If you’ve been dating for any length of time you’ve probably heard things like:
“You have to love yourself before you can love someone else.”
“A relationship can’t heal you. Become whole first and then look for love.”
“Work on yourself before you even think about getting married.”
Well, what if I told you these truisms were actually urban legends that can block you from real love if you continue to believe them? First, let’s examine each one and then talk about what you should do instead.
“You have to love yourself before you can love anyone else”
I actually used to teach this to the singles I work with. In fact, I still spend a lot of time talking about self-love and self-care, because many of the high-achieving, highly successful Black women I mentor put themselves at the bottom of their priority list. They know how to be strong for everyone else yet have a hard time receiving love.
However, my perspective changed when I read this quote by psychologist Ken Page:
Sometimes the only way to learn self-love is by being loved–precisely in the parts of ourselves where we feel most unsure and tender.
In other words, when we open ourselves up to true emotional intimacy, and those parts of ourselves that we tend to feel insecure about are loved and accepted by someone else, we learn to love them too. Sometimes we don’t recognize how amazing we are until we see ourselves through someone else’s eyes!
Isn’t that what happens when we experience the love of God? It happens in relationships with people too! Which leads me to the second urban legend.
“A relationship can’t heal you. Become whole first and then look for love.”
On the surface, this cliche holds a lot of truth. How many times have you fallen in love with someone who needed to be “fixed?” This person was unable to overcome his or her insecurities and there was a lot of pain and drama in the relationship as a result. It makes sense that we’d teach people to be 100% whole before they joined lives with someone else.
Related: 10 Scriptures to help you heal after a bad break up.
But there’s another way to think about the purpose of relationships (especially marriage) that shows God’s original design. I listened to a marriage therapist say this at a seminar:
“If you’ve been hurt in a relationship, the only way to be healed is through another relationship.”
In other words, instead of trying to avoid a relationship, and avoiding being hurt again, those wounds can be loved into healing through another relationship.
Ponder this quote:
We are born into relationship, we are wounded in relationship, and we can be healed in relationship. Indeed, we cannot be fully healed outside of a relationship. (Harville Hendrix)
Say for instance you opened up your heart to someone who loved you enough to date you, but not marry you. You gave your best, offered your tender care and kindness, but it wasn’t recognized as a special gift to be cherished.
You could decide to swear off love and hide those most precious parts of your heart. Or you could try again and find someone who can receive your love. When you do find this safe place for your heart, it’s like healing balm for all the wounds the wrong people inflicted on your soul.
Simply put, your healing is waiting for you in another relationship.
“Work on yourself before you even think about getting married.”
This final urban legend is related to the other two. Because we’ve been taught we have to love ourselves first and that no one else can heal us, we’ve been taught to work on ourselves.
Now we’ve already established that God’s whole reason for creating relationships was for us to grow into our best selves. But shouldn’t you work on those unloveable parts of yourself before you try and attract someone into your life?
Yes and no.
- If you broke your leg, would you try to work on it yourself?
- Would you try to read books about loving your leg so it can be ready to walk again?
- Would you ask your friends for advice on how they healed their legs and then go and try to do what they did?
- Would you spend time praying and reading your Bible so that your leg could heal? No. Why? Because the longer you waited, the more infected your leg would get. Instead, you’d go to the doctor who would immediately know how to fix your leg!
In much the same way, if your heart has been broken, you can’t “work on yourself.” You can work on yourself with someone’s help, however!
Find a coach, mentor, or therapist who can come alongside you and lead the way to your healing. They can help you mend your deepest wounds and get back on the dating scene so you can love again.
To find real love, you have to go deeper than cliches and urban legends. Let yourself be loved!
BMWK, what other urban legends have you heard about love, dating, and relationships?