By Dr. Michelle T. Johnson
I was cooking dinner. Our 5-year-old daughter was washing dishes. My husband had just come home from work and had made his way into the kitchen to be with “his ladies.” Before I could finish plating dinner, hubby had is arms wrapped tightly around my waist and was planting a tender kiss on my lips. Those spontaneous displays of affection always make me blush and giggle like a newlywed.
At one point in our 15-year marriage, I would have rushed through that moment. Not intentionally, just out of habit. You know how we do sometimes, right? Dinner, laundry, homework, the to-do list saps all the romance and spontaneity out of the marriage. Not this time. Throughout the years, I have learned my lesson: to Inhale, exhale, and receive from my man, especially when he initiates intimacy.
As much fun as our daughter was having pretending to help mommy wash dishes, all of that stopped when she caught a glimpse of mommy and daddy loving on each other. Daddy made both of “his ladies” blush and giggle that day. Seeing her face light up at the sight of such tenderness, I knew then that was part of what she needed to feel secure and loved.
And then I had a flashback. I remembered seeing her play with her baby dolls in a similar fashion. The boy doll, who for some reason never has on clothes, was kissing the girl doll. She’s wardrobe challenged too. Looking through the car rearview mirror, I watched my daughter make the boy doll and the girl doll kiss. My protective mommy instinct wanted to intervene in her pretend play because, in my opinion, a 5-year-old shouldn’t know anything about kissing like that. For a split-second, my mind even went to wondering if she had been exposed to something inappropriate on television or even from a child predator. I know. . . I was overreacting just a tad. I guess all those Law and Order: SVU episodes were catching up to me.
It wasn’t until that day in the kitchen when I made the connection. The baby dolls weren’t pretending; they were reenacting. “Is that what you were doing with your doll babies?” I asked, trying not to sound critical.
“Yes,” she said between giggles.
By this time, her shirt was soaking wet and so was the kitchen floor. Probing a little more, I inquired: “Are they husband and wife?”
“No. . . they’re boyfriend and girlfriend,” she teased.
“Oh. . . okay. But you know that’s what husbands and wives do, right?”
“I know,” she replied abruptly. By that time her playful demeanor had changed, as if to say,”Enough already, Mama.”
Taking my cues from her, I announced it was time for dinner. As she moved on to another topic, my mind continued to think about the importance of modeling for our daughter what a healthy marriage looks like. As her parents, we have an obligation to be more than mommy and daddy to her. We are obligated as well to be positive role models of a husband and a wife. The joy I saw in her eyes as she watched her parents embrace each other confirmed for me that we are doing a pretty good job.
Instead of learning about love and physical affection from television and peers (or God forbid from a predator), she should be learning about them from her parents. As her first teachers, we can give her a firm foundation of what true love and a real marriage looks like in the flesh. So when she is bombarded with negative images of male and female relationships, she will have a real-life relationship to reference.
Children””black children””need to see black love in action, not just in words but in deeds. Physicality in marriage is good when it is expressed the right way. We should hug and kiss in front of our children. Play wrestle on the floor as a family. Hold hands in public. Rub each others’ feet while watching television. The main point is to touch each other so our children will know what proper physicality looks and feels like. Ask any child development expert, and I think they will agree it’s healthy for children to see outward displays of affection and to reenact them in pretend play.
Instead of being all paranoid about my daughter making her Ken and Barbie kiss, I’m relieved that she notices and finds security in mommy and daddy’s display of love for each other. I won’t stop her from playing with her dolls that way, unless it reveals something unhealthy, and hubby and I won’t stop being affectionate in front of her. What will change, however, is that Ken has to put some clothes on. I don’t know how much longer I can take these naked and half-clothed baby dolls.
How do you all feel about displaying physical affection in front of your children? Is this something your parents did in front of you, or is this a part of a new generation of black parents?
Dr. Michelle T. Johnson is a wife, mother, writer, and entrepreneur. She is a pastor’s wife and the founder of Alabaster Women’s Ministry, an online international women’s ministry. She blogs and writes a bi-weekly marriage column for an online Christian women’s magazine.