By Eric Payne
Last week I wrote about Making Enemies Out of Friends With Your Words. The intent of this article was to warn and/or remind people to be careful of how they speak while venting in anger/emotional distress and who they speak to. I asserted that in speaking negatively of the one you love you may inadvertently turn a friend into an enemy of your relationship. To illustrate my point I chose an example from my own life — a failed friendship I helped to ruin by doing the very thing I just described. The example was anonymous and in this writer’s opinion, the who or what of any specific details relating to this incident were irrelevant to anyone reading. But everyone reading was not of this opinion. One commenter in particular made their feelings loud and clear.
To the casual observer, male and female alike, my initial heated exchange with this commenter may have appeared to be a bit catty (admittedly, it initially felt catty to me). Sadly, it was something you might expect from two women. But it quickly evolved into an unexpected and unfiltered emotional presentation put on by two men as I am convinced this individual was the former friend I referenced in the article or at least someone extremely close to the both of us. And for a moment my “sensitive side” was on display for all to see. That’s right, sensitive.
Men may be from Mars, but we have feelings too.
Despite the widely heralded opinion of women that men want to be tough guys, many men do so out of a sense of necessity. It would appear very little appears matter to us except the big stuff and even then we put up a strong front for the sake of those who depend on us. We have no method or process to sort out our issues without appearing weak or out of control. Other than maybe a church’s men’s group most men won’t encounter a willing group of guys saying, “C’mon, homie! You can let it all out. We love you!” Not that they’d seek out such a group in the first place. Instead we go by ourselves to gyms, go for runs or take long drives to “clear our heads.” We’ll drown our sorrows in our beers. We let time pass hoping the anguish goes away and in the meantime we pretend we don’t care. But we do.
Unfortunately men have been conditioned for many years by the entertainment industry, our fathers, other men we may look up to, our mothers and many other women we encounter or overhear. In the back of our minds we believe that the second we become “human” and show even the slightest sensitivity about anything, our women will begin to wonder if we are weak. Women want tall (a.k.a. tough), dark and handsome. Not short, average, regular, occasionally fragile, not always sure, a little sad from time to time and often stressed out.
Societal Pressure, Peer Pressure, Personal Pressure
Only in the most gruesome war movies does it seem acceptable for men to come apart at the seams. It sends the message that men can only let down their guard when drowning in absolute death and destruction. Otherwise we need to be cool, collected and calm under fire and if not calm, at the very least, in control at all times. So we remain “tough”, our wounds don’t heal and we withdraw. Our troubles remain bottled up and tucked away until we have an untimely meltdown — at work, at home, in front of the kids, at Thanksgiving, or worst of all, alone.
Wives, the next time your man is being difficult or seems to be doing everything in his power to get put out of the bedroom for the night, take a deep breath, walk up to him and give him a hug. Consider the possibility that he might be going through a rough time, one that has nothing to do with you. A judgment-free hug may be just the thing he needs. A hug is free so it won’t cost you a thing. But it just may purchase a chance for you to touch the heart of a man — your man.
Women, do you want a sensitive man, but don’t want a sensitive man? Men, have you opened up to your lady only to have her come down on you for opening up? Have you ever tried to openly discuss this dynamic?
Author of the now infamous, My Wife Is NOT My Friend (on Facebook), Eric talks about being a father and a husband on his blog, Makes Me Wanna Holler ““ Man, Dad, Husband. You can follow him on Twitter or find him chopping it up on his Facebook Page. He is the author the soon to be published, Bottom Line Fatherhood, and of I See Through Eyes, a book of poetry and short stories. In his “spare time” Eric reviews autos and writes relationship articles for Atlanta-based J’Adore Magazine.