Dear Dr. Buckingham,
I am a 23-year old African American male and I have been searching for role models who can help me grow and succeed both personally and professionally. I am just starting my career as a computer programmer, but I am so discouraged. I am the only black male in the office and at times I question my abilities. I speak with my father occasionally, but he is a very negative person. He always tells me to be prepared for failure so that I am not blindsided.
Most people are hard on black males and we are seen as some of the biggest failures that God created. I decided to write you because I live my life expecting to fail and hoping to succeed. I have been following you on Black and Married with Kids for several months. Also, I visited your website and thought you would be a great person to ask, “How Can African American Males Overcome Thoughts of Failure and Succeed?”
Struggling Black Male
Dear Struggling Black Male,
We live in a society that expects the worse of black males and hopes for the best. This, unfortunately, has caused millions of black males to focus on negative aspects of our lives. Like you, I lived my life expecting to fail and hoping to succeed. In my opinion, African American males can succeed and overcome thoughts of failure by changing our expectations. Expect to succeed and be prepared for failure.
Expect to succeed and be prepared for failure.
Life’s disappointments can wear us down and cause us to feel helpless and hopeless. It seems like the more we try to be positive… the more things get worse. And, giving up is the rational thing to do.
As a young boy, I was often told that anything that I experienced that did not break me would make me stronger. As a child, I did not understand this concept. But now, I can honestly say that I am a better and stronger man because of personal hardships. I learned that my mind is powerful and sets the stage for my performance.
If I expect to fail, I perform with fear, no motivation, and doubt. Such emotions are destructive and are highly associated with failure. However, if I expect to succeed, I perform with confidence, enthusiasm, and certainty. The latter emotions are uplifting and are very much linked to success.
Shifting your expectations from a failure mentality can lay the foundation for a promising future. Positive thoughts often lead to positive behaviors, thus increasing your chance of succeeding. Life offers no guarantees, but I can guarantee you that if you expect to fail, you probably will (self-fulfilling prophecy).
Examine your expectations or beliefs daily and strive to succeed. A man who believes that he can succeed will expect more and challenge those who offer or expect less of him. Learn to exert yourself and stop living with fear of failing. Failing builds resiliency, and resiliency is a by-product of success.
Jesus was perceived to be a failure by those who prosecuted him, but He was successful in accomplishing what He was tasked to do. Failure is professed from the perspective of the assessor, and his or her view may be distorted.
Learn to define your own success and do not allow others to define it for you. Success can be defined either by outcome or process. It is important to know and learn the difference. Sometimes we go through things in order to learn a lesson. Although we do not always accomplish our desired outcome, the process can be considered a success if we learn from the experience.
Dwelling on your failure can hold you captive and prevent you from achieving greatness. Well-known scripture figures such as Abraham, Moses, Elijah, David, and Peter experienced failure at some point, but they learned from their failure, confessed it to God, and used it to their advantage to advance His kingdom. They expected to succeed and benefited from God’s grace. I encourage you to stop looking to man to help you succeed and ask God.
Ask and you shall receive, seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you; for everyone who asks will receive, and anyone who seeks will find, and the door will be opened to those who knock. ~ Matthew 7:7-8
I know that it can be challenging to remain positive and hopeful as a black male, but if you desire to succeed, turn to the One who can truly help you. I remind you that everything starts and ends with God. Your desire to succeed is achievable if you ask! God created you to succeed and will direct your path if you seek his guidance. I did and it worked for me!
Best regards,
Dr. Buckingham
If you have questions for Dr. Dwayne Buckingham regarding relationships (married, single, etc), parenting, or personal growth and development, please send an email to askdrbuckingham@gmail.com
Disclaimer: The ideas, opinions and recommendations contained in this post are not intended as a substitute for seeking professional counseling or guidance. Any concerns or questions that you have about relationships or any other source of potential distress should be discussed with a professional, in person. The author is not liable or responsible for any personal or relational distress, loss or damage allegedly arising from any information or recommendations in this post.