By Dr. Michelle T. Johnson
I was cooking dinner. Our 5-year-old daughter was washing dishes. My husband had just come home from work and had made his way into the kitchen to be with “his ladies.” Before I could finish plating dinner, hubby had is arms wrapped tightly around my waist and was planting a tender kiss on my lips. Those spontaneous displays of affection always make me blush and giggle like a newlywed.
At one point in our 15-year marriage, I would have rushed through that moment. Not intentionally, just out of habit. You know how we do sometimes, right? Dinner, laundry, homework, the to-do list saps all the romance and spontaneity out of the marriage. Not this time. Throughout the years, I have learned my lesson: to Inhale, exhale, and receive from my man, especially when he initiates intimacy.
As much fun as our daughter was having pretending to help mommy wash dishes, all of that stopped when she caught a glimpse of mommy and daddy loving on each other. Daddy made both of “his ladies” blush and giggle that day. Seeing her face light up at the sight of such tenderness, I knew then that was part of what she needed to feel secure and loved.
And then I had a flashback. I remembered seeing her play with her baby dolls in a similar fashion. The boy doll, who for some reason never has on clothes, was kissing the girl doll. She’s wardrobe challenged too. Looking through the car rearview mirror, I watched my daughter make the boy doll and the girl doll kiss. My protective mommy instinct wanted to intervene in her pretend play because, in my opinion, a 5-year-old shouldn’t know anything about kissing like that. For a split-second, my mind even went to wondering if she had been exposed to something inappropriate on television or even from a child predator. I know. . . I was overreacting just a tad. I guess all those Law and Order: SVU episodes were catching up to me.
It wasn’t until that day in the kitchen when I made the connection. The baby dolls weren’t pretending; they were reenacting. “Is that what you were doing with your doll babies?” I asked, trying not to sound critical.
“Yes,” she said between giggles.
By this time, her shirt was soaking wet and so was the kitchen floor. Probing a little more, I inquired: “Are they husband and wife?”
“No. . . they’re boyfriend and girlfriend,” she teased.
“Oh. . . okay. But you know that’s what husbands and wives do, right?”
“I know,” she replied abruptly. By that time her playful demeanor had changed, as if to say,”Enough already, Mama.”
Taking my cues from her, I announced it was time for dinner. As she moved on to another topic, my mind continued to think about the importance of modeling for our daughter what a healthy marriage looks like. As her parents, we have an obligation to be more than mommy and daddy to her. We are obligated as well to be positive role models of a husband and a wife. The joy I saw in her eyes as she watched her parents embrace each other confirmed for me that we are doing a pretty good job.
Instead of learning about love and physical affection from television and peers (or God forbid from a predator), she should be learning about them from her parents. As her first teachers, we can give her a firm foundation of what true love and a real marriage looks like in the flesh. So when she is bombarded with negative images of male and female relationships, she will have a real-life relationship to reference.
Children””black children””need to see black love in action, not just in words but in deeds. Physicality in marriage is good when it is expressed the right way. We should hug and kiss in front of our children. Play wrestle on the floor as a family. Hold hands in public. Rub each others’ feet while watching television. The main point is to touch each other so our children will know what proper physicality looks and feels like. Ask any child development expert, and I think they will agree it’s healthy for children to see outward displays of affection and to reenact them in pretend play.
Instead of being all paranoid about my daughter making her Ken and Barbie kiss, I’m relieved that she notices and finds security in mommy and daddy’s display of love for each other. I won’t stop her from playing with her dolls that way, unless it reveals something unhealthy, and hubby and I won’t stop being affectionate in front of her. What will change, however, is that Ken has to put some clothes on. I don’t know how much longer I can take these naked and half-clothed baby dolls.
How do you all feel about displaying physical affection in front of your children? Is this something your parents did in front of you, or is this a part of a new generation of black parents?
Dr. Michelle T. Johnson is a wife, mother, writer, and entrepreneur. She is a pastor’s wife and the founder of Alabaster Women’s Ministry, an online international women’s ministry. She blogs and writes a bi-weekly marriage column for an online Christian women’s magazine.
Political Pete says
Excellent article. Children need to know how to love. Black boys will know how to challenge notions of masculinity and black girls will know how they should be adored.
Dr. Michelle Johnson says
Hello Political Pete. You said something right there in terms of black masculinity. So often intimacy and tenderness are divorced from what it means to be a man. And unfortunately some of our young girls think love is supposed to harm. GREAT POINT!
Janice Nyabongo says
This is exactly what we believe. Our son is 4 and 1/2 so when he sees us kiss he’ll say “Eeww, yucky”, But he smiles when he says it. And when hubby gives me a hug, sometimes it ends up being a group hug. He knows we love him but he also knows that we love each other. My parent’s marriage broke up when I was a toddler and it seemed like all of the women in my family were the independent, don’t need a man types ( even those with men) so I had no idea what a happy marriage looked like. My husband’s parents didn’t break up but his father was from Uganda and he moved back there when he was a baby leaving them here. At that time, it would have been dangerous to take them with him. Thankfully. his uncle was his role model of a husband and a man. His knowledge of how a good man treats his wife showed me that being independent doesn’t mean that I can’t love and value my husband. We want our son to know what a good marriage looks like first hand and he is happy and secure with that knowledge.
Dr. Michelle Johnson says
Wow Janice. I feel you on so many levels. We CAN be confident and able women and still lean on our husbands. That’s what we are supposed to do. And don’t you just love it when our kids tease and giggle about PDAs but also smile and try to get in on the action?
I love it.
Thanks so much for commenting.
Cassdurham says
Parents need to diplay appropriate physical affection in front of thier children because if they do not see it at home, then they believe what the see on television and in the homes of of peers. We are our the teachers of our children, they model our behavior in many, many areas of thier lives.
Growing up in my home, I did not see a lot of PDA between my parents, no more than my father giving my mother a peck on the lips when he was going somewhere. This is probably why my children did not see it a lot in our home, but they see it alot now, because we have learned that this is what we should do. When we learn better, we should do better.
Dr. Michelle Johnson says
Cass,
That’s so true. You know I didn’t see it a lot either. But I also didn’t see violence. I knew my parents loved each other and would “sneak” a kiss every once in a while. I loved getting a glimpse of it though. I do think it is generational, though. We can change this, don’t you think?
kenzie says
I was just thinking this when I was on my date this past weekend. My parents never showed affection. It’s like I go “handicapped” the moment a guy tries to show their affection. I know, sounds bad. I’ll always make up an excuse and say cant we just talk. Or I’d say “It seems as if you’re not trying to get to know me.” excuses excuses excuses. But reality, my parents never embraced each other. If my dad tried to hug her she’d just stand there lol But I def wish I had of seen it in young days because now it makes “awkward moments” smh
Dr. Michelle Johnson says
Kenzie,
My heart just broke for you reading your comment. That’s so real and so many people are going through that. It’s good you know that now and can begin to work on opening up. Surround yourself with couples who do show affection. It will start to rub off. I promise. 🙂
kenzie says
I know, I’m working on it… smh. My mom has never hugged/kissed me. Maybe a pat on the back every once in a while.
Stevans63 says
Nice article..my parents had a very loving, romantic, playful marriage and displayed it in front of us chuildren. However, I do wonder why you relegate loving behavior to married couples only? Appropriate loving behavior is good for all couples…
Todra Payne says
I’m glad you pointed that out. I was talking yesterday with a friend who said so many young women at her Christian college are paranoid about loving, affectionate relationships on any level because there’s so much pressure to “save that for marriage.” So they rush and marry inappropriate people just to receive the affection that is normal in life. A kiss is not a sin, for goodness sakes.
Dr. Michelle Johnson says
Hello Todra,
You are so right. Rushing to get married is not a good thing at all. Thanks for commenting.
Dr. Michelle Johnson says
Thank you. What a blessing to have that example in your childhood. To answer your question, I was writing directly from the perspective of being married, which doesn’t negate the experiences of singles. If it came off that way, my apologies. As you said, appropriate loving behavior is good for all. However, if I were writing about singles I would have to address a few other issues, namely appropriate relationships when children are involved, boundaries in terms of physical contact, etc. The premise that we all need affection is true, but our displays of affection and motives for them are different when a covenant is/isn’t involved.
You bring up an excellent point, and if you would like me to write more on that, just let me know. That could be an article by itself. 🙂
Again, thank you.
Anonymous says
I love it, Dr. Michelle! Great article. It’ll have to share this with my younger sister. I was just talking to her about this the other day–how our children reenact what we do at home. Love Love Love it and your daughter is a cutie pie! 😉
Anonymous says
I love it, Dr. Michelle! Great article. It’ll have to share this with my younger sister. I was just talking to her about this the other day–how our children reenact what we do at home. Love Love Love it and your daughter is a cutie pie! 😉
Dr. Michelle Johnson says
Thank you Kennisha. Our children teach us so much if only we would make time to be present and alert to them.
Laja says
i love it! and i laughed when she said they were “boyfriend and girlfriend” instead of husband and wife. i understand why you wanted her to see it as a married couple thing lol. better she starts thinking of it as something to do with her hubby than something to do with any ol’ boyfriend
Dr. Michelle Johnson says
Laja,
Lol. My daughter is too funny. I hope it didn’t sound like I was chastising her for saying it was “boyfriend and girlfriend.” That’s just where she is right now. In school, they are starting to play those games. Which is cool, you know? I’m not square. But as you said, I would rather she know it is for husband and wives, than any dude that wants to be her boyfriend.
It was good “talking” with you. LOL.
Smays7 says
This article is right on the money! My son is 5 and he sees my husband and I kiss and hug each morning before we leave. One day we were in a rush and left out the door. My son then then told us, hey you forgot to kiss. This was a special moment. My son watches us and knows what a positive relationship looks like. We married people must work hard to keep our relationships loving and strong. Just that alone will help our children to be more successful in life and love.
Dr. Michelle Johnson says
Yes. Yes. Yes. Our kids will keep us on our toes and hold us accountable. I love it! Thank you for sharing that.
Hardinganc says
Dr. Michelle,
I love this article for many reasons. First, because I love, love and because, I was reading recently that half of first time marriages end in divorce. Half…that is a large number! I think it is very important that our children see what a healthy married relationship looks like.
Your daughter may not understand it all now, but I believe her spirit will hold these sightings. And when her potential partner comes along and the time is right, the spirit will bring it back to remembrance her parents moments.
WONDERFUL!!!! I LOVE IT!!!!!!!
Dr. Michelle Johnson says
Wow. You just spoke something powerful over my daughter. Yes, . . her spirit will hold these things. She won’t have to guess or wonder what real love is. Her spirit will know!!
Sowing into their spirits. . . that’s what we should be doing!
Briana Myricks says
Great article! My parents didn’t really show affection in front of us growing up. They would just joke around, but I never saw them kiss or hug or hold each other. I’m hoping to change that when my husband and I have kids.
kenzie says
Same here Briana!
Dr. Michelle Johnson says
Briana,
A lot of people have the same experience. That sounds like my home. But we can change that! As the other poster said, once we know better, we do better. Your children are already blessed because you are preparing the way for them.
Tamway23 says
I agree with this article PDA’s btw parents (husbands and wives) should expose their children to aspects of love within healthy & positive relationships b/c it prepares them later in life how to love unfortunately so many children have not had that advantage & do not have a clue that this is part of what leads to a successful marriage
Tamway23 says
I agree with this article PDA’s btw parents (husbands and wives) should expose their children to aspects of love within healthy & positive relationships b/c it prepares them later in life how to love unfortunately so many children have not had that advantage & do not have a clue that this is part of what leads to a successful marriage
Dr. Michelle Johnson says
Your point about preparation is right on. We shouldn’t send our kids out into the world without the proper knowledge. What they don’t know just might hurt them. Thanks for sharing.
Dr. Michelle Johnson says
Your point about preparation is right on. We shouldn’t send our kids out into the world without the proper knowledge. What they don’t know just might hurt them. Thanks for sharing.
LaKeisha Rainey-Collins says
Michelle, I absolutely love this. I never experienced this type of affection as a child. Never known my father, never saw my mother in a healthy relationship, was raised by my elderly, single grandmother, and the men in my family were abusers. That made it extremely hard for me when it came to showing or receiving affection. Quite honestly, I sometimes still struggle in that area.
As a wife and mother of three sons now, it is so important to my husband and I that our sons witness appropriate, genuine affection between us. If they see their father gently loving on me, and vice versa, they will be more likely to mimic that same thing in their own relationships. Love, love, love this!
Dr. Michelle Johnson says
What a blessing you are giving your boys. That takes courage for you to work through your issues with affection in order to provide them with a good example. My prayers are with you sis.
Tacuma Johnson says
I’ve set a goal for our daughter (Dr. Michelle and I)–I want to model masculinity and male-female relationships (both friendships and otherwise) in such a way that if she is ever mistreated by a man she will be absolutely shocked. In other words, I hope that nothing in her experience with her Dad makes her think that dishonesty or bullying is OK. It feels like a lofty goal, but I gotta try.
Janice Harris says
Wonderful article, Dr. In my house I get attacked by my boys when daddy hugs and kisses me…they want hugs and kisses too. So daddy backs off and we eye-ball each other in an “I’ll get mine tonight” type of way. (lol). I haven’t always been affectionate with my husband (the way I should) but he is enjoying the new found me. As for my boys (9&3) they love the PDA, they think its absolute fun. My daughter (21) thinks its gross cause we’re old (lmbo) so we do it more. Its all good and I’m glad that there is that type of love shown in my house. That is what makes coming home worth it.
Dr. Michelle Johnson says
I LOVE your last statement: “That is what makes coming home worth it.” So true!! That’s what it is all about isn’t it. What a blessing.
Thanks for sharing.
Stevans63 says
that is why I am SOO excited about the conference on October 22. Singles are so confused and this discussion seems to stay in the realm of marriage and not for singles…write, sister, write…you’d be surprised at the flood gates that you’ll open!
Neria Pulln says
Dr. Johnson, I am curious to hear your thoughts with pda between parents and step parents. My fiance and I have differing views on wether or not pda is appropriate in front of his 4 year old. I feel that my main concern is that this may be confusing for her because I am not her mother, not to even mention because I am not yet her father’s wife. And even after we marry, when does it become appropriate?
Political Pete says
Of course it is appropriate. (assuming no one is talking about anything lewd in front of the child of course). I would say hold off showing too much affection (besides hugging and holding hands) until you are married, or at least engaged for a while. (the lawyer in me knows that the ex-spouse can actually request that you are not present during visitation–if you are unmarried, so tread lightly… although things are good, always prepare for the worst).
Children need to see step-parents that love each other too. It is only an issue if it is done as a competing mechanism for attention or done out of spite. I have a son and he gets along great with his stepmom. IMHO, you have to be sure that you show affection to the child too so it won’t seem that you are in competition for the father’s affection. Don’t forget to do group hugs and show an interest in her life. Kids at that age are actually pretty easy to win over… be sure to give her and her dad their alone time too. Kids are smarter than we think!
Dr. Michelle Johnson says
I echo Political Pete. Right on!
Bravo to you for asking and being concerned for the child.
Rhonda J. Smith says
This was such an on point article, Dr. Michelle. I too often hear parents say they don’t want to show affection in front of their children because they don’t want them to mimic it. I understand making sure you lock your bedroom door for more intense times of affection, but those public displays are necessary. Thank you for detailing why. I know my children would have a fit if my husband and I don’t display affection. When they see us conversing close they sometimes interject, “Kiss, kiss” or “Hug” because they expect that physical affection is about to occur. LOL.
Dr. Michelle Johnson says
Love it Rhonda. You have a cheering section. Family life done right is so beautiful. I know it makes God smile!
Trueluvlives says
Thank you for this article. I talk to people all the time about this. I am a people watcher and it hurts my heart to see the cold way african americans interact with each other. Sitting across the table from one another…….no hugs, laughing, kissing, affection……..from men I read a “disconnect” and from the women my take “cold/controlling/image aware”.
I wonder how many of these little boys/girls get the notion that it’s okay to sleep together but it’s “innappropriate” to laugh, giggle,hug and kiss.
I’ve dated men who I cared for and I was not afraid to show affection for them. I understand not all people are affectionate but I think it’s unhealthy to present this cold existance in the eyes of children. Mommy can pop up pregnant but you never see mom and dad show that they “like/love” each other? Maybe that goes back to if we really love one another or can connect with one another.
Showing affection in front of your children is healthy. It teaches them love is fun, good, and something to be enjoyed and you have less embrace of love is misery/coldness. My 2 cents
Dr. Michelle Johnson says
Thank you so much. What you said is worth more than 2 cents for sure. Coldness is marriage is really unfortunate. I hadn’t thought of that word to describe the disconnect, but you are so right. I really hate to see when a parent is cold to a child. So sad. Thanks for reminding us to be warm and compassionate because we can fall into the trap of being cold and hard at times.
Nitabugg says
This is a great article, Dr. Johnson. My parents were appropriately affectionate in front of us as children. Although my mother died when I was 9, I still remember their hugs and kisses and all the kisses and hugs they bestowed upon us.
On the other hand, I don’t believe my husband had the same experience. Therefore, he’s less likely to show affection in front of the kids until very recently. Now, before anyone leaves the house they give hug/kiss to all who are left behind. It’s something we all look forward to and it makes leaving less tramatic for our toddlers.
On another note, I believe the same should be done for “healthy disagreements”. If you’re not exposed to how to disagree constructively, you’ll see everything as an argument and behave accordingly.
Dr. Michelle Johnson says
That’s so true. It all boils down to seeing healthy examples. On the anniversary of 9/11 I am reminded how short life is. Show affection today because you never know!
I appreciate your comment.
Keitug says
Beautiful Article, can I suggest u change the Ken and Barbie to black ones? Then it starts from the role play…And maybe a black Kente is not so bad we must learn to love ourselves, our naked bodies and not hide what God has given us. See Saddikhaliphotos.com Let’s see ourselves beautiful again…
Dr. Michelle Johnson says
Hello Keitug. Thanks for reading. Actually her Ken and Barbie are black. I don’t buy anything other than that. 🙂
Whitley Brooks says
I truly enjoyed this piece. Children learn about healthy, loving relationships from us. We need to be the blueprint and example. My parents were married for 40 years when my father passed and I cannot remember a time when they were not affectionate and loving.
LaTersa Blakely says
now that’s too cute, because i’m a touchy touchy person and when my kids see us hugging and kissing. they laugh. Or if daddy leaves without giving mommy a kiss, my 3 year old daughter, tells daddy that you forgot to kiss mommy. We try to make sure we keep the lines of communication open for them to feel comfortable talking and asking us questions. Great article
Renotta says
WOW, this is truly awesome. The other night when I came home from work and school, my husband locked me up in a room and told me not to come out. I heard him and my children, who are not biologicially his, running around and whispering. My husband then came into the room and put his hands over my eyes and walked me into another room. When I opened my eyes he had a candle light dinner for two. My children were standing there as if they were the waiter/waitress. I shared this because I am blessed to have a husband who does not have any children, and takes them and lets them participate in the romantic things he does for me. They are experiencing the opportunity of seeing a black man treat their mother like a queen.
ImInLove says
My wife and I have been married 25 years and have always been affectionate with each other in front of our children. Love is a very important part of a relationship and our children need to see it as often as possible. While it was not the theme and would not have been appropriate, they also need to see us fight and have disagreements. That is an important part of any relationship as well. Hopefully the fight was “fair” and the child sees how things can be worked out in the end. Thanks for the article and it is amazing to me how easily you made your point in your article. Things don’t always need to be overdone for people to understand.
Reij413 says
I love this article. My fiance and myself just had this discussion not too long ago. I have two boys 7 and 9 that we want to learn what a healthy relationship looks like. Neither one of us grew up in a home witnessing proper displays of affection. Now that we know better, we plan to do better. We want to set the tone for our children to have succesful relationships.
Bejo579 says
I was witnessed that while growing up in our home, the 3 of us girls would giggle or say “ill” whenever we would see them hugging or kissing but in actuality we loved it. Unlike most of our African-American schoolmates, our parents were married..to each other no less! My father would leave my mother love letters and call her throughout the day, just to speak to hear and tell her he loved her (he still does!!). I’m married and long for a the day that my own children we see more PDA from us. I desire to show them what love is so that they won’t be persuaded by negative outside forces on what love should look like!
Kristen says
I love this article. Janice hit the nail on the head. Every time my husband and I hug for too long, here comes the youngest squeezing his way in. My husband always jokes with him by saying, “boy, thats how you got here!†😀 It does become a group family hug. The oldest then gets jealous and there we all are, hugging and laughing. I did not get a lot of physical affection from my parents growing up and that is one change that has occurred for my children. I often tell them I love them, another thing that was demonstrated, but not spoken. Often times, I have to make my husband stop and not just give the peck on the lips, but learn to linger for moments and steal time, if for just a brief second. You can tell the difference. We connect. We slow down, and we breathe. Theres enough around marriages to stretch them apart. MAKE time to stay together. We owe that to our children……..