Loretta. Girl. For real?! You’ve been in a relationship with this man for 17 years and he still hasn’t proposed yet?”
That’s what I wanted to scream as I watched the newest season of Preachers of L.A.
Just in case you’ve never seen it, the hit reality TV show from Oxygen follows the lives of six preachers in the Los Angeles area. All the preachers are married, except one: Bishop Noel Jones.
Although he doesn’t officially have a First Lady, he does have a lady friend, a woman named Loretta. Loretta’s presence at first ladies functions always brings up the question of why she and Noel aren’t married after being together for 17 years.
During both seasons of the show, we’ve seen Loretta tell Noel she doesn’t love him as much as he thinks she does, and then turn around and defend her relationship with Noel. We’ve watched her convince the other first ladies she’s happy the way things are, and then confess to her close friend Omarosa that she wants the Bishop to get her a birthday present that comes in a “little black box.”
It all makes for great drama.
Still, I can’t judge Loretta or Bishop Jones. There are details about the couple and their relationship that we just don’t know, so I won’t come to any conclusions about what Loretta should do.
However, this 17-year-old situationship makes for a good teachable moment for single women who often ask, “How long should you wait for a proposal from your boyfriend?”
The first lesson you should take away from the Loretta/Noel saga is that defining the relationship is key.
You shouldn’t wait for one special day to have “The Talk” with your boyfriend about commitment. You should have “The Talk” early and often so you are crystal clear about what your significant other thinks about marriage.
The second lesson is to listen to see if you both assign the same meaning to the terms you use to define the relationship. For example, I’ve noticed Loretta and Bishop Jones use conflicting terms to describe what they mean to each other: They throw around words like “friendship,” “relationship,” “we’re in a great space,” “I trust you” and “I miss you,” but never “I love you.”
What in the world?! When you’re grown, there’s no need to waste your time with someone who isn’t clear about what they want in a relationship. Don’t assume you both have the same vision for your relationship. Ask!
The third lesson is to know when to leave and when to stay. How long is too long to wait for a proposal? There isn’t an one-size-fits-all answer for every relationship. For example, when I met my husband he kept telling me that he wasn’t looking for a relationship. I clearly knew where he stood, because I believed what he said. I kept boundaries around my time, my heart and my body because I wasn’t going to pretend like we were in a relationship when we weren’t!
Once we did enter into an official relationship, things moved quickly and we were married less than a year after we met.
The reality is most relationships don’t follow a similar timeline, so you need to understand two things about men and commitment:
1) A man can be commitment-minded but still take his time committing to you because he wants to be sure he’s making the right choice.
2) A man doesn’t need 17 years to be sure that he’s making the right choice by marrying you.
An emotionally unavailable partner always feeds you just enough hope to keep you around. Don’t fall for it! If you want marriage and the person you’re dating is still unsure after 3 years, you need to move on.
BMWK, I want to hear from you: How long would you wait for a proposal? Would you wait 17 years like Loretta?