Dear Dr. Buckingham,
I am living a nightmare in my marriage. I recently learned that my husband has been seeing a stripper on the side. Occasionally, he comes home late, but I do not mind because I know that he goes to dance clubs with his friends sometimes. Recently, he came home around 3 a.m. and was wearing a wristband and smelled like perfume. I asked him where did he go. He looked me straight in my face and told me a strip club.
I know that I was wrong, but I screamed at him and told him that I believe that having another woman dance all over him was cheating and disrespectful. He told me that he does not feel attracted to me anymore since I gained weight. He also told me that he is bored with our intimacy and sex life. He claimed that he never slept with the stripper, but enjoys her company at the strip club only. Is It Disrespectful for A Married Man to Frequent Strip Clubs?
Patiently waiting for a response,
Disrespected Wife
Dear Disrespected Wife,
The word disrespect is a subjective term and means different things to different people. What one person perceives to be disrespectful might be acceptable to someone else. From my personal perspective as a Christian, I do believe that it is disrespectful for a married man to frequent strip clubs. I say this because the environment in strip clubs creates lustful thinking. Individuals go to strip clubs to be entertained, but I am not sure how one avoids thoughts of strong sexual desires considering the amount of rubbing and touching that takes place with the women. With that said, some men might say that they never think about having sex with the strippers. I am not denying that this might be possible. However, I was always taught not to play with fire and frequenting strip clubs is playing with fire.
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Now that I have answered your question, I want to address the fact that your husband has outrightly expressed that he is not attracted to you. Whatever this means to you, I hope that you do not blame yourself for his behavior. Cause and effect do not work with human beings. Your weight gain did not cause him to frequent the strip club. His lack of discipline and respect causes him to frequent the strip club. Make sure that you do not allow your self-esteem to take a hit for something that you did not cause or create.
In regards to your husband’s comment about being bored with intimacy and sex, I highly recommend that the both of you see a psychotherapist if you decide to fight for your marriage. Again, the point is not to blame yourself, but to see if there is something that can be done to enhance the intimacy and sex within your marriage.
I pray that you seek professional help and that your husband comes to understand that lusting after another woman is what some Christians refer to as adultery in the heart. Matthew 5:28 states, “But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.” With this in mind, any man who lusts after other women is disrespectful in my book. Acknowledging that women are beautiful from afar is different than fondling them. Touching in a sexual or intimate nature should be reserved for one’s spouse. Please seek professional help. If not for your marriage, please do so for yourself.
Best regards,
Dr. Buckingham
If you have questions for Dr. Dwayne Buckingham regarding relationships (married, single, etc), parenting, or personal growth and development, please send an email to askdrbuckingham@gmail.com
Disclaimer: The ideas, opinions, and recommendations contained in this post are not intended as a substitute for seeking professional counseling or guidance. Any concerns or questions that you have about relationships or any other source of potential distress should be discussed with a professional, in person. The author is not liable or responsible for any personal or relational distress, loss or damage allegedly arising from any information or recommendations in this post.