I admit it. I have a problem. I just can’t seem to let things go! “What if I need it,” I reason? “I’ll keep it just in case.”
Yes, I am a pack rat, at least when it comes to papers, books and journals. I’ve got boxes and boxes of the stuff to prove it. In the last 10 years, I’ve moved to three different parts of the country and some of the boxes have moved with me each time. Until yesterday, they have remained unopened.
While I was sorting through the piles of seminar papers, photocopied articles, and classroom notes from the time I was in graduate school, I found some of my journals where I had recorded the good, bad, and ugly aspects of my life during that time.
Journaling was good for me. Writing my feelings down helped me sort through them, take a step back and reflect on them. Sometimes just writing down all of the anger, confusion, or pain took the sting of those emotions away.
As I thumbed through the pages, I noticed an entry from 2004. The words “sad” and “I gotta get out of this” were repeated over and over. Reading those lines took me back to all of the pain and confusion I was feeling in the midst of a drama-filled relationship. I thought he was the one, but he was not! The amazing thing is that now, the whole thing is only a memory, triggered by words in a journal that I packed away.
Picking up another journal, I opened it to an entry marked 12-6-05. I had met the man of my dreams two months earlier, but apparently I had a lot of doubts, questions, and fears: Is he the one, I wondered?
Here’s what I wrote:
“I’m still nervous about him for a couple of reasons: 1) my track record isn’t too hot when it comes to choosing men. I get a lot of wolves in sheep’s clothing. 2) When I would let my guard down and trust someone that’s when something bad would happen. I don’t want to be disappointed again. 3) I’m not sure how he feels. I don’t want to assume anything. He’s called me “friend” and I don’t know what that means. Is it buddy? Girlfriend? Friend-friend? But, there’s possibility here and room for growth.
. . . I just thought of something. My thoughts of him sometimes get entangled in negative thoughts about men in my past–I still have memories. Maybe unconsciously I’m associating him with those issues.”
Journaling helped me see that my dream man was not like the other men I had dated. As I wrote down my questions, fears, doubts and other feelings, I learned that I could let the pain of the past go and open my heart to the love I had been praying for. We fell in love and got married 11 months after we met.
Finding these journals helped confirm what I’ve been telling single men and women all this time: you don’t have to be perfect to meet your perfect match! You just have to be willing to grow and learn some simple skills, so that you can be ready when they come.
Maybe the memories of your past have made you afraid to love again. But here’s one thing I know, one day your pain will only be a memory. It won’t always be like this! There is joy and happiness waiting for you beyond your wildest dreams.
BMWK, How did you know your love was the one?