The advice in the title of this piece is almost always easier said than done. The consequences of the first are so much sweeter than the second, no matter how much territory, money or reputation stands to be earned in the process.
There comes that occasional point in time during marriage when neither husband nor wife sees eye to eye on much. Tensions are running high at work and at home. Anything and everything is up for debate. During these times a good question to ask of yourself is, “When’s the last time we did it?” I’m not a betting man but I’m certain your answer will be one that represents a period of time that is not to your liking.
Now here’s the problem: the older we get, the more “locked in” to marriage we are, the more “cerebral” lovemaking becomes. Back as a youngin’ (when you shouldn’t have been doing anything at all) brainless sex was the best sex and usually tricked one if not both parties involved into believing they should enter into a relationship. Sex between married couples somehow devolves into this rewards-based activity. Sex if you take out the trash. Sex if you say the right things. Sex if you stay up long enough. Sex if I feel like it. This is “cerebral” but in actuality it is a conditional usage of an unconditional act of love. This turns sex into a weapon. It adds to the already unproductive and unhealthy power struggle in your home. That is, God forbid, until the other person becomes so fed up and so overwhelmed with his/her desires that they seek to satisfy them by any means necessary, usually outside of marriage.
What is lost on the people in this unfortunate state of affairs is the fact that making love is designed for marriage. You now have license to make love to one that one person you’ve chosen, the one person who wants you to make love to them. Though they exist, there is no need for inhibitions and no reasons for insecurities. This is the one who has chosen you, flaws and all and vice versa.
Making love exists to strengthen and solidify intimacy that should already exist. If in need of repair, lovemaking if done the right way and with the right intention can do wonders to reestablish intimacy that might’ve gotten lost in the shuffle of making money and raising kids. Making love is not a rewards-based activity. It is one of the blessed fruits of marriage and procreation. If you think I’m romanticizing marriage consider that you might be suffering from a lack of romance. Lust, the objectification of another, is just that, Lust. If you can’t be romantic leading up to and during your marriage then what’s the point? Luckily here at Black And Married With Kids we see, know and live otherwise.
Should lovemaking be rewards-based? Or should it be an expression of love and intimacy between two people, even when the dishes aren’t done and everything isn’t perfect? Do you think lovemaking contributes to a healthy marriage and why?
Great advice!
Great advice indeed.
I’d also like to add though, that there are SOME women out there, from the very beginning, were never that interested in sex. But they knew that in order to get a man, they have to put that to the side. Once they are married, have house, have a few kids… it is much easier for them to “be themselves” and fall back into the dis-interest of sex. I mean at this stage of their life… was in thier motivation to sleep with their husbands as much as they use to?
So now that they are now married, they can get away with what they could NEVER get away with if they were still casually dating… not making love to their partner. Because they are confident, that their husband/father of their kids isn’t going anywhere because of marital vows, whereas if he was some knuckle-head from around the corner, no sex? – He’s Gone!!!
Some Married dudes say no sex and they are gone and they be good men!!! If they don’t leave the house they get another women to fill in. Its just sad all together!!
I knew this was written by a man…typically women cannot have sex when they are upset or angry with their partner!
I had a lot of sex with angry women when I wasnt married and dating! Now married women dont want to do it when they mad, when its raining, when its daylight any excuse will do.. People have more sex and more meaningless sex with the wrong people when they dating, then get with the one who wanted to make them an honest women and not “put out”.. I dont know but it seems like the most backwards thing i have ever heard. U give your body more readily to a man who had no intention in marrying U. And the good guy who married u, now u have all these sexual hang ups….PLEASE!!! Thats why some men do what they do…
WOW! Good point. Never look at it that way.
A women should be an “honest” woman before you marry her- that old adage is ignorant. Just as a real man should be “honest” before he marries someone. If you have had this broad range of illicit sex with people who you “put out” with before you married someone you have another problem that you need to address. Plus no man is doing ANY woman any favors by marrying them- it should be a mutual decision not to “save her reputation” or to make an “honest” woman out of her. Additionally your post is a poor generalization of women. All married women are NOT this way and I am speaking as a happily married woman to a man who is also VERY HAPPY- as his happiness is MY priority. If a man cheats or steps out on his marriage and uses the excuse of lack of physical intimacy with his wife rather than working on the issue of why their realtionship is that way is he is weak and he never loved her anyway. Sex is a PART of marriage -NOT the whole thing. Those who scrap the covenant they made with their spouse and GOD to cheat in order to satify a physical itch are not cut our for marriage in the first place.
Sylveebee if u walking the way u talking thats great I comend u on building a health relationship. What u said in your post is just what im saying what marriage should be!!! And when u said “as his happiness is MY priority” I almost fell out my chair. u have your priorty straight and I know he will do the same for you if hes a good man… You take u marraige serious but alot of people dont men and women dont… But just like u said “Those who scrap the covenant they made with their spouse and GOD to cheat in order to satify a physical itch are not cut our for marriage in the first place.” In the same breath, Those who scrap the covenant they made with their spouse and GOD ans not take care of their mate in all aspects including sexually are not cut our for marriage in the first place also!!! if u take ur marrige serious ur spouse should be good!!! and I take my marriage very serious.
Thank you. My husband is a tremendous blessing to me. I have been blessed to have him at my side for 15 years (I’m 36 years old). We were friends LONG before we were anything more to one another. I feel so sorry for those lost souls who think that the only way to get the best out of intimacy is to fool around with someone who they are NOT married to. Unfortunately, they do not get to experience the freedom that comes with being married to someone who loves them unconditionally and completely- but that’s what happens when you deal with with people who live beneath the priviledge that God grants to them.
I knew my husband when he had “nothin”. He was a college student and so was I. We share a common set of values and a common faith. He is the head of our house and my partner in all things. We have seen and supported one another through triumphs and tradegies as people say. WE ARE NOT PERFECT- but we believe in God and we believe in each other. With that said we have been able to complete undergrad degrees and both of us have our graduate degrees . We both work full time and are active in church. We did it while raising a family (we have 3 amazing children) and working with one another. There have been some UGLY moments ( because that’s life) but that is where faith and committment come in. I never need another man and he does not ever have to look any further than the distance between his pillow and mine in our bed to find all the woman he needs.
I pray that all who really want that level of love are granted their hearts desire.
Thanks so much for this peice GOD bless and grant you JOY and Happiness in you Marriage, May you stand the test of time in your union GOD bless your lovely husband for answering to the Call of Destiny by Been with no other buh you. Cheers Mum Cheers Sis.
Well Spoken!
Adams Amantama
All you said was great but the only thing i heard was “I never need another man and he does not ever have to look any further
than the distance between his pillow and mine in our bed to find all the
woman he need”.. LOL thats wonderful and just how things should be… Keep supporting each other and putting God first and your mate second and all will be good!!! KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK!!! And keep sharing you positive story with the women who dont know how to do it!!! LOL
Forgive me for returning to this article so long after it was published here at BMWK. The last line of your post above struck me. A very wise and impartial pastor once told the congregation, “Only a righteous fool believes he/she can resist temptation. When you see temptation coming your way…flee.” In the Bible only one person is cited as having resisted full-on, all-out temptation…most know the words “Satan, get thee behind Me…” uttered by Jesus Christ himself. Otherwise most of the stories upon closer inspection either detail folks straight high-tailing it away from temptation or convincing themselves they can handle it and falling. King David broke the rules again and again and again but was still worthy of God’s love. Yes there are plenty who “scrap the covenant” to get their groove on. But there are an untold many who are wounded and are being wounded under their own roofs. They become vulnerable not to some lasciviousness, not the physical aspects of a stranger, but rather the attention, the fact that someone appears to care, smiles at them, laughs at their jokes, asks them how they are doing — the desire to feel special, and suddenly realizing that the person at home who has them feeling like a worn out pair of shoes (man or woman) has it wrong. Sex happens so far after all of what I’ve just described occurs. At this point the sex is merely a consummation of the intimacy that has been formed outside the home. The person outside the marriage —- the motivations can be many, but for the person inside who isn’t “The Type” but is emotionally wounded they are especially vulnerable and in an especially dangerous position. It’s less a sinister act, hardly a physical one and more an issue of the condition of the heart and spirit — a cry for affection. Another writer here on the site speaks about this subject much more eloquently than I ever could. In no way does this excuse breaking the covenant, but it’s not so easy to judge a person without knowing their situation, the condition of their heart or how vulnerable they may be at the moment. I don’t speak from experience but I do speak as someone who has suffered emotional wounds under my own roof. By the Grace of God I have had the discernment to see temptation coming and the good sense to turn the other way rather than sticking my chest out, convinced that my being a Christian will allow me to withstand it, only to discover how righteous I am not.
Agreed, LEOPRIDE45!
It seems like if you want the best sex from a woman, don’t marry her.
During my short time being married, my excitement about sex has decreased because there are too many hoops to jump through to get it. “I’m tired/it’s too late/if you do XYZ, I’ll want to have sex more/etc…” The truth is when those things are done, another “I don’t wanna” list is created.
And yes, I try to do my part as a husband to make her feel beautiful and supported in hopes of her doing more sexually. And that’s a myth. I feel like I have to solve a complex mystery to get her in the “mood.” It’s tiring and frustrating.
Oh, and I have tried talking to her about it, and I’ve learned that unless it’s something she WANTS to do, I’m wasting my time trying to talk about it.
Forgive my rant, but I understand your point.
Ok great someone hear has a lil something under his belt.. I dont like when women who do it all (Sylveebee) and because of that her husband do it all for her so they good!!! Then they dont believe or discredit your story. All women arent as respondsive as others!!! Even if their spouse do do all they want them to do!!! Like Ga-allday said another list pops up when u finish the first one!!! LOL
You sir COMPLETELY missed the point of my first post. But you sound jaded by your past relationships. My husband does not have to complete a to-do list to be with me. And I don’t have to to be with him. We love one another and enjoy our time together-period.
You are right that some women are not as responsive as others- but one must ask what are they being asked to respond to, I think it’s HORRIBLE and wrong if a wife is holding out on her husband- it’s not right and she wouldn’t like it if he did it to her. But if both parties are truly listening to one another and meeting the needs of one another- that is almost never the case.
I give advice on a certain site (TAM) and what Leo says, i’ve echoed myself for many years. SOME women, when they are unmarried, they are passing the sex out openly… like poker chips to everyone they come across, even LOSER guys who don’t deserve their affection. Then when its time to share their love frequently, with the man who thought enough of them… to spend the rest of their lives with them… they sometimes balk. I never understood this. You love them, you respect them, you take care of them, you married them, you are the father of thier children, but you have to literally beg for sex.
Here’s my 2 cents ladies. And i’m not trying to sound chauvenistic (sp?) but take care of your husband first… with the higher priority before the house, before the kids, before whatever else is going on. Because a happy husband… will equate to an easier time of dealing with the house, kids, or whatever else is going on. Its real out there, and chicks are throwing it at married husbands everyday, and when you aren’t being satisfied at home, your mind starts to wander … “I know -insert name- is down, if i give her the “OK.”
Nobody is saying be a sexual doormat, but if you can’t remember t he last calendar day you had sex… your sexual marriage is far from perfect.
EACH ONE TEACH ONE!!! I PREACH TAKE CARE OF YOUR HUSBAND FIRST AND FOR MOST! YOU WILL GET ALL THE HELP YOU NEED FROM HIM IF HE IS HAPPY!!! GOOD JOB ROB!! lol
Men can have hang-ups and withhold sex, too- not just women. Ask a woman in a sex-starved marriage and she will give you the tea! So, don’t put it all on women who are not “putting out” in a marriage.
Sorry to read what you are potentially going through “Sex-Starved Marriage.” Its naive of us to insinuate that only “women” are the culprits of this. I have read alot of cases where its the man who is indeed, dropping the ball in this category. But i think if you were to take an poll, you would find that there are more men who find they aren’t getting enough sex at home… than the other way around.
The same goes for some men. Not speaking for most, just some. And you should’ve known this article was written by a man because my name was right beneath the title. I think the problem is exactly in your comment there is always a “callout” that creates this versus component once people “couple up” or marry for the long haul. I wrote this from an unbiased perspective. I’ve heard more than my share (from a distance) of women lament that their man won’t make love to them for one reason or another all having to do with him rather than them. So it cuts both ways, but it shouldn’t.
I think sex should be one of many expressions of love for married couples. It’s definitely not the only expression. But on contrary, many people confine “Love-Making” to merely having sex. I believe the Love-Making process starts way before you actually have intercourse. It starts when the dishes/house are clean, laundry is done, food is cooked, conversation is ongoing, and teamwork is a lifestyle. Of course these things are included but they aren’t limited to what I mention. Most importantly, they are not husband or wife specific. When the Hierarchy of Needs (Abraham Maslow) are met, according to whatever stage of life you are in, it yields a healthy and intimate marriage. It makes intercourse a bonus for husband and wife instead of a reward. It’s like icing on the cake. When the cake (Love-Making) is good by itself then the icing (sex) makes it that much better.
A very powerful and poignant perspective. Thank you!
I agree. A healthy marriage contributes to great love making.
I guess I’m the exception to the rule. When I was with my ex (12 years) I never turned him down. NEVER. Even when I was mad, I always did the deed! He was the one that always had excuses!
I agree with this article 100%. And, I’m a woman. Go figure!
Intimacy between a husband and wife is a gift from God and not to be used as a tool as the author has said. In 1 Corinthians 7:4 it states that the wife hath not power of her own body, but the husband: and likewise also the husband hath not power of his own body, but the wife. Intimacy is a blessing and should be respected and treated as such. It is one of the many benefits and purposes of marriage.
I never want sex to be icing on the cake of my marriage I want it to be apart of the cake the everyday ingredient in a bowel of a other things that make my marriage work! I want sex in the car or dressing up, or something special to be icing!!!
I’ve wondered why women stop “putting out” when they finally marry the good guy. Maybe its because they were putting out to get love and when they got it (from the good guy) they think they don’t need to do it anymore? I don’t know…maybe we have the wrong idea about sex and love… maybe women have sex to get love and not to maintain it. maybe we think the good guy should love us without having to have sex (like love me for me, not for the sex).
When two people are engaging in sex BEFORE they are married they are doing it WRONG. Therefore why is there so much surprise when after marriage, lots of bills, a few kids, inlaws, ‘friends’ of both spouses, and general life issues the WRONG is simply maginified by a lack of sex? They had major premarital problems, the presence of sex to begin with was just one of the many symptoms of that. Simply having sex on demand will fix NONE of that. Just ask a married COUPLE who have been married at least 15 years, have been to counseling, read countless books, attended couples classes, individual classes geared specifcally for men and ones geared specifically for women, had accountability partners of the same gender, gone on retreats, you name it they’ve tried it plus they have not taken sex out of the equation. I guarantee you that the wife at least had the message drilled in to her head on many occasions how important sex is to her husband and the detriments that the lack of it will have on her marriage. She may have been able to disconnect that she doesn’t have an emotional connection to go ahead with the act and hopes that if she continues on with this that she will get what she needs. If the church even corned the market on this then why is the divorce rate just as high in the church as it is in the world. Just asking right now. Forcing sex emotionally on someone makes then feel like no more than a semen receptacle. So she may have been okay with that during dating because she had the poorest form of self esteem. Her boyfriend in turn had the one of the most ridiculous forms of self-centered entitlement issues. Neiter should return to more of that foolishness and think that those were the good ole days. That was actually the calm before the storm. Would we really propose that they simply just have more sex and not fix the problem? Having more frequent sex in more positions, in different places would be no more than a physician treating the elevated temp instead of the infection. The same outcome would apply. So, I would challenge the thought process to go something like: Healthy men and healthy women enjoy sex with one another. They respect one another’s boundaries while also sacrificing for the other person at times. When one person has a problem with sex, you better believe that the other person does too. If you want to fix your sex problem then try a couples intensive (National Institute of Marriage has wonderful ones and it is truly a miracle that they even exist on earth, and that’s real talk) to first fix your premarital problems that turned marital after saying “I Do”. If more sex was enough then why after having that premarital affair (that by the way sounds almost like a threat in some of the above comments.) does the one who sought it not have a great relationship with the one they cheated with, or the next one once that’s done, or the next one after the divorce is final, or the new wife or husband? Im sure they started out with the sex they wanted, however they carried THEMSELVES into the new relationship and broke it again and sex does not have the power to fix that. Sexual intatimacy problems are a sign of a deeper problem. I once heard a counselor say, “show me your check book/bank statement and I can tell you exactly what’s going on or not going on in you bedroom.” So I all I am saying is let’s try not to be so one dimensional and oversimplify this.