forget what your boyfriend did and what you experienced at the hands of his ex-partner.
Realistic approach: Process how you feel without attacking and criticizing your boyfriend’s every decision or move. If you choose to remain with him, then choose to work diligently to restore trust. Monitor your emotional disposition and do not allow your feelings to control your mind. Forgive to heal.
Fact #3: Focusing on physical things, such as the color of a room, will not resolve your trust or insecurity issues.
Realistic approach: Do not spend a lot of time focusing on insignificant things such as the color of a room. Acknowledge and express how you feel, and develop a plan to address your emotions. I say this because the color of a room cannot and will not fulfill a void or insecurity. It appears that the battle is internal (inside of you), and it will not end until you find peace from within.
Fact #4: It is impossible to relate to someone else if you cannot relate to yourself.
Realistic approach: You should seek individual therapy because you are having difficulty understanding and controlling your emotions. In order to be able to relate (understand or show sympathy) with someone, you must first be able to relate to yourself. Find out what you need to know to make yourself whole so that you can have a clearer understanding of what it takes to make your relationship whole. When you see clearly as an individual it makes it easier to see clearly as a spouse.
Reconciliation is about finding a way to make two different ideas or facts exist at the same. If you desire to reconcile with your boyfriend, then you should try to restore friendly relations. Try to find common ground and reconciliation becomes easier.
Best regards,
Dr. Buckingham
BMWK, have you ever been harassed by a partner’s ex? How did you handle it?
If you have questions for Dr. Dwayne Buckingham regarding relationships (married, single, etc), parenting, or personal growth and development, please send an email to askdrbuckingham@gmail.com
Disclaimer: The ideas, opinions and recommendations contained in this post are not intended as a substitute for seeking professional counseling or guidance. Any concerns or questions that you have about relationships or any other source of potential distress should be discussed with a professional, in person. The author is not liable or responsible for any personal or relational distress, loss or damage allegedly arising from any information or recommendations in this post.