Dear Dr. Buckingham,
I am dating this guy who appears to be wonderful. He recently proposed to me, and I accepted. We are both successful individuals and are doing well professionally. I noticed that we are somewhat different when it comes to our personalities. I am more introverted, and he is more extroverted. I prefer to take the backseat, and he prefers to be upfront. This is okay with me most of the time, but lately I have grown concerned because I often find myself addressing his needs but struggle to get my needs met. I have not been able to put my finger on it, but I am sensing that there is more to his personality than I can see upfront. My girlfriends tell me that I should be concerned because my fiancé comes across as being self-centered. I am getting a little nervous because our wedding date is approaching, and I have heard negative things about people who are self-centered. How can I tell if my fiancé is self-centered?
Thanks,
Nervous in Love
Dear Nervous in Love,
I often encourage individuals to pay attention to personality traits, such as introversion, extroversion, openness, conscientiousness, agreeableness and neuroticism, as they select their partners. Understanding personality traits is extremely important because our personalities develop from multiple sources, and it influences how we conduct ourselves. A self-centered person is best defined as someone who is solely concerned with his/her own interest or welfare.
I agree with your girlfriends that you should be nervous because the last thing that you need in your life is to enter into marriage with a self-centered person. I am glad that you contacted me as well because it is not easy to identify self-centered individuals. Many individuals who are selfish know it and work hard to hide this unattractive quality.
Here are 7 Ways to Identify a Self-Centered Person
- Uses “Me or I” talk on a regular basis. I need, I want, I am not happy, etc.
- Are engrossed in themselves and are completely self-driven (I don’t need anyone).
- Likes being the center of attention in most aspects of life (work, relationship, etc.)
- Lacks empathy and struggles with understanding another’s point-of-view or emotions.
- Takes pride in being self-centered and for caring only about their needs and wants.
- Exhibits manipulative and lying behavior that gets their needs met.
- Demonstrates moments of charm, but is not truly interested in meeting others needs.
While we all exhibit some of the qualities listed above, self-centered individuals exhibit most of the qualities 90 percent of the time. You can tell if your fiancé is self-centered if he often focuses on what he needs first than on your needs.
Self-centered individuals might come across as being confident, but in reality, they are typically insecure. Most of the behavior that they demonstrate manifests as a result of low self-worth and lack of a healthy self-concept. They objectify people because they view others as sources to meet their emotional needs.
Most self-centered individuals sustain their inappropriate behavior and can remain somewhat happy even if individuals like you walk out of their lives. This is possible because they are capable of convincing themselves that you were not good enough for them.
If you believe your fiancé is self-centered please consider the following three coping strategies.
1) Understand that personality traits are rooted in past behavior. Given this, do not convince yourself that you have the ability to change him. Individuals who are self-centered rarely think or believe that anything is wrong them and will sacrifice experiencing true love in order to save face or to maintain their persona.
2) Be mindful that your needs are not as important as you think they are when it comes to interacting with self-centered individuals. Avoid playing their mind-games, getting angry or beating yourself up because you feel unlovable. Know that you are worthy of a two-sided, loving relationship, and move on if you are treated in an unworthy manner by your fiancé.
3) Do not allow him to belittle you or destroy your self-esteem. Self-centered individuals can easily dominate individuals with low self-esteem. Timidity and confidence usually does not mix well. If you feel nervous on a regular basis, please consider moving on. Do not try to meet your fiancé’s self-centered standards.
Remember that we all have personality flaws, but avoid entering into relationships with individuals who are engrossed in egotism. Relationships blossom when two individuals come together and “relate.” The ability to relate comes with the willingness and desire to care for others. Pay attention to your fiancé’s behavior and seek professional counseling if you see some of the behavioral qualities listed above. Also, remember that some personality qualities can be dysfunctional, and those individuals who display a high level of self-centeredness may suffer from a Narcissistic Personality Disorder. I highly recommend that you seek professional counseling before you get married because dealing with self-centered people can be very difficult.
Best regards,
Dr. Buckingham
If you have questions for Dr. Dwayne Buckingham regarding relationships (married, single, etc), parenting, or personal growth and development, please send an email to askdrbuckingham@gmail.com
Disclaimer: The ideas, opinions and recommendations contained in this post are not intended as a substitute for seeking professional counseling or guidance. Any concerns or questions that you have about relationships or any other source of potential distress should be discussed with a professional, in person. The author is not liable or responsible for any personal or relational distress, loss or damage allegedly arising from any information or recommendations in this post.