When I ask my smart, successful clients why they haven’t been on a date in almost two years, they always tell me the same thing: “I don’t know where to go to meet men! I’m so busy; I don’t like the clubs; there aren’t any good guys at my church; I’m not going to be throwing myself at men,” and other statements that reveal they spend their lives going to work, church home and repeat.
When I ask them if they’re using Internet dating, they almost always say, “Oh, I already tried that online dating thing. I’m not doing that again!”
Can you relate?
Maybe you put up a profile, and no one ever messaged you, making you feel rejected and invisible. Or perhaps the only people who ever wrote you looked like The Original Playa From The Himalayas, and there’s no way you’d ever date him! Maybe Internet dating feels like a meat market to you, and you get tired of all the games men play online. Perhaps you don’t have many horror stories; but you met your ex on a dating site, and it left a bad taste in your mouth toward online dating.
Whether it’s your own personal experience or the negative news reports about why black women tend to be ignored from men of all races, you may have given up hope about online dating. But I want to encourage you to give it another chance for the following three reasons:
1. Online dating is a screening tool
Part of your frustration with dating sites comes from your unrealistic expectations about them. You’ve watched those commercials of happy, smiling couples who got married six months after putting up a profile. And you hope you’ll meet someone special too.
What you need to know, however, is that a dating site is just a tool. It’s a way for you to connect with and then screen other singles. When you’re setting up your profile, let this be your mantra: “There are great people offline, and there are great people online. There are crazy people offline, and there are crazy people online!” Adjust your expectations, so you understand there will be many people on the site who are simply not a match for you. It’s your job to be discerning and patient as you weed through emails and phone calls until you meet someone who is worth dating.
2. Online dating increases your dating pool
The reality is most people are just too busy these days and can do most of their errands from the comfort of their homes. You can order dinner, get your groceries delivered, read a book, download a movie and more without leaving the house! So what are the odds that you’ll just bump into the person of your dreams while you’re out and about?
Instead of leaving your love life to a chance meeting, you can leverage your time by interacting with singles on a dating app in as little as 30 minutes per day. You’ll meet more people in a day online than you would during your weekly routine.
When it comes to modern dating, numbers matter. When you have multiple options you’ll resist getting attached to the next person who shows you attention. You won’t waste your time with someone who’s just playing games either, if you know you can just get back online and meet someone new.
3. Online dating has lost its stigma
You may feel embarrassed to get online, as though you’re throwing yourself at men. But if this is the only reason why you won’t try online dating again, then you might as well delete your Facebook app because online dating is just as popular as social media! In fact, recent studies by the Pew Research Center have shown that 59 percent of the public feel online dating is a good way to meet people.
This acceptance of Internet dating is a huge shift from when I was single. I remember finding out a woman from my church had met her new husband online. The rest of us single sisters gossiped and giggled, wondering if he was a serial killer. So much has changed since then. As many as 30 percent of married couples met their spouse online. To be sure, you do need to keep yourself safe at all times when you’re meeting someone from a dating site, but no one’s going to think you’re desperate if you create a profile.
If you’ve given up on Internet dating, it’s not the online dating site that’s the problem. It’s your feelings about it that’s getting in the way of you having success. If you shift your mindset about that online dating thing, develop a persistent and positive outlook and learn some simple skills that will help you screen potential matches better, you, too, could be an online dating success story!
BMWK, are you willing to try online dating again? Why or why not?