If you haven’t been there personally, you probably have a friend who has—going through her man’s phone, wallet, car—wondering if she will stumble upon some incriminating evidence that he’s doing something wrong.
Sometimes the evidence is there—clear as day, begging the question, did she really need to go through his things to figure that out? And sometimes, there is nothing to be found and she’s left feeling frustrated, wondering if paranoia has gotten the best of her.
So is going through your man’s stuff ever okay? Is there a boundary that shouldn’t be crossed—even if you sleep next to someone every night and feel like they are doing wrong?
Well, the obvious issue with going through your man’s stuff is that you don’t trust him. If you did, you wouldn’t do it. It really is that simple.
Now the question you really have to ask yourself is why you distrust your man. Is it because of your own insecurities? Is the mistrust there because your man has done you wrong before? Is he acting suspicious and you feel like being direct won’t lead to answers?
Whatever your reason is, getting to the root and seeking help is a lot more beneficial than looking for restaurant receipts or inappropriate text messages. Invading someone’s privacy doesn’t bring you any closer to resolving whatever has you feeling unsettled about your relationship and where it stands.
What if snooping feels like the only way
If snooping through your man’s stuff feels like the only way to get to the bottom of what you are feeling, snooping won’t do much good.
You see, by snooping you are looking for an answer to a question you have lingering in your mind. But that question about what he’s been up to isn’t the question that really needs answering.
The most important question that needs to be addressed is why you don’t trust your man. Why does this dude have you going through stuff like some sort of spy, as if you don’t have better things to do with your life?
Related: Can my marriage work without trust?
With a strong lack of trust, is your relationship is doomed? Not necessarily. Trust can be rebuilt, and a relationship that was once damaged can thrive if that truly happens.
But if the mistrust you have for your mate is deeply rooted in past hurts and experiences, you have to ask yourself why you stay with someone who can’t be trusted time and time again. At that point you have to realize that the real issue isn’t about him… it’s about you.
So, really, is it ever okay?
Honestly, I think there are very few situations where snooping is okay. If you truly think your mate is doing some seriously harmful stuff (things that may even put your health at risk) and direct conversations lead to nothing, then maybe you need some solid information to help you make a decision about what’s next and snooping may become a necessary force.
But here’s the thing: snooping can’t be a way of life. If you feel like you always have to go through your man’s things to get answers, you either need some serious couples therapy or a new man.
So aside from extreme circumstances, I think going through anyone’s stuff is a no-no. I don’t go through my husband’s things and I definitely don’t want him going through mine. I trust him.
And if there ever comes a time when I don’t, I will address it with him directly. And if that doesn’t work, I’ll find another way. Honestly, snooping through stuff just isn’t in me. It feel like way too much energy to invest in figuring out whether or not someone did me wrong.
What should you do if you are suspicious?
Being direct is the best approach. I know that sometimes doesn’t get you what you are looking for, but it should always be the first step. I would also recommend being vigilant.
That doesn’t mean going through stuff, but rather paying close attention to the little things so you can pick up on anything fishy that’s happening right under your nose.
I firmly believe that what goes around comes back around and I really can’t bear the thought of anyone just going through my things without my knowledge.
I have nothing to hide, but respect is a must if you are a part of my world. I also firmly believe that what is done in the darkness to harm others will eventually come to light.
Strong relationships that last are built on honestly and trust. If those cornerstones are missing, both parties have to be willing to work on rebuilding trust, or they both should consider walking away. A lifetime of snooping is tragic, and the peace that comes when you don’t feel the need to snoop—well, that is priceless.
BMWK family, do you think it’s okay to go through your man’s stuff?