My wife and I saw the movie ‘The Best Man Holiday’ last month. In the movie, there was a conversation between Jordan (played by Nia Long) and her new boo Brian (played by Eddie Cibrian) that got my attention. [non-spoiler notification]
Brian was in his feelings about how Jordan was carrying him. He was feeling like she wasn’t into him as much as he was into her. So he called her on it. It went something like this:
Brian: “Sometimes I feel like you don’t need me.”
Jordan: “I don’t.”
She quickly realized that her quick response sounded worse than she intended. She tried to clean it up but Brian was already feeling some-kinda-way.
Ladies…tell the truth — shame the devil…have you ever felt like your man’s presence in your life is like a nice accessory — complimentary…but optional? Is your man like that piece of jewelry that you can wear with anything…but if you didn’t wear it — or if you wore another piece — you’d be just as fly?
And fellas…for real…has it ever seemed to you like your girl feels that she could do without you? I mean, it’s like she’s saying, ‘I want to be with you…but I don’t need you’.
That’s what I think Jordan was feeling. She wanted to be with him. But she didn’t need him. But is there something wrong with that? Should Jordan have to apologize because she doesn’t need a man? But why shouldn’t Brian be upset when his woman basically tells him ‘I don’t need you’.
That got me thinking, which is better…to be wanted …or to be needed? After some research, I discovered that the answer depends on how you satisfy your need for love. Let me explain.
Quick Review of Needs
Psychologist Abraham Maslow (1943, 1954) introduced the idea that there are five needs everyone tries to fulfill. They are known as Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs.
The first two needs are people’s most basic needs…the need for survival:
1) Physiological (i.e., breath, food, water, sleep)
2) Safety (i.e., security, shelter, employment).
The next two are social needs that deal with interactions with others:
3) Love/Belonging (i.e., love, family, friendship, intimacy)
4) Esteem (i.e., self-esteem, respect, mastery, recognition)
The last need is related to one’s purpose and legacy in life:
5) Self Actualization (i.e., realizing the full potential of one’s purpose)
Maslow’s theory says that after you satisfy one need (e.g., #2 need for security and shelter), you move on to fulfill the next need (e.g., #3 need for love and intimacy). Some argue, however, that you don’t have to strictly follow the sequential order Maslow outlined. One study showed that someone fulfilled needs #3 and #5 without fulfilling #2 (Tay & Deiner, 2011).
Being needed vs. being wanted depends on how you satisfy your #3 need for love, family, friendship, and intimacy.
It’s Better to Be Needed If…
If for you, the old proverb rings true: it’s better to give than to receive; if you thrive on helping someone fulfill their needs; if you prefer to use your resources (time, financial, material, informational, and emotional) to help other people…then it’s better for you to be needed.
For some, there’s something gratifying about helping someone in need. You take pride in doing it. It makes you feel good. In fact, some people need to feel needed. It makes them feel alive…like they are being used for why God put them on earth. If they don’t feel needed, then they feel emotionally constipated and won’t be satisfied in that relationship.
It’s Better to Be Wanted If…
If you are drawn to someone who doesn’t need you or your resources to satisfy their needs; if you have a strong desire to be loved, cared for, to feel a since of belonging and acceptance with someone who doesn’t have ulterior motives…then it’s better for you to be wanted.
Being wanted suggests you have a strong need to be accepted for who you are…not for what you have or what you can provide. For you, there is something freeing about being able to be accepted…flaws, weaknesses, insecurities and all…without conditions. You long for a safe place where you don’t have to be who the world sees you as. You can just ‘be’…and be accepted.
Which is Better?
So which is better for you? Know…that there’s no good or bad option. Neither is better than the other. In fact, it’s okay to want to feel both wanted and needed. That’s the best of both worlds.
BMWK – Is it better for you to be wanted or to be needed?