If I’ve seen it once, I’ve seen it a dozen times. As a matchmaker and dating coach, I’ve watched smart, successful sisters make a deadly mistake in relationships: they refuse to date a man with kids! “But Dr. Aesha,” they insist. “I don’t have any kids. I kept myself, and I think it’s only fair for me to have a standard that the man I marry doesn’t have kids.”
A first date is about exploring if there’s enough attraction and common values for you to have another date.
While I get where you’re coming from, I’m afraid that your unrealistic standard might cause you to miss out on a man who could be the husband you’ve been praying for.
I’m going to share with you, just like I share with my clients, 3 reasons why you shouldn’t diss a man just because he has kids.
You’re shrinking your dating pool
The reality is, there are many single fathers on the dating scene. If you automatically filter one out of your online dating searches, or cut him off as soon as he tells you he has kids, you’re forgetting an important part of dating and courtship: A first date is about exploring if there’s enough attraction and common values for you to have another date.
When you cut someone off before he even has a chance to reveal who he is to you, you could miss out!
You’re judging a man based on past decisions instead of his present actions
Most women that I know, who refuse to even have coffee with a single father, say things like: “I don’t want any baby mama drama!” or “I want to start my own family with a man. I don’t want anyone else in the mix.”
These sisters are being judgmental–yes judgmental–because they don’t have all of the information about a man’s situation. Just because a man has children doesn’t mean he has “baggage.”
- He could have a great relationship with his ex.
- He could be financially independent and not have any issues with child support.
- He could be kind, loving, supportive and treat you better than other men who don’t have kids.
- His children could be open to (and even asking for) their father to find love again.
My point is, when you make snap decisions based upon limited insight about a man’s situation, you are judging him based on his past instead of how he’s treating you in the present.
You’re mixing up preferences and standards
I get it. You have standards. But saying that you’d never date a man with kids because you have standards shows me you don’t really understand what a standard is.
Standards are about what you should expect from yourself, not from other people. You can’t control anyone else’s decisions, but you can control how you’ll respond.
For example, saying you have a standard that you won’t date anyone shorter than 5’11” is ridiculous, because a man’s height is out of his control.
This isn’t a standard. It’s a preference because you’d rather date someone taller than 5″11 instead of someone who was shorter.
You can set a standard that you won’t date anyone who is abusive, emotionally unavailable, unkind, unable to communicate, and so forth.
This way, you are deciding the kinds of behaviors you won’t allow into your life.
So let’s apply this to dating men with kids.
You could say, “I prefer to date men who don’t have kids. I have a standard that I will only date men who are kind, men of integrity, honest and trustworthy.”
If a man comes along who has these inner traits, but also has two kids, you could tweak your preferences and say: “I won’t date men who have more than two kids, who don’t have a great relationship with the kids or the mom, and who don’t have time to spend with me because he’s too busy with his family to fit me into his life.”
In other words, your preferences can change as you date because you’ll stay open to the possibilities that your perfect partner may come in a way you would never expect.
Making a man’s single father status a deal-breaker before you even get to know him is a guaranteed way to block your blessings. Let go of your rules and let love surprise you! You never know what God has planned.
BMWK, are you blocking your blessings by excluding single fathers from your dating pool?