The advice in the title of this piece is almost always easier said than done. The consequences of the first are so much sweeter than the second, no matter how much territory, money or reputation stands to be earned in the process.
There comes that occasional point in time during marriage when neither husband nor wife sees eye to eye on much. Tensions are running high at work and at home. Anything and everything is up for debate. During these times a good question to ask of yourself is, “When’s the last time we did it?” I’m not a betting man but I’m certain your answer will be one that represents a period of time that is not to your liking.
Now here’s the problem: the older we get, the more “locked in” to marriage we are, the more “cerebral” lovemaking becomes. Back as a youngin’ (when you shouldn’t have been doing anything at all) brainless sex was the best sex and usually tricked one if not both parties involved into believing they should enter into a relationship. Sex between married couples somehow devolves into this rewards-based activity. Sex if you take out the trash. Sex if you say the right things. Sex if you stay up long enough. Sex if I feel like it. This is “cerebral” but in actuality it is a conditional usage of an unconditional act of love. This turns sex into a weapon. It adds to the already unproductive and unhealthy power struggle in your home. That is, God forbid, until the other person becomes so fed up and so overwhelmed with his/her desires that they seek to satisfy them by any means necessary, usually outside of marriage.
What is lost on the people in this unfortunate state of affairs is the fact that making love is designed for marriage. You now have license to make love to one that one person you’ve chosen, the one person who wants you to make love to them. Though they exist, there is no need for inhibitions and no reasons for insecurities. This is the one who has chosen you, flaws and all and vice versa.
Making love exists to strengthen and solidify intimacy that should already exist. If in need of repair, lovemaking if done the right way and with the right intention can do wonders to reestablish intimacy that might’ve gotten lost in the shuffle of making money and raising kids. Making love is not a rewards-based activity. It is one of the blessed fruits of marriage and procreation. If you think I’m romanticizing marriage consider that you might be suffering from a lack of romance. Lust, the objectification of another, is just that, Lust. If you can’t be romantic leading up to and during your marriage then what’s the point? Luckily here at Black And Married With Kids we see, know and live otherwise.
Should lovemaking be rewards-based? Or should it be an expression of love and intimacy between two people, even when the dishes aren’t done and everything isn’t perfect? Do you think lovemaking contributes to a healthy marriage and why?