I’ve been putting off cleaning my apartment all week. I’ve been busy with work, family and personal endeavors and have stepped over the mess on my floor on my way out of the door to other activities. But this morning, I woke up before the sun came up, to finally spring clean my living space. I scrubbed the floors, cleaned the closets and organized my desk. I tossed out what I once thought were important papers but never read after stuffing them in my junk drawer. I bagged clothes for Good Will that I never found the perfect accessory for at the mall.
While I organized my home life, I wondered if I should toss some things out of my dating life. I decided to throw out some thoughts about the past. I can no longer look at a college sweetheart’s social media page and wonder what it would be like to be in a relationship with the person today–when I’m no longer commitment phobic. For every time, there is a season. And this is the season to spring clean. Here are four faulty habits you may want to put in the dating dumpster.
1. Dispose of Facebook Stalking Ways
It’s normal to Google someone you meet, but hold off on becoming their Facebook friend, especially if you make personal posts. Keep a little bit of mystery in the mix. Get too know each other the old fashioned way before opening the door to the world wide web and a world of information. Also, don’t create a false friendship. Just because you know what music the person listens to on Spotify, what hangouts the person checked in at through a map app and what vacation pictures the person uploaded on Instagram doesn’t mean you’re a friend. It’s just means you’re slightly stalkerish-in a nonthreatening kind of way of course. Besides, you may slip and ask how her grandmother’s 90th birthday bash turned out and the person never told you she was attending the party.
2. Remove Statements Such as No Good Men or Women Are Left
Remember dating is sometimes about quantity. But dating that leads to marriage is about quality. You don’t have to meet 100 Mr. or Mrs. Rights. You only need to connect with one perfect person. Perfect in the sense that he/she is perfect for you. It’s a major turnoff when I meet a man who says all women are out for his money. I correct him by saying that all the women you are dating are out for your money, not all women in general. I also hate to hear women proclaiming that all men are dogs, or even more upsetting, that all good black men are married.
3. Trash Talking on Yourself
I have a friend who announced that it was written in stone that she will always be single. With that attitude, I’m sure she will be by herself for years to come. Sometimes singles act as though finding a date is an extremely unrealistic task, like walking on the moon or performing brain surgery. Nothing is more unattractive than someone who thinks they are unattractive–inside or out. People may feel sorry for you. People may even have sex with you. But those same people won’t respect you. You can’t expect someone to think higher of yourself than you do.
4. Toss Out an Eager Attitude
It’s natural to express an interest. But being overly eager could cause you to smother someone and scare the person away before getting to know you. I’m attracted to men who have a life outside of me. Of course, I want someone to want to spend time with me. However, i also want someone who has friends, interests and activities. If someone is too pressed, I start to feel suffocated. They rush into a relationship, overanalyze everything I say or expect for me to check in regularly when we just met. You should be genuine and honest just not too transparent in the beginning. Wait to see if the initial excitement continues over time before you end something prematurely because you come off a bit desperate.
5. Find Your Fears and Face Them
My favorite part about spring cleaning is finding money in pockets and purses and memorabilia in boxes. This morning, I found a 5th grade progress report that stated that I scored a 96% in reading and an 89% in math on a state standardized test–well above state and national averages. It was a nice reminder of my greatness. But sometimes I’m not super confident and used to fear that I would be by myself forever. I’ve since faced that fear. Perhaps your fear is a fear of abandonment, intimacy or committment. Reflect on who you are and what you really want, and face any fears that might hold you back.
Hey BMWK–What relationship junk will you toss out during your spring cleaning?