Dear Dr. Buckingham,
I’m a young, single, and soulful black male who is attractive according to my female friends. I get a lot of girls’ numbers, but I can never seem to get past the first date. I grew up in a religious household, but other Christian girls won’t give me the time of day. I embrace the essence of life and I am a passionate young man. I do not understand what I am doing wrong. I’m a Soulful Single Man, but I Can’t Get That Girl: What Am I Missing in My Approach?
Please advise,
Soul Brother
Dear Soul Brother,
Unfortunately, there are thousands of brothers like you on the dating scene. What do I mean like you? Glad you asked. I am referring to Christian brothers who are full of soul and desire to be in a relationship, but cannot seem to “get that girl.” While there may be numerous reasons as to why this occurs, I will offer you three observations.
Observation #1: Stop Being So Serious.
Lighten up and laugh. Women like men who are serious, but also like men who can be cheerful. I am not sure if you come across as if the world is going to end tomorrow. However, if you do, please try to relax. Make the first date a fun date. Let them know that you can be a great protector and provider, but also let them know that you can enjoy life. Living life and enjoying life is not the same. One promotes a serious mentality and the other promotes a cheerful mentality. I often encourage guys to win women over one laugh at a time.
Observation #2: Monitor Your Conversations.
I will preface this statement by saying, I am not passing judgment; but sometimes, Christians can be a little heavy on the “religion/spiritual” talk. While it is important to praise, worship, and speak of God, I recommend that you assess where the young ladies are at spiritually and in life before you jump into Bible discussions.
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Have conversations about life, love, and relationships. Also, listen more and talk less in the beginning so that you can get to know what they like. By knowing what the young ladies like, you can direct the conversations in a positive manner and keep their attention.
Observation #3: Embrace the Swag Factor.
In today’s society, women are paying more attention to brothers who appear to have swag. A man who walks and behaves in a very confident manner is often appealing to women. You may have heard the saying, “good girls like bad boys.” Unfortunately, the idea of women being attracted to men with bad boy tendencies or swagger is somewhat true.
Generally speaking women have been socialized to believe that a dominant man is a real man. I did not say a controlling or abusive man, but a dominant man. Simply stated, they like men with swagger these days. In other words, a man who typically carries himself in a confident manner and speaks with conviction. Given this, I would encourage you to work on your swagger.
My swag factor includes dressing with confidence and appeal. Speaking with confidence and walking with my chin up. Lastly, I had to get my mind right. Swagger is a mind-set and individuals who have it know that they are worthy. With this in mind, I highly recommend that you read books and place yourself around men who are confident, not arrogant or ignorant.
I wish you the best on your journey toward “getting that girl.” Remember that your first impression can be your last impression, so make it a good one. Also, remember that God has already identified the right woman for you so do not chase women who are not worthy of being chased. While you work on you, make sure that the women you date are also working on themselves. All of us can benefit from modifying our approaches, but never compromise your values or beliefs in order to get that girl.
Best regards,
Dr. Buckingham
If you have questions for Dr. Dwayne Buckingham regarding relationships (married, single, etc), parenting, or personal growth and development, please send an email to askdrbuckingham@gmail.com
Disclaimer: The ideas, opinions and recommendations contained in this post are not intended as a substitute for seeking professional counseling or guidance. Any concerns or questions that you have about relationships or any other source of potential distress should be discussed with a professional, in person. The author is not liable or responsible for any personal or relational distress, loss or damage allegedly arising from any information or recommendations in this post.