Dear Dr. Buckingham,
I have recognized that my wife has past issues that I now have to deal with. They include being cheated on in a four year long relationship, being molested by her step dad (he went to jail and her mother didn’t take her or her sister to court to testify; they let him out and he came right back into the house as the man of the house), her real father was a true player and she has sisters that are also her cousins. She says she has dealt with her issues internally and doesn’t feel like those affect our marriage. But I see them in every situation, arguments, and other instances between us. It is now to the point where I don’t even want to be around her. I love her but I am having a real hard time trying to find a reason to stay in this marriage. With all that being said, how do I continue on in this marriage while being the scapegoat to those issues? How Do I Remain in A Marriage with My Emotionally Damaged Wife?
Thanks in advance,
Mr. Emotionally Damaged
Dear Mr. Emotionally Damaged,
I am very familiar with your story, especially from a professional perspective. As a psychotherapist, I have provided therapy to thousands of couples who have similar marital challenges. Through my work I have learned that unresolved childhood trauma can definitely create disharmony in marriage. I conducted a research study that explored how Black women’s childhood experiences, impacted their perceptions and abilities to achieve marital satisfaction.
My research showed that 100% of the women modeled behavior that they observed or witnessed in childhood. With this in mind, it is important to understand that we are all by-products of our environments. This does not mean that we cannot change or overcome our childhood hardships.
Remaining in a marriage with an emotionally damaged woman is not easy, but there is hope! First you should recommend that your wife attend individual therapy. Your wife might have some underlying issues associated with trusting men. Considering that you are a man, she might be projecting her issues toward you. This is common behavior for women who have been betrayed by men. Also your wife might be suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). PTSD is a psychological disorder that is present when individuals experience significant difficulty with moving forward after experiencing significant childhood or adult trauma. Being molested and experiencing cheating can be very traumatic. A professional counselor can assess whether or not your wife suffers from PTSD.
Second, you should consider marital therapy. It is important that you gain insight into your wife’s challenges and let her know that you are committed to helping her work through her challenges. You can also benefit from sharing your emotions and thoughts.
You stated that you love your wife, but you are finding it difficult to find a reason to remain married. Here is one reason – you promised before God to support your wife through sickness. Most people do not view psychological illness as sickness, but it is. You made a covenant so you should focus on making your marriage your number one priority. Pray for wife’s healing and get her the help that she needs.
I do not believe that you have to remain in a marriage with an emotionally damaged woman if your wife is not willing to get help. Her problem is your problem and your problem is her problem. This is what oneness means. Your current marital woes do not necessarily reflect your future. Be and encourage the change you would like to see in your wife and marriage. She needs your empathy, guidance and support more now than ever before.
Best regards,
Dr. Buckingham
If you have questions for Dr. Dwayne Buckingham regarding relationships (married, single, etc), parenting, or personal growth and development, please send an email to askdrbuckingham@gmail.com
Disclaimer: The ideas, opinions and recommendations contained in this post are not intended as a substitute for seeking professional counseling or guidance. Any concerns or questions that you have about relationships or any other source of potential distress should be discussed with a professional, in person. The author is not liable or responsible for any personal or relational distress, loss or damage allegedly arising from any information or recommendations in this post.