Back when me and my husband were dating, I fell in love with him because of how mature he was. At 18, it was hard to find guys who could deal with major life crises calmly, who didn’t really stress about life or where it was headed, who could get through almost anything without breaking a sweat.
To this day, it is something I absolutely love about him. But it is also one of my biggest pet peeves.
You see, being married to a guy who doesn’t stress out about anything sounds awesome in theory. You always have this calm in the storm; you can rely on them to balance you out when you’re stressed. But in reality, it doesn’t always work that way. Sometimes when I want to know he is just as concerned about an issue as I am, it’s hard to see it past his laid-back demeanor and constant calm.
And there we have the “I thought you liked that about me!” scenario. This is when we fall in love with our spouses for all these amazing qualities they possess and then somewhere down the road, those qualities don’t excite us the way that they used to.
Loved your husband because he’s a neat freak? Now it annoys you because he’s forever hounding you about keeping the house clean, when you don’t think it’s the most important thing to focus on when you have toddlers tearing up the house every moment they’re awake.
Loved your wife because she’s athletic and keeps herself in good shape? Now you’re wondering why you’re spending another Saturday morning alone while she does her marathon training.
Loved your husband because he’s great with numbers and keeps an eagle eye on your family’s finances? Now you’re upset because he’s got the two of you on a strict budget and you just want to buy some shoes without incurring his wrath.
Loved your wife because she was easygoing and fun to be with? Now when you want to have a conversation about politics, she brushes you off and talks about “Real Housewives of Atlanta” instead.
See how this can cause problems over the long term? I had analyze why these “old” behaviors bugged me so much in the present – what had changed? I discovered it’s usually one of two things:
1) YOU have changed. Change is a requirement of time. You grow, you learn new things, you take on new expectations of what you’d like to see in your spouse. I admit that I have become much more ambitious and driven and yes, a little bit more anxious as time has marched on. I push myself a lot harder now and that comes with heightened emotions. When I don’t see that reflected in my husband, I panic a bit, wondering, “Am I all alone in this?” But the truth is, I’m not. Allowing him to be himself, regardless of where I am on my journey, is the best thing I can do for my marriage.
2) The SITUATION has changed. Like in the first example I posted, cleanliness is one thing when it’s just two adults that live in the house together. But when you add toddlers to the mix, things can change. Like with the marathon example, it’s easy to support your spouse’s endeavors in the beginning, but at a certain point you’re going to ask, “Okay, babe – how many marathons are you going to run – for real?” Acknowledging that different situations evoke different expectations and reactions will help you from flipping the script on your spouse late in the game.
Figure out what’s different about your situation now versus then – and address it calmly.
Has your relationship suffered from “I thought you liked that about me!” syndrome? Share your experiences in the comments.