Ladies, has anyone ever told you that you may be too picky when it comes to men? How about over critical or hard on the guys who try to get to know you better?
I have. But instead of taking offense, I saw it as an opportunity to evaluate my actions toward guys and extend a little more grace. But how can you balance both grace and discernment?
For help on finding that balance, I turned to Adrienne Bell, a relationship strategist, author and CEO of Wifeability, a company dedicated to coaching wives to be better spouses and preparing single women for marriage. Bell instructed me answer these three key questions, which I now present to you.
1. Are you too hostile?
Being too hard on men is when you come to the table guarded and defensive. Women automatically have the tendency to think ALL men think and act the same, especially if they have been betrayed in the past. Your dating prospects should not feel like they are trying to pacify a vicious pitbull. Be gentle, be soft, be your best and understand that even though he is a man, he is human and needs divine help from God like you do.
2. Are you overreacting ?
Men and women naturally have the tendency to misunderstand each other. A man may struggle with understanding a woman’s emotions, or a woman may have a tough time understanding a man’s tendency to shut down in emotionally-charged situations, but neither mean it’s a deal breaker.
Even though you have an issue there is no need to panic about it; stay calm, keep it brief, find a resolution or agree to disagree. If you are having a challenge understanding him, take your concerns to the manufacturer, God. Ask Him for a little bit of “technical” support for your concerns; He is never wrong about His creation.
Are you too critical?
You are too critical of your mate when no matter how much good he does, you always find a way to discredit or downplay his good qualities. Another sign is your mate goes out of his way to avoid a fight but you still find a reason to fight with him.
Lastly, when you notice he is quiet or distant in public settings, he could be very afraid of how critical you can be in front of other people.
So what is the root cause of this behavior?
Often, the root cause is the woman who is not happy with herself, and she may be a victim of self-sabotage. We must change from being critical to being intentional in our efforts to build up and not tear down.
If you have nothing positive to say to build up, please don’t use your energy to tear him (or anyone else) down.
How do you change?
The fastest way to refrain from being too critical is to first find out why you are critical. Were you criticized as a child? Were your efforts always looked at as not enough? Forgive the person who put you through this agony.
Next, forgive yourself. Forgive yourself for all of the self-abuse you’ve put yourself through. You are God’s beloved creation. If you abuse yourself, you are hurting God’s feelings. If you love Him, please Him by taking better care of your “inner you.”
Once you realize you are beautifully and wonderfully made, don’t look back. Connect with other like-minded women, like the ladies of Wifeability, who can help you embrace accountability through sisterhood. Accountability is a key component to sustainable change.
At this point in your self-awareness, you’ll be prepared to date with grace. Grace means humility, mental stability and spiritual reliance. It means that you aren’t perfect, but you are open to change. You can be focused and polite simultaneously without lowering you standards. Just remember, if a man doesn’t meet your standards, you can always respectfully walk away.
BMWK: How can a woman balance grace and her standards when dating or courting?
NOTE: Adrienne Bell and her guests will be addressing the topic “Single and Frustrated” and more at the Wifeability S.P.A. Treatment Women’s Summit on April 29 to 30, 2016 in the Jacksonville, Fla., area.