Dear Dr. Buckingham,
I read your article about a lady whose husband cheated repeated times in their relationship and numerous times with one specific woman before marriage. Luckily for her she found out prior to her wedding day, unfortunately for me I found out only in the second year of my marriage…
At first my husband denied it, but when I started stating the facts he actually admitted and said that he will not answer for things that happened before we were married… What makes it even worse is that we dated for 8 years before we actually got married. Now, my marriage feels so bad at times, sometimes I don’t even know what to wish for. Should I wish for things to be like when we were younger since all of that was based on lies, sexual betrayal and dishonesty; Or, should I wish that things would just get better. I really don’t know anymore.
I found out all of this after my husband’s first adulterous affair within our first year of marriage -although the only proof I had was phone calls and texting, which I came across on his cellphone bills.
Are you teaching your partner how to treat you?
It was quite hard getting by this occurrence to only find out a year later about all his sexual affairs before our marriage.
Nowadays, I’m constantly living my life wondering where he is, what he’s doing, if he’s coming home straight after work, and who is he calling. I honestly don’t know how to move past all these things, especially since my in-laws live near some of these females. So my husband often passes them when he goes to his parents’ house and I often see them when we’re visiting there. Any help please Doctor because to crown it all we are Christians. What is the Best Way to Cope with a Cheating Spouse?
From the hopelessly betrayed wife,
Dear Hopelessly Betrayed Wife,
You must decide what is best for you. If you cannot live with your husband’s past, then you might need to consider moving on. However, I do not believe that you should focus on the past if you want your marriage to work.
Your husband’s refusal to discuss the past could be considered a good thing or bad thing.
It could be considered a good thing because you would not be subjected to learning about things that did not negatively impact you prior to marriage. He admitted to cheating, but did not provide details. Do not ask for information that you cannot handle receiving. What you do not know cannot hurt you.
Be careful not to stockpile negative images or thoughts in your mind because you will feel emotionally and mentally drained. On the other hand, your husband’s refusal to discuss the past could be considered a bad thing because he might be an egocentric person who likes being deceptive and secretive.
There is a saying, “Once a Cheater, Always a Cheater.” I do not believe that this holds true with all cheaters. However, it appears that your husband might be a chronic cheater (some one who has difficulty with being faithful to one person). Unfortunately, Christians are not immune to cheating.
Why she stays when he cheats
I diagnose chronic cheaters by their on-going and future action, not their past. As a Christian, I often speak of forgiveness, but my motto for cheating is as follows: “Cheat once, you get a pass. Cheat twice and you get passed on.”
The physical location of the women with whom your husband cheated with is not your biggest issue. Physical location does not matter because people will travel across states if cheating is in their heart. Trusting your husband is your biggest issue.
I am not an advocate of divorce, but I am also not an advocate of remaining in an unhealthy relationship that is filled with deception. Given this, I believe that the best way to cope with a cheating spouse is to get professional help.
The emotional distress and anxiety that is associated with cheating cannot be resolved through prayer and wishful hoping. A professional like myself can help you clear your mind and acquire the necessary tools to make a rational and healthy decision. Some marriages are worth fighting for and some are not. Get help and secure as much information as possible.
If you decide to fight for your marriage, I highly recommend that you visit www.drbuckingham.com and secure a copy of my newest book, Unconditional Love: Marriage Edition. In the book, I provide a road map for giving and receiving unconditional love and making marriage last forever. I discuss various levels of intimacy and highlight what is needed for lasting marital bliss. I provide an intimacy assessment tool that will help you better understand your marital foundation and will also equip you with knowledge that will help you make a well informed decision about your marriage.
Best regards,
Dr. Buckingham
If you have questions for Dr. Dwayne Buckingham regarding relationships (married, single, etc), parenting, or personal growth and development, please send an email to askdrbuckingham@gmail.com
Disclaimer: The ideas, opinions and recommendations contained in this post are not intended as a substitute for seeking professional counseling or guidance. Any concerns or questions that you have about relationships or any other source of potential distress should be discussed with a professional, in person. The author is not liable or responsible for any personal or relational distress, loss or damage allegedly arising from any information or recommendations in this post.