by Delano Squires
Two articles last week discussed the role of religion in relationships and marriage, and I was intrigued by both because of their implications for people of faith and people in love. While not specifically referring to Christianity, given the religious demographics of the African American community, the general arc of both pieces, and my personal experiences, I will address both from that specific faith perspective. The first article asks whether the church contributes to the singleness of black women. The article presents the question and references an earlier article by an online dating “expert” that reads more like a bitter rant against black churches than a carefully argued theological exposition. The core arguments by the original author are that 1) the rigid teachings of the black church are causing women to disqualify potential mates, 2) church attendance among black men is low compared to black women, leading to a shortage of mates for women who desire to be “equally yoked”, and 3) black women should be more open to meeting men in social settings that are more likely to be frequented by black men, such as clubs and bars. It is important to note that the author who presented the positions above is not a regular church attender. The second article highlighted the importance of faith in marriages; African Americans were found to be more likely than other groups to share core beliefs and pray together at home”“factors that have been linked to greater happiness in marriages and relationships. Furthermore, black couples were more likely to have a shared spiritual identity, and religion was found to be one of the key factors narrowing the racial divide in relationship quality in the United States. The article also found, interestingly enough, that relationship satisfaction is lower when one partner attends religious services regularly and the other does not.
Some of the points made in the first article reflect a poor understanding of faith’s role in people’s lives. Some people attend church because of family tradition, some because of its role as one of the most important social institutions in the black community, and some because it is an expression of the depth of their personal relationship with God. Women who fall into the last group are probably the most likely to reject potential mates with whom they are not spiritual compatible. While it may seem overly restrictive and short-sighted to some people, women who esteem God’s purposes above your their own plans recognize that it is better to be patient and faithful in waiting for the right man than to move forward in haste and become involved with the wrong one. There are a number of reasons why black Christian women are and should be persistent in their desire for a like-minded mate: Christ-like love, biblical principles of submission, and many other marriage goals that require more than just good intentions to successfully accomplish. For some couples a shared faith serves as a steady foundation, particularly when life circumstances and interpersonal conflicts seem to threaten the stability and survival of their relationship. Therefore, it should come as no surprise that serious problems arise when one person has built a foundation on God’s word while the other is getting direction from popular culture, self-help books, folk wisdom, or even unwise counsel. As evidenced by the findings in the second article, compromising one’s spiritual standards to find a mate often has a negative effect on relationship satisfaction””hardly surprising since allegiance to Christ will eventually challenge your allegiance to anything or anyone that hinders your spiritual growth.
I don’t believe that church keeps black women single. On the contrary, church should be a place where both men and women can go to acquire the tools that are needed to have a successful marriage, such as personal spiritual development, premarital education, and couples counseling. Although I disagree with much of what is written in the first article, I believe the issues raised by the author are critically important for the spiritual health of Christians and for the relationship expectations of black women and men. I am often reminded that if one claims to be a Christian (i.e. a follower of Christ), God’s will and word should be your top priority in life, but many people find that difficult when they try to contort the Bible to fit their own agendas. Such is the case when people attempt to use biblical principles (e.g. love, understanding, and compassion) to encourage black women to compromise their standards in pursuit of a mate. My pastor has a saying that I believe is appropriate in those instances: “when you take a text out of context all you are left with is a con”.
BMWK, do you believe that church contributes to the shortage of married black women? Do you feel that faith adds to the strength of black marriages? What role, if any, does faith play in your marriage/relationship?
Delano Squires is currently a graduate student in Race, Ethnicity, and Public Policy at the George Washington University. His focus is contemporary African American culture, urban education, and child development. Follow him on Twitter @Mr_Squires.
AJ Bell says
This is a very touchy subject for most, and many people are afraid to address it. I posted this a similar article on my FB page months ago, and not one person was willing to comment.
That said, I'm not sure if you addressed all angles of this debate. Much of the arguement surrounds the teachings of pastors and how it is a financial (and sometimes social) benefit to them having a host of single women in the congregation.
I think many black women use the church as an excuse as to why they haven't found the right man. They portray themselves as only wanting a certain type of Christian man when they know (as well as everyone else) that this type of single man is in short supply. This arguement is a spinoff of last year's arguement, “are black women's standards too high?” It's the same concept. Wait and wait and wait for Mr. Perfect. Everyone's desires for the “perfect mate” are different. Some want financial affluence, others want educational and family history and excellence, while others are more concerned about how often he attends church.
My response to these rediculous requirements is always the same. No one is exactly who they should be when you meet them. We are all on a path (or at least we should be). If you ask any happily married woman whose been married 25 years or more, she will quickly tell you that her husband was not perfect when she met him. He's perfect for her now, moreso than he was when they met. It takes time to grow and mature into who you are meant to be, and if black women continue to “hold out” for men who are already “perfect” they will continue to be single and having children out of wedlock. If they think that is the “CHRISTIAN WAY” then I suggest they rethink their beliefs.
SteelSangle says
Most women aren’t looking for a perfect man…it’s more of a “can we make this work?” situation. There are a lot of men that aren’t willing to date a woman that is celibate, doesn’t club, and won’t be wifey. Truthfully, there aren’t a lot of bible thumping women asking for a Denzel. We want somebody that won’t start a revolt when we go to church–without him. One that will come home at night. One that understand that you only have sex with your wife. Perfection, no. Focus, yes. It that really asking too much?
MrsRW says
I, for one, do not hear this argument often about a cause of singleness. But to kind of back up AJ's post, just because a man is not in the church does not mean he is not a good man. If they are really the Christian women that they proclaim, then they would know the Bible says that a woman can lead by example. I grew up in a Christian home and regularly attended church when I met my now husband. He began to come with me and now attends regularly when he does not have to work. In my opinion, a lot of “Christians” are so caught up in outward appearances. How many of them have even invited romantic interests to church. They might be surprised at how open those men are to the Christian experience. They just may have never had anyone in their life to show them the way.
Sha says
I must say when someone suggested Church as a date, I was like “What” as my first thought. Truth be told I have an awesome time praising the lord and all the blessing I continue to recieve. What better place to be entertained!! Now I always ask , not to judge but more so to see if you would be open to the opportunity:)
Erica Day says
The argument that the church keeps anybody single is bogus. Women are free to make their own choices, and if they choose to honor God's word above everything else in life, then more power to them. No sense in getting mate just to say you have one. That's a recipe for disaster. When a woman truly follows Christ, it then follows that her mate would have to also, or else there is gonna be some confusion in the relationship and parenting thereafter. How do you tie yourself to someone whose priorities greatly differ from yours?
I will say that some women have this “perfect Christian man” in their head, and THAT may very well contribute to them being single. They set impossible standards for men, that they can't meet themselves, and forget that their mate is/will be HUMAN, just like them. I say, look where his heart is and see if his actions follow.
I can say that I'm the more spiritually mature person in my marriage. However, my husband comes to church with me EVERY sunday and he's open to learning and growth. He also cooks, cleans, and loves me to death! Had I had this list of what the “perfect Christian man” is, I may very well have passed him up.
Lastly, God COULD be keeping a lot of us single. We put so much focus on relationships, but not on the most important one: Our relationship with Jesus. Marriage is not guaranteed, nor is it the be-all, end-all of life. God does guarantee that if we put Him first, all the other things will be added.
AJ Bell says
I was with you Erica until you said God may be keeping us single. I seriously doubt if that is the reason or it would be women across the board, not just black women. White, hispanic and asian women don't have this problem, and they are no more followers of Christ than we are. I also don't believe God put black women on earth to spend 20-30 years sitting and waiting for the right man to come along. None of it makes sense. It's ok to find a good man outside of church because mere attendance does not make someone a good Christian.
Mosi Kwame Ambilikile says
Greetings and peace to all.
Interesting format discussion. I would ask or insert this question if I may just as another thought.
1. How do “we” defind “what or who is good” aside from what the Scripture teaches about good?
2. How do we discern the perfect will of God in the flavor of “is God keeping you single?”
addum: Let's reason. *”Out of context, you've been conxxxx” I like that.
Peace.
-ingi upendo
Erica Day says
You misconstrued what I said. I didn't mean that God is looking at black women and stamping them with a “Will Not Get Married” stamp. My point is this: If we claim to be followers of Christ, then our allegiance to be to HIM. We should value HIM above everything else. And I know a lot of women who say they value Christ, but really value a man and a marriage above everything else. And that's precisely why they don't have it. God isn't so much interested in you being happily married as He is with you being satisfied with HIM. Ask me how I know!
I am not saying that a Christian woman has to wait for Mr. Right to grace her with his presence at church. I agree with you that mere church attendance doesn't make anyone a good Christian.
I try to resist comparing black women to other races of women, so I'm not going to compare us to them or discuss that.
Krista says
In response to both MrsRW and AJ,
I've been married and single as a black Christian woman. . My husband and I were not saved or in church when we had children and then got married, in that order so it was hard because I got saved “for real” not religion but relationship. We went from two people that loved the world and all the things it offered to being on two very different paths. I made mistakes in both wanting my husband to be saved and come to church with me right away and in compromising my beliefs for him while married then separated, and eventually divorced. He did not change because he did not want to, he wasn't ready to. An Unsaved person cannot be what they are not. I went back many times thinking that my love for him would change him but it did not. Only God can do that
I comprised and in the end received nothing. We either have to be hot or cold. We cannot, as Christian women compromise our relationship with Christ and think it will serve us better. We must decide either to do it the world's way or God's way. They don't mix very well. I tried it for a man, I know.
I am single now because I choose to be. I have four kids so I don't date and I'm not looking to get married until God saves my husband. But that's me I'm content (no lie) with my life. But that's me… I do believe I deserve happiness but I found being out of God's will only creates misery inside.
But as for those that are single and looking – you do have to be open to a man not being as involved with church as you but at the same time you cannot compromise. If he is not living for Christ (not church but Christ) and you are then you will have problems. Is he willing to go to church, read the Bible or it you always asking him, Is he always trying o get you to have sex before marriage with the hope and promise of marriage. Those are telling signs. The Bible gives a clear command – be not unequally yoked. You don't have to go to the club to find a man and then think you're going to clean him up if you can get him to go to church, notice I said if… You can find other places to go like theater, museums, and Christian events. If you are willing to go into a club – to find a man, that says a lot about you.
I would like to end by saying every situation is different. The best thing to do is ask God, your heavenly Father what you should and being willing to do what He says. Then check what you hear with His written Word the Bible because what you think He said and the Bible should always line up. If they dont you aint hearing right.
Tasha says
I agree with Krista
the girl says
“when you take a text out of context all you are left with is a conâ€.
Excellent quote.
Nadia Mathews says
The bible says “He that findeth a wife” That implies that the man that locates a wife! So I don;t believe that God keeps us single. He also tells us that it is not good that men should be alone. The truth is that we all need companionship. Can you be content alone… ABSOLUTELY but ideally most would like to have someone even if they aren't honest about it. The truth is that some of us have so many personality defects ie unforgiveness, father issues, mother issues,trust issues, commitment issues and other horrible trtaits that being in a relationship is just not a good idea. It's so important that before we just go from person to person that we truly take a step back and identify our need to want to be in a relationship.
Is it to fill a physical need or is it to be a blessing to each other?
In the Christian community we've offered marriage as a remedy for living together and fornication that we've neglected that marriage counseling MUST be a prerequisite for marriage. We teach marriage license not commitmwent. We've preached “better to marry than to burn” rather than “Are you ready to be commited forever in all things concerning you. We don't teach that marriage is hardword but we teach “fuzzy feelings = love” Fuzzy feeling is attraction and lust. We have to get back to the basics and minister to the whole man so that companionship is about commitment and purpose “how can we affect the world together”
I am remarried and during my singleness I had to find out what was wrong in me before I took my deficiancies into another marriage. I learned how to be transparent with God and also my husband. We talked about everything in counseling so that we wouldn't be caught off guard later in our marriage.
just my two cents!
“How I let Her Steal My Husbanc” coming soon Nadia Mathews.com
Felicia says
This very subject was discussed in church on Sunday. Yes, I'm one of the single ones, but I don't see that church or God is keeping me single. In the past, my own misconceptions about relationships and dating kept me from pursuing meaningful friendships that could have developed into relationships on the notion that, whoever my mate would be, he would be hand-delivered, gift wrapped and left waiting for me in the middle pew on Sunday. Now, at 27 years old, I've learned that it's OK to wait and not be furiously searching for a husband. But while I'm waiting, I can work on building strong healthy friendships with both men and women and work on developing my character, spiritual strength, relational skills and inner and outer beauty. I'm having a great time as a single Christian woman, without compromising my beliefs and I'll tell ya………it's been one sweet ride!
Rose says
I think it is important for all of us to challenge the notion that there is such a thing as “the church.” Although African Americans have a fierce belief in God, as a people we break down into many different denominations–and non-denominations. And all churches and faith houses within these spiritual sects are not created equal. While some churches may not engage in activities that prevent mate-seeking black women from finding partnerships, I am familiar with some faith houses that stunt women in these ways. See this expose written about the Catholic church by the New York Times: https://www.nytimes.com/2009/10/16/us/16priest.html
Also, I think the core of this article is less about church and more about the destructive role of rigidity when getting to know a prospective mate. It is one thing to have a core set of values that you aspire to and it's another to judge people based on that value system in a way that seldom acknowledges where people are at. This may be a problem confronting some black women. However, the writer's greatest folly is that she struggles to provide evidence that this is actually a phenomenon that black women are facing.
Mama Nora says
I would like to first state that as believer I understand that we are required to have compassion and to be merciful to all; however, Im struggling with these virtues when it comes to single black women who have chosen to divest from the black community (their families, friends, churches, civil rights organizations and all black social settings) and feel entitled to urinate on the good black families, successful organizations, and the hard earned achievements of our ancestors. Im about done with these women trying to dismantle every single black institution, organization, and family in order to emotionally punish the rest of us for their singleness through acts of rage, hatred, false activism, and the constant disparaging of the least amongst us. They are trying to position themselves so that no one can challenge them. I have a SERIOUS issue with that. NO ONE or any institution should be above constructive criticism, investigation, and accountability. Like other races or ethnic groups of people we too, reserve the right to defend our institutions without being labeled as accomplices, enablers, psycho pants, or misogynists. These same so called “leaders†or “activists†ARE NOT being of service, uplifting others, or at least trying not to harm others if they plan to remain on the side lines. Im sick and tired of their constant warfare attacks on not just black men but on black women who are in mono-racial relationships or those with male children. For a group of women who claim to be living well, all I can deduce from their constant online raging is that they lack peace, and contentment. If they are truly divested they wouldnt spend their time constantly raging against us and debasing us. They wouldnt spend their time constantly evoking images of our collective death, failure, and shame. Nobody owes anybody anything. We are all responsible for ourselves. Im tired of being punished and Im tired of my community being punished. If you desire to marry out of the race, thats your prerogative and certainly dont owe anyone an explanation. Everyone deserves a chance to love and be loved. Divest ALL THE WAY stay away from our community and dont look back. People with that degree of anger, hatred, prejudice, apathy, depression, and RAGE are JUST AS BAD as people who sell drugs, or murder people—the difference in the two is that one emotionally violent while the other is physically violent.
To answer the question YES I do think the church is keeping black women single, and I do think the church has taken advantage of not only black women but everyone—especially through prosperity doctrines and other such non-sense that isnt theologically based. If you cant teach prosperity gospel in Bosnia, or South Africa because their economy is dead you cant teach that doctrine anywhere. Instead of remaining in denial about the problem the better method would be to accept the problem and create a strategy to deal with it. Many men dont care for church for a reason. Ive seen white churches go out of their way to make their congregations male friendly while at the same time honoring their women. Perhaps its time to think globally and look around in order to come up with something for black churches. I do believe that churches need to be just as aggressive as finding mates for qualified candidates as they are about collect tithes, offering, donations, and funds for other activities.
Respectfully
Mama Nora
lovebabz says
This is quite a thought provoking discussion. One that ought to be standard conversation in our communities. I do not think this discussion is solely for Christians, however I understand that is the topic. So many people pick and choose what parts of the bible they want to apply to their lives. Going to the club is not in conflict with the bible. What is in conflict is the behaviours that allow for sex outside of marriage, dishonesty and free will–which we all have. If women want husbands, they have to become wives. Act like you want a man. Be the kind of woman a man wants, be the kind of woman you want to be for yourself in love. When I say a Man, I mean someone who will always have your best interest, someone who is willing to work in partnership with you, someone who respects you and you can respect. Someone who has a GOD consciousness…whether they are Christian, Muslim, Jewish.
sistah1 says
I think the church encourages Christians to live a life that is outside of society's norms. So, if a single Christian woman choose not to have sex, not to drink, not to date divorced men, then she's limiting her pool of available men — either 'cause they won't accept her, or she won't accept them. So, her beliefs may shrink her pool, but that's not the church keeping anyone single. That's jut someone sticking to her beliefs and know what she wants and needs to walk uprightly.
I blogged about it.
https://singleindependentsistah.wordpress.com/20…
jean says
i think we should start listening to http://www.wblr.com. it on 24/7
Martha A. Snowden says
I don’t think that the issue lies in the churches in that they are preventing women from finding husbands, however I do think that our community is in trouble in all areas because we do not follow God’s teachings and instead aspire to attain all of the worldly possessions and status we can in any way we can. We actually teach this as a virtue in our communities rather than teaching patience , hard work, sacrifice and delayed gratification. We have accepted standards and codes of conduct that are not in line with God’s therefore it is ridiculous to expect our lives to reflect the results and blessings that living a spirit filled life will bring. The problem is that people want to have the benefits of a marriage or relationship withour having to put in the work on themselves and in preparation for what marraige is meant to be. I find that a lot of women complain about not having any good men but they are not good women or at the very least they are not in a psoition to be good wives. ALso just because the Bible and /or God instructs you to wait it doesn’tmean to be idle it may mean to be patient, and diligently prepare yourself , because if God has chosen your mate it is still up to you to be in position to accept your blessing He is not going to saddle a good and righteous man with an unrighteous woman, however we as people saddle ourselves with all kinds of nonsense because we are making choices that reflect our desires in the flesh and not His desires and will. WE all ge tot make choices ans choices have their own natural consequences which could extend out for a long time. My pastor says before you get married it may be unclear to you who you’re supposed to be marrying but once you come back up the aisle it is very clear that you shoudl honor and respect the marriage you choose, whether the spouse is saved or not. If not it is syour obligations and priveilege to be an intercessor for that person and pray fervently for their salvation.
Martha A. Snowden says
I don’t think that the issue lies in the churches in that they are preventing women from finding husbands, however I do think that our community is in trouble in all areas because we do not follow God’s teachings and instead aspire to attain all of the worldly possessions and status we can in any way we can. We actually teach this as a virtue in our communities rather than teaching patience , hard work, sacrifice and delayed gratification. We have accepted standards and codes of conduct that are not in line with God’s therefore it is ridiculous to expect our lives to reflect the results and blessings that living a spirit filled life will bring. The problem is that people want to have the benefits of a marriage or relationship withour having to put in the work on themselves and in preparation for what marraige is meant to be. I find that a lot of women complain about not having any good men but they are not good women or at the very least they are not in a psoition to be good wives. ALso just because the Bible and /or God instructs you to wait it doesn’tmean to be idle it may mean to be patient, and diligently prepare yourself , because if God has chosen your mate it is still up to you to be in position to accept your blessing He is not going to saddle a good and righteous man with an unrighteous woman, however we as people saddle ourselves with all kinds of nonsense because we are making choices that reflect our desires in the flesh and not His desires and will. WE all ge tot make choices ans choices have their own natural consequences which could extend out for a long time. My pastor says before you get married it may be unclear to you who you’re supposed to be marrying but once you come back up the aisle it is very clear that you shoudl honor and respect the marriage you choose, whether the spouse is saved or not. If not it is syour obligations and priveilege to be an intercessor for that person and pray fervently for their salvation.
Cgarrett8506 says
I strongly dislike when someone says that the church keeps black women single. As a pastor’s wife, I see a HOST of single women on a daily basis and they DO want a certain type of man….there is nothing wrong with wanting a man that loves God and will love you like Christ loved the church, giving himself up for her. Thats the kind of man I have. God preserved me in my singleness until my husband and I got together…. and that time was hard but a blessing to me because I can share with other young ladies who are in the same situation. The truth is: If you have a desire to be married to a Godly man, God has a man for you!! God is not in short supply of men….thats a lie. It just takes time to come to you. You must be ready and so should he.
And YES God does keep our marriage together…we can pray for each other, know HOW to respond when difficult situations arise and He keeps us committed. Love does NOT keep people together…commitment does. You must first honor your promise to God and then your spouse in order to have a successful marriage. We break promises to people all this time…its a covenant with God that should be unbreakable.
Jsm1906 says
“I dont believe that church keeps black women single. On the contrary,
church should be a place where both men and women can go to acquire the
tools that are needed to have a successful marriage”
You just said it yourself by saying that the church SHOULD be a place. It is not so why live on hopes and dreams. That means that maybe churches should spend more time talking to people in the community about what they have to offer. I am not saying all should turn into Jehovah Witnesses but they should be out in different venues.
The Honest Answer says
I certainly will never understand why would God punish many of us with no love life at all?, and what on earth did we do Wrong to deserve this? And to see so many other men and women that were Very Blessed to find love and Happiness together with their families, makes me wonder why do we have to be Alone and having no one to share our life with? God shouldn’t play Favorites, and this is Not fair to us since i wouldn’t wish this on my worst Enemy.