A mother can’t teach her son how to be a man, but she can certainly provide him with the tools and skills needed to be a mature, responsible, loving adult. I have had many conversations on a personal and professional level in which women have discussed the challenges of being in a committed relationship with a “man child.” These type of men simply were never taught to be or decided not to be accountable, thoughtful, selfless contributing partners in their relationship.
Mothers, rather than taking the position that no woman will ever be good enough for our sons, we must instead raise them with the knowledge that they will one day become someone’s spouse and father. Mothers, we can’t continue to coddle and shield our sons from the reality and responsibility of life, keeping them eternally frozen as “mama’s little man.” We must create environments that foster self-reliance, growth, and mutual respect. I have listed three traits that mothers must teach their sons to ensure that they are raising a responsible male adults.
Responsibility and Self-Sufficiency
It is imperative that we give our sons responsibilities that teach them to be self-sufficient. I personally don’t believe in gender specific chores. Once we leave the nest we are solely responsible for maintaining ourselves and our living spaces irrespective of gender. My sons began sorting their laundry at 5, washing it at 7, and putting it away at 9. They understand that in order to have clean clothes to wear, they must first wash their dirty clothes. Mothers don’t allow your sons to receive a laundry pass just because they are male.
Additionally, they should be taught how to properly wash dishes, clean bathrooms, make beds, change light bulbs, replace tissue, empty trash, dust, vacuum, sweep, and mop. All of these tasks should be a part of their weekly chore list. Mother’s please take time to show your sons how to cook. Invite them into the kitchen as your Sous Chef. Once you feel that they are old enough to follow kitchen safety rules with very limited supervision, give them the responsibility of preparing a meal for the family once a week.
Teach your sons how to budget and manage money. Take them to a bank or credit union to open both a checking and savings account. Teach them how to write a check and balance a checkbook. Have them deposit their allowance, birthday, and other earned monies into their accounts. Teach them how to save and budget their money for the extras they want. Make sure they understand how to read transactions that appear on their monthly bank statements.
Allow them to watch you pay the monthly household bills. Divide your grocery list into sections (dairy, meat, fruits and vegetable, snacks, beverages, and household items) and allow them to fill in each section. Once they compile the list, write down the budget amount for each section. After you complete the shopping for a section have them note if their choices met or exceeded the allocated budgeted amount. If it exceeds the amount, allow time for open discussion to determine which items should be put back and why.
This exercise teaches them to manage money and differentiate between wants and needs. Mothers ensure that your son knows how to mow the lawn, change filters in the furnace, pump gas, change a flat tire, jump start a car battery, and check the fluid levels in a car. When a young man leaves home, he should be able to take care of his basic needs and at the bare minimum be fully capable of performing each tasks listed above.
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Accountability
Mothers are the ultimate protectors and defenders of our children, especially our sons. We must give our sons the opportunity to think independently and allow them room to make both good and bad decisions. This is a critical part of their development as it allows them to learn from their mistakes. We must support them when they make good choices which helps to builds their confidence as well as reinforce their good decision making ability. Conversely, when they make bad decisions, we must allow them to deal with the consequences of their choices.
For instance, if they decide to cheat on an exam or repeatedly blow off work to hang out with friends, they must be left to manage the fall out of their ill-fated choices. Instead of coming to their rescue by defending, justifying, or covering up their wrongs, we must give them time to understand the brevity of their actions and feel the effects of how their choices negatively impact their lives.
We must also encourage them to acknowledge their bad choices by speaking truthfully about them. This prevents them from having to live with the constant guilt, shame, and fear of their lie being exposed. It also builds character and integrity and instills honesty and credibility as real values. Once a man is able to acknowledge errors in his decision making, he can then begin to take responsibility for and change his thought process and actions. It also gives him an opportunity to start considering how his choices impact others. Mothers that continue to cover for their sons and bail them out of trouble time after time ultimately do them a disservice. It becomes increasingly difficult for these men to make choices that are not self-serving and to accept responsibility for their irresponsible childlike behavior. Mothers we must continue to provide love and support to our sons while allowing them to learn from their own life’s experiences. We can always serve as a sounding board and offer advice and support to them when asked.
Respect
Mothers teach your sons how to respect and treat women. It is critical that you understand that you are his first model of how a woman is to behave and be treated. If you allow yourself to be disrespected and treated poorly by others, especially men, they will internalize that it is okay for women to be disrespected and treated poorly, as this is what you have modeled for them. Teach him that accepting or giving abuse in any form is never an option and is completely unacceptable. Teach your son that it is okay for men to experience and show emotions.
Create a safe environment in which he can, laugh, cry or be sad without guilt or shame. Allow him to be able to talk through his feelings if he so chooses. Don’t ever emasculate him for being human, having feelings, and displaying his emotions. This will teach him to be a more tolerant and accepting of others and to be more vulnerable in their relationships. Mothers teach your sons to open doors for you and your daughters. Teach him to pull out your chair for you when you sit. Teach him to walk on the outside if you all are walking on a sidewalk or in a parking lot.
Teach him how to properly address and converse with a woman. Take him to dine-in restaurants that require you to order from a menu. Teach him how to order from the menu. Take the time to explain the breakdown of the menu (appetizers, main course, desserts). Teach him to ask you what you wish to order and once the server arrives have him place the order for both of you. Teach him the appropriate silverware to use for each course. Teach him how to pay for the check and provide gratuity for the service. Mothers instill in your sons that they should carry themselves with dignity and grace at all times. Teach them that respect is not given, it is earned.
There is no job more exhilarating, taxing, scary, rewarding or fulfilling than that of being a mother. Motherhood requires selflessness, unconditional love, and unwavering commitment. Mothers, it is easy to get completely immersed in raising our children. But we must learn how to let go and recognize when our roles evolves from sole decision maker and chief protector to wise advisor and guide. Mothers of sons have to be especially cognizant of this critical transition, to ensure that we allow them room to blossom into responsible male adults. We must ultimately relinquish the need to control, be a part of every area of their life, and be their number one woman. We must instead take pride in knowing that we are raising someone’s potential spouse and father. Mothers it is imperative that we raise our sons to be a gift and a blessing to his family, because we know that every women deserves and desires to be respected, loved, protected, and cared for.
BMWK: Are you raising a man or a man child?