My wife and I saw the movie ‘The Best Man Holiday’ last month. In the movie, there was a conversation between Jordan (played by Nia Long) and her new boo Brian (played by Eddie Cibrian) that got my attention. [non-spoiler notification]
Brian was in his feelings about how Jordan was carrying him. He was feeling like she wasn’t into him as much as he was into her. So he called her on it. It went something like this:
Brian: “Sometimes I feel like you don’t need me.”
Jordan: “I don’t.”
She quickly realized that her quick response sounded worse than she intended. She tried to clean it up but Brian was already feeling some-kinda-way.
Ladies…tell the truth — shame the devil…have you ever felt like your man’s presence in your life is like a nice accessory — complimentary…but optional? Is your man like that piece of jewelry that you can wear with anything…but if you didn’t wear it — or if you wore another piece — you’d be just as fly?
And fellas…for real…has it ever seemed to you like your girl feels that she could do without you? I mean, it’s like she’s saying, ‘I want to be with you…but I don’t need you’.
That’s what I think Jordan was feeling. She wanted to be with him. But she didn’t need him. But is there something wrong with that? Should Jordan have to apologize because she doesn’t need a man? But why shouldn’t Brian be upset when his woman basically tells him ‘I don’t need you’.
That got me thinking, which is better…to be wanted …or to be needed? After some research, I discovered that the answer depends on how you satisfy your need for love. Let me explain.
Quick Review of Needs
Psychologist Abraham Maslow (1943, 1954) introduced the idea that there are five needs everyone tries to fulfill. They are known as Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs.
The first two needs are people’s most basic needs…the need for survival:
1) Physiological (i.e., breath, food, water, sleep)
2) Safety (i.e., security, shelter, employment).
The next two are social needs that deal with interactions with others:
3) Love/Belonging (i.e., love, family, friendship, intimacy)
4) Esteem (i.e., self-esteem, respect, mastery, recognition)
The last need is related to one’s purpose and legacy in life:
5) Self Actualization (i.e., realizing the full potential of one’s purpose)
Maslow’s theory says that after you satisfy one need (e.g., #2 need for security and shelter), you move on to fulfill the next need (e.g., #3 need for love and intimacy). Some argue, however, that you don’t have to strictly follow the sequential order Maslow outlined. One study showed that someone fulfilled needs #3 and #5 without fulfilling #2 (Tay & Deiner, 2011).
Being needed vs. being wanted depends on how you satisfy your #3 need for love, family, friendship, and intimacy.
It’s Better to Be Needed If…
If for you, the old proverb rings true: it’s better to give than to receive; if you thrive on helping someone fulfill their needs; if you prefer to use your resources (time, financial, material, informational, and emotional) to help other people…then it’s better for you to be needed.
For some, there’s something gratifying about helping someone in need. You take pride in doing it. It makes you feel good. In fact, some people need to feel needed. It makes them feel alive…like they are being used for why God put them on earth. If they don’t feel needed, then they feel emotionally constipated and won’t be satisfied in that relationship.
It’s Better to Be Wanted If…
If you are drawn to someone who doesn’t need you or your resources to satisfy their needs; if you have a strong desire to be loved, cared for, to feel a since of belonging and acceptance with someone who doesn’t have ulterior motives…then it’s better for you to be wanted.
Being wanted suggests you have a strong need to be accepted for who you are…not for what you have or what you can provide. For you, there is something freeing about being able to be accepted…flaws, weaknesses, insecurities and all…without conditions. You long for a safe place where you don’t have to be who the world sees you as. You can just ‘be’…and be accepted.
Which is Better?
So which is better for you? Know…that there’s no good or bad option. Neither is better than the other. In fact, it’s okay to want to feel both wanted and needed. That’s the best of both worlds.
BMWK – Is it better for you to be wanted or to be needed?
Interesting take, I prefer the best of both worlds.
Don’t we all Jai.
I agree with the FB post above. My husband is not very affectionate but, I know he loves me. He would go to the moon a thousand times and back, if I asked him to. He just doesn’t understand the idea of showing his feelings. My heart aches for that intimacy. So, yes, the better is to have the best of both worlds. However, wants slightly surpasses the needs.
I find that some women desire to be wanted over being needed. But then I immediately think about several women from my past who I didn’t want, but needed. I’m also thinking about some women I know that interjects herself into the lives of men that have so much drama that it’s inconceivable why they would subject themselves to such craziness. For one in particular, I think it’s because she needs to be needed. I wonder…is she wrong for needing that? Or are there some other emotional problems at bay?
Marry someone that loves you more than you love you. That person will do whatever to please and keep you. Trust me, although this might not work for everyone, it works for me, I’m not the adventurous type, or need something new every month to keep the flams going, I’m what you called a content women. So I found a man that adores the ground I walk on. He showers me with flowers, diamonds, and takes care of all the bills and is a great father. He might not be the love of my life but any of the other men I would have married that I dated in the past would not do these things because I love them more than they love me. Single ladies take heed!!!
Well dag-gone!!! I wish other women had your perspective. I try to tell single women this, but I’m telling them this while they are in hot-pursuit of the high from the relationship-crack call “CHEMISTRY”. They experienced it once before…but the relationship didn’t work out. Now, they won’t settle for anything else but that exhilarating high they got from chemistry. Chemistry is good…but not a necessity for relationship. I’ve been married 16 year…and chemistry doesn’t keep you married. It fades when stronger emotions like anger, frustration, lack of trust, disappointment, and abandonment supplant it. The qualities you mentioned that your husband has for you is what’s sustaining. And there are a ton of men out there that would be more than willing to do this for a woman. But he probably doesn’t do it for her on her chemistry scale. I’m not suggesting that women settle for what they don’t want. But I am saying that some women should change what qualities they’re searching for…because chemistry won’t get them what they want…what you have with your husband.
My major concern with this is that one has to discern the person’s intention, otherwise it could be the breeding ground for several forms of abuse. Years ago I went out with someone who gave me a lot of attention, more than I had received from others. Naturally I was very flattered. However, when he would call and I didn’t respond, he would be upset and question me. Mind you, I was in my 30s and lived at home at that time. In my mind, my mother should be concerned and not him. I realized the pattern and eventually the “relationship” fizzled, thank God. I learned that even though he appeared to care for me a great deal, it was not healthy caring, but rather a controlling type of caring.
As a woman who has loved many times… I personally refuse to stay in a marriage,or relationship because the person I’m with has greater feelings for me,than I for him….there become a point where you will seek something to desire…and the temptation or deprivation will be deeper than you could’ve imagined.Diamonds aren’t everything.You can’t receive love from them….
Damn you selfish woman!
This was a great article an I am enjoying the comments. I have had the need and want/desire conversation before and have found this article very insightful and to parallel some of the love language literature. I am single, over 40 and doing very well. Though, I have not met a life partner to date, I am thriving and enjoying healthy relationships. So, I don’t need a man in my life to be complete. I do from time to time desire a male partner in my life to do life with, however, I am not going to settle for unnecessary drama. I need air and God in my life. I desire a man in my and am awaiting God to meet this desire if He also desires this for me.
@Carmela, my sentiments exactly! Well said.
This was worded rlly nicely and overall a useful article. keep going 🙂