by Delano Squires
Two articles last week discussed the role of religion in relationships and marriage, and I was intrigued by both because of their implications for people of faith and people in love. While not specifically referring to Christianity, given the religious demographics of the African American community, the general arc of both pieces, and my personal experiences, I will address both from that specific faith perspective. The first article asks whether the church contributes to the singleness of black women. The article presents the question and references an earlier article by an online dating “expert” that reads more like a bitter rant against black churches than a carefully argued theological exposition. The core arguments by the original author are that 1) the rigid teachings of the black church are causing women to disqualify potential mates, 2) church attendance among black men is low compared to black women, leading to a shortage of mates for women who desire to be “equally yoked”, and 3) black women should be more open to meeting men in social settings that are more likely to be frequented by black men, such as clubs and bars. It is important to note that the author who presented the positions above is not a regular church attender. The second article highlighted the importance of faith in marriages; African Americans were found to be more likely than other groups to share core beliefs and pray together at home”“factors that have been linked to greater happiness in marriages and relationships. Furthermore, black couples were more likely to have a shared spiritual identity, and religion was found to be one of the key factors narrowing the racial divide in relationship quality in the United States. The article also found, interestingly enough, that relationship satisfaction is lower when one partner attends religious services regularly and the other does not.
Some of the points made in the first article reflect a poor understanding of faith’s role in people’s lives. Some people attend church because of family tradition, some because of its role as one of the most important social institutions in the black community, and some because it is an expression of the depth of their personal relationship with God. Women who fall into the last group are probably the most likely to reject potential mates with whom they are not spiritual compatible. While it may seem overly restrictive and short-sighted to some people, women who esteem God’s purposes above your their own plans recognize that it is better to be patient and faithful in waiting for the right man than to move forward in haste and become involved with the wrong one. There are a number of reasons why black Christian women are and should be persistent in their desire for a like-minded mate: Christ-like love, biblical principles of submission, and many other marriage goals that require more than just good intentions to successfully accomplish. For some couples a shared faith serves as a steady foundation, particularly when life circumstances and interpersonal conflicts seem to threaten the stability and survival of their relationship. Therefore, it should come as no surprise that serious problems arise when one person has built a foundation on God’s word while the other is getting direction from popular culture, self-help books, folk wisdom, or even unwise counsel. As evidenced by the findings in the second article, compromising one’s spiritual standards to find a mate often has a negative effect on relationship satisfaction””hardly surprising since allegiance to Christ will eventually challenge your allegiance to anything or anyone that hinders your spiritual growth.
I don’t believe that church keeps black women single. On the contrary, church should be a place where both men and women can go to acquire the tools that are needed to have a successful marriage, such as personal spiritual development, premarital education, and couples counseling. Although I disagree with much of what is written in the first article, I believe the issues raised by the author are critically important for the spiritual health of Christians and for the relationship expectations of black women and men. I am often reminded that if one claims to be a Christian (i.e. a follower of Christ), God’s will and word should be your top priority in life, but many people find that difficult when they try to contort the Bible to fit their own agendas. Such is the case when people attempt to use biblical principles (e.g. love, understanding, and compassion) to encourage black women to compromise their standards in pursuit of a mate. My pastor has a saying that I believe is appropriate in those instances: “when you take a text out of context all you are left with is a con”.
BMWK, do you believe that church contributes to the shortage of married black women? Do you feel that faith adds to the strength of black marriages? What role, if any, does faith play in your marriage/relationship?
Delano Squires is currently a graduate student in Race, Ethnicity, and Public Policy at the George Washington University. His focus is contemporary African American culture, urban education, and child development. Follow him on Twitter @Mr_Squires.