As a spouse we should feel safe and secure in our marriage. There should rarely be a moment where we experience thoughts of doubt or anxiety over whether or not our spouse is still attracted to us. After the birth of children, weight gain, loss and aging, it’s no wonder we sometimes feel threatened or unsure of where we stand with our partner.
Unfortunately, today, it’s easier than ever to stay connected with people from the past and even create new friendships, all unbeknownst to our spouse. We have to be more aware than ever when friendships, words and actions begin to cross the line and head down a dangerous flirtatious path.
Attention from those outside of our marriage can be flattering. Feeling like we still “got it” is a natural response to an ex proclaiming how good time has been to us. While we may see it as being harmless, there are quite a few challenges that surface as a result of flirting while married. As adults we are able to handle the unwanted advances that come our way, but what should we do when someone flirts with our spouse?
When I think of this topic I am always inspired by a friend of a friend who gracefully handled someone flirting with her husband. The friend of a friend’s husband was a little league coach of a boy’s baseball team. Recently, a single mom of one of the boys that the husband coached approached the husband and asked him out. The husband, while flattered, thanked her for the offer but reminded the mom he was married. To which she asked “but are you happily married”.
The husband of course answered he definitely was and thought that was the end of it. Again, the mom asked him out, and a few times after. During the course of this mom’s unwanted advances, the husband eventually shared everything with his wife. The wife’s response is one we all can learn from. As you may have guessed, she did confront the single mom. However, she approached her as an adult, with words of wisdom, instead of tearing her down. She shared with the single mom that she understands the challenges that come along with being single and raising a child. The wife also stated that she understood the attraction the mom had toward her husband. It made sense to her, because her husband is attractive and a wonderful man.
The wife went on to express to the single mom, that she too could find a man just like him, but she should search for one that would be solely committed to her and not belong to someone else. Because this single mom deserved the same kind of happiness the wife had experienced, but she shouldn’t cheat herself by trying to create a relationship with someone so unavailable. The mom understood and no longer flirted with that husband.
Now I don’t know very many individuals who could’ve handled this situation as maturely as this wife did. We have natural responses that come with someone flirting with our spouse, and they usually aren’t as compassionate. If we aren’t careful, this type of flirting can cause serious challenges between us and our spouse. When we find ourselves wondering exactly what course of action to take in moments like this, and before we go “all hell-to-the-naw” here are some suggestions.
1. Communicate your initial concerns with your spouse. No matter how silly they may seem, we want our spouse on alert so they can properly handle the situation.
2. Don’t be so quick to accuse your spouse of anything. Just because someone flirts with our spouse it doesn’t mean they are flirting back. Conversations don’t typically go as well when we start them off in an accusatory tone.
3. Don’t shut down or mistreat your spouse if they haven’t done anything wrong.
4. Don’t be too surprised. The same thing that attracted you is also attractive to others. Who wouldn’t want a handsome or beautiful good man or woman.
5. Use it as a reminder to give life to your marriage. When we relax in our relationships, it gives others the opportunity to creep in and do the things we’ve neglected.
6. Don’t pull off the earrings and put on the boxing gloves just yet. It’s natural to want to defend our position, but violence serves no one and can cause very serious repercussions. We must handle grown up difficulties like grown ups. If your spouse is having a challenge communicating why the behavior is inappropriate to the offender, help him/her out in a mature, non-confrontational way. Handling the situation in the way mentioned above is ideal, not always easy, but definitely ideal. Otherwise help your spouse put the correct words together to carefully deal with it.
7. Trust your partner. The worst thing we can do is feed into the flirting, allowing it to alter our relationship.
It can be really difficult to deal with someone else’s attraction to our partner. How we choose to react will have either a negative or positive impact on our marriage. If you’re aiming for the positive, the steps above will definitely serve you well.
BMWK, have you ever had to deal with someone flirting with your spouse? If so, how did you handle it?