By: Marcee Woodard
When I was single, nothing was more frustrating than feeling like I was ready for my prince charming, but all I kept getting was his pet frogs. I knew what I wanted and I knew what I deserved, but with each failed relationship, it seemed further out of my reach.
I longed to find the perfect guy for me.
But, there was just one problem: I wasn’t perfect for me.
With every failed relationship, I packed more baggage, added it to the baggage I already had, and traveled down the yellow brick road to nowhere.
I decided it was time for me to get off that road. I’d rather die alone (not necessarily lonely) rather than waste time and head space on another boo who wasn’t worth the lint in my pocket.
Yes, I was called crazy, snooty, homo and a lot of other horrible things. But, it didn’t matter to me. I was determined to break the cycle.
So I set out on a journey to find myself and to lose my baggage. Here’s what I learned from not dating for over 3 years.
- Most singles don’t know how to be in a relationship with anyone but themselves. It’s not always easy to admit when you are overly consumed with all things you- also known as being selfish. Everything has to be done your way and in your timing. Sometimes you may not realize you’re selfish until you are actually in a relationship or until your closest friends and family give you a reality check.
Lesson: The good news is, if you shift your focus to making others happy, you can attract someone that does the same.
- If your motives for wanting to be in a relationship are wrong, your relationships will never work. When I was single, my number one reason for wanting to be in a relationship was because I needed to feel accepted and approved. I needed validation and I thought a relationship would make me feel good about myself. But when those initial feelings of relationship euphoria wore off, the needy little girl in me resurfaced again.
Lesson: It took me some time to realize that it’s ok to be me: short legs, curvy thighs and belly rolls. I don’t have to be perfect to be loved. I deserve to be loved because love is perfect!
- You should practice self-validation without expecting someone else to do it for you. It’s natural to want to be endorsed by others, but you shouldn’t depend on it in order to feel good about you. Self-esteem, self-worth and self-validation all come from your-SELF.
Lesson: Fortunately, there’s no crime in joining your own support team. Instead of waiting for someone else to pat you on the back, give yourself what you need.
- There is something in you that keeps you attracted to the same types. Do you want to know why everyone else is taking the walk down the aisle, while you are alone yet another holiday season? Because you keep falling for the same lame non-committals who just want to hookup, hangout or chill; the same lame gold diggers or couch potatoes who want a sugar momma; and the same lame players who want you to be just another team member.
Lesson: Enough already. The common denominator here, is you. If you want to change what you’re attracting, it may be time to change you. If you suffer from hurt, pain, anger or rejection from the past, you are attracting relationships that enable your disease. There’s no way for you to attract healthy relationships because mentally and spiritually, you are not healthy.
- It’s never too early to learn how to be a wife. During my hiatus, I studied my pastor’s wife and other happily married women. They were loyal women who were also humble. In spite of the corporate titles they may have carried outside of their homes, they were not too proud to need their men.
Lesson: Through them I learned when to shut up. I learned what respect means to a man and I learned that I actually show more strength by asserting myself without a stiff neck.
“Your relationships will only be as healthy as you are. “
I certainly didn’t intend to stay off the grid for over 3 years and I’m not necessarily saying that’s what it will take for anyone else to find love. For me, it was all about God’s timing and His will for my life. Personally, I didn’t care how long it took. I knew that I would have to make some changes if I wanted my life to change.
If you’re tired of kissing frogs, it may be time for you to step back and take a look at you. It’s time to discover what’s holding you back from finding your happily-ever-after.
Marcee Woodard is a Christian Counselor who guides single women through self-discovery and teaches them how to love so that they can attract the relationships they deserve.