by Delano Squires
A few people have asked me why a childless, single man writes for a blog called Black and Married with Kids. My response is that I write for this blog because there is a need for male voices to be heard in conversations related to love, intimacy, relationships, and family. Last week Aja Dorsey Jackson penned a thought-provoking post that addressed this very issue by discussing the lack of relationship advice specifically written for men. She also pointed out that women often endure the majority of criticism when relationships fail to work as planned.
That piece made me wonder whether the shortage of relationship advice targeted at men is due to the perception that relationships, marriage, and family are not considered to be core aspects of masculinity. There has been a lot of talk lately about the holistic condition of men. Some people believe the traditional masculine image is an endangered species due to a number of factors, including 1) the current recession’s disproportionate effect on jobs and sectors traditionally dominated by men, 2) educational, employment, and economic gains by women, and 3) the difficult circumstances in which many men find themselves due to depression, alcoholism, homelessness, etc. Prevailing wisdom dictates that it is difficult for men to be effective in relationships when they do not feel a sense of purpose and fulfillment in their personal and professional lives. This is not to say that there are no outlets that offer relationship advice for men. One self-described expert on Essence online feels he has found the key: “All relationships and marriages are either successful or they fail based solely on the leadership of the man.” The author also states “men are the problems in relationships, not women.” This author’s perspective is on the opposite end of the spectrum from those who imply that the bad behavior of men in relationships is due primarily to female shortcomings. This school of thought produces articles that give women advice on how to ‘keep’ their man from cheating. Both paradigms ultimately fall short because they treat the opposite sex as objects in a relationship instead of fully-engaged, self-determined actors. For example, a man has no more power to counteract a wounded woman’s propensity for relationship self-sabotage than a woman has to keep faithful a man who can never find contentment in a monogamous relationship. While I agree that there are things that a man and woman can do to mutually strengthen their relationship, these are tools and strategies rooted in partnership, not paternalism. We do ourselves a disservice when we go into relationships believing we can either mold our partners into an image that suits our tastes or control their actions so as to prevent disappointment.
The extent to which men are comfortable with their roles in society will ultimately impact their ability to properly function in relationships. If the traditional embodiment of masculinity is indeed on the decline, it is possible we will look back at this period in history and see that it opened a space for men to rethink the defining elements of manhood. Maybe we are reaching a point where a father who chooses to take advantage of paternity leave to care for a young child will be seen as just as much of a man as the father who sacrifices family time to doggedly pursue his career. Perhaps a new generation of men will no longer define themselves by possessions, positions, titles, or other tangible social and economic markers but instead by less measurable traits, such as integrity, honesty, commitment, faithfulness, resilience, and determination. It is important for the next generation of men to know that profession does not equal purpose, and that a man should be as much of an active contributor to the development of his relationship and family as he is to the development of his career. Men have been socialized to believe that their primary contribution to the home should be economic but I have often found that physical presence and quality time are much more valuable to loved ones than material goods and expensive gifts. Wives, girlfriends, and children have always seen men as more than a paycheck”“now it’s time that men do the same.
BMWK, do you think the traditional male image is on the decline? What does manhood mean to you? How would you finish the following sentence: “Real men…”
Delano Squires is currently a graduate student in Race, Ethnicity, and Public Policy at the George Washington University. His interests are contemporary African American culture and fatherhood, families, and child development. Follow him on Twitter @Mr_Squires.