Hello Dr. Buckingham,
I’m sort of at a crossroad with my current relationship. I’m a single woman in my late 30’s and have one child who is an adult. He’s recently living in L.A. where he is pursuing his music career. I was in a long-term relationship that lasted about 15yrs. About 3 years ago, I met a very nice and caring man who I believe that I can share the duration of my life with. When we met, the both of us were newly single. He was in a relationship that involved marriage and kids. Although I was in a long-term relationship, I did not have children with my ex. He was separated and later divorced but he has custody of 3 minor children and 2 adult children, who live at home when they are not away for school.
I am now at a place in my life, where I know what I want and need, but I’m also running out of patience with waiting on him to make some moves in our relationship. We’ve talked about marriage and buying a home together. I currently own my own home and he owns his home. We’ve discussed wedding plans and looked at rings. We even discussed how we would want things to be, such as colors and the location. However, he still hasn’t asked me to marry him. We spend most of the week together whether it’s me staying over his place or him staying at my place. We spend all of our holidays together, attend parties and weddings, take vacations together and hang out at each others’ family functions.
Am I wasting my time with him? How long should I wait to be asked the marriage question?
Dear Crossroads,
Congratulations on finding the life of you love. I will answer your question by stating that patience is virtue. Patience is a virtue, has significance for individuals who want what they want now. It sounds like you have something good, but want a little better. This is understandable.
Waiting makes us become jittery and we do not like that feeling.
Like you, I am equally guilty of wanting something immediately, or sooner rather than later. Waiting means that we cannot have want we want today. I get the itch, “why wait until tomorrow.” Waiting makes us become jittery and we do not like that feeling. After a while, our patience wears thin, and we begin looking for instant gratification. When we get it sooner than expected, we have a sigh of relief. This feels good and is rewarding, but be careful.
Some things should happen naturally and should not be timed. Instant gratification might feel good to you, but might not be good for you. Try to appreciate your current situation. I am not suggesting that you continue to give all of yourself if you are not happy and want more. If you want more, maybe you should pull back a little. You are familiar with the milk and cow saying, “Why buy a cow, when you can get milk for free?” I mention this to remind you that some men like to take the path of least resistance. Some of us will say and do whatever is needed to keep you temporarily satisfied.
As I see it, you have two options:
- Assertively express what you need and desire. After you express your desire to get married sooner rather than later. Give him an opportunity to share his thoughts and then determine if you can be patient.
- Be patient. Patience goes counter to our instincts. Patience must be learned and practiced, especially in relationships. It does not always come natural to us, but those who master it become more successful than those who do not. Patience does not come naturally for many people. However, patient people know that waiting for long term gratification is much better than accepting temporary instant gratification. Patient people also know that going slow and doing something right is much better than rushing and doing half a job, or worse, doing it wrong and having to repeat it, which will take longer than if they had waited. I understand that 3 ½ years is a long time to date, but time alone is not a true marker of what can make a relationship work. As stated above, assert yourself and decide if you can continue to wait and be patient.
Good luck with your relationship and remember that being able to wait is a desirable quality. It can be challenging to sacrifice instant gratification in exchange for something better at a later date. This is why it is a virtue. Individuals who have virtue truly understand that it is better to wait for tomorrow to take the full reward, rather than taking a small sample today. Follow and trust in your heart and pray to God. All things happen on His time.
Best regards,
Dr. Buckingham
If you have questions for Dr. Dwayne Buckingham regarding relationships (married, single, etc), parenting, or personal growth and development, please send an email to askdrbuckingham@gmail.com
Disclaimer: The ideas, opinions and recommendations contained in this post are not intended as a substitute for seeking professional counseling or guidance. Any concerns or questions that you have about relationships or any other source of potential distress should be discussed with a professional, in person. The author is not liable or responsible for any personal or relational distress, loss or damage allegedly arising from any information or recommendations in this post.