I recently received the following email from someone seeking relationship advice. Since there are others who might be in the same situation, I wanted to share the letter as well as the response.
The reader wrote:
“I met someone online a few months ago. We would web chat and talk over the phone. We decided to meet in person. Our first date went very well and we really connected emotionally, intellectually and spiritually. We have been seeing each other regularly and have become intimate. This person is very supportive and attentive. My problem is I do not know if we are in a relationship or not or if they view me just as a friend with (ahem!) benefits. We never had the conversation on what our relationship was before becoming intimate and didn’t discuss it afterwards. Now I do not really know how to bring it up without it being awkward, but at the same time I would really like to know where I stand , if it is a committed relationship or not. I am scared that I will get attached to this person and risk getting hurt if we are not on the same page in terms of what we want and how we view our “relationship”. I also think I am scared of losing someone who has become a great friend and support at a time when I need it most , if it turns out that we do not want the same things. When is the right time to address this issue and what will be the best way for me to bring this up without scaring this person away. Thanks in advance for you input.”
I responded with the following:
The right time to address the issue, of course, was before you became intimate. However, don’t beat yourself up too much about the decision to move the relationship to this level without a confirmation. There is a relationship here, whether it’s a friendship with benefits or a committed relationship is yet to be determined. The great thing is that there does appear to be a true friendship there, and that is always the greatest foundation for any relationship.
In terms of awkwardness, it is more awkward not to know where you stand. You don’t want to find yourself years down the line thinking it’s something more than it is and the person has actually never committed. I am a big supporter of open and honest communication. No matter how funky it feels, you cheat yourself when you don’t share what it is you want. If they don’t desire the same thing, at least you know and you can move forward. But if they do, you can begin to develop that committed partnership.
The intimacy can definitely be a sign of something more significant, but you can’t be sure until you ask. If you desire to have a relationship with this person, ask for what you want. You can always start a conversation with positives.
“I am really enjoying our time together, you have been a great friend and always there when I need you. I also enjoy our intimate moments and because I do, I wanted to get a pulse check from you. This feels like the beginning of a really good relationship and I would like to make sure we are on the same page.”
After this opening, you can begin to share what page you’re on and allow the other person to share which one they are on. Make sure the conversation feels safe and relaxed. There shouldn’t be any pressure from either side in this conversation. You don’t want them to just say things they think you want to hear. You want honesty, so make that a requirement upfront. Again, if you’re not on the same page, you will have a tough decision to make. But you have to do what’s best for you.
I wish you all the best, but go get what you really want! Life is short and it shouldn’t be wasted on uncertainty.
BMWK, what advice would you offer her?