By Eric Payne
Last week I wrote about Making Enemies Out of Friends With Your Words. The intent of this article was to warn and/or remind people to be careful of how they speak while venting in anger/emotional distress and who they speak to. I asserted that in speaking negatively of the one you love you may inadvertently turn a friend into an enemy of your relationship. To illustrate my point I chose an example from my own life — a failed friendship I helped to ruin by doing the very thing I just described. The example was anonymous and in this writer’s opinion, the who or what of any specific details relating to this incident were irrelevant to anyone reading. But everyone reading was not of this opinion. One commenter in particular made their feelings loud and clear.
To the casual observer, male and female alike, my initial heated exchange with this commenter may have appeared to be a bit catty (admittedly, it initially felt catty to me). Sadly, it was something you might expect from two women. But it quickly evolved into an unexpected and unfiltered emotional presentation put on by two men as I am convinced this individual was the former friend I referenced in the article or at least someone extremely close to the both of us. And for a moment my “sensitive side” was on display for all to see. That’s right, sensitive.
Men may be from Mars, but we have feelings too.
Despite the widely heralded opinion of women that men want to be tough guys, many men do so out of a sense of necessity. It would appear very little appears matter to us except the big stuff and even then we put up a strong front for the sake of those who depend on us. We have no method or process to sort out our issues without appearing weak or out of control. Other than maybe a church’s men’s group most men won’t encounter a willing group of guys saying, “C’mon, homie! You can let it all out. We love you!” Not that they’d seek out such a group in the first place. Instead we go by ourselves to gyms, go for runs or take long drives to “clear our heads.” We’ll drown our sorrows in our beers. We let time pass hoping the anguish goes away and in the meantime we pretend we don’t care. But we do.
Unfortunately men have been conditioned for many years by the entertainment industry, our fathers, other men we may look up to, our mothers and many other women we encounter or overhear. In the back of our minds we believe that the second we become “human” and show even the slightest sensitivity about anything, our women will begin to wonder if we are weak. Women want tall (a.k.a. tough), dark and handsome. Not short, average, regular, occasionally fragile, not always sure, a little sad from time to time and often stressed out.
Societal Pressure, Peer Pressure, Personal Pressure
Only in the most gruesome war movies does it seem acceptable for men to come apart at the seams. It sends the message that men can only let down their guard when drowning in absolute death and destruction. Otherwise we need to be cool, collected and calm under fire and if not calm, at the very least, in control at all times. So we remain “tough”, our wounds don’t heal and we withdraw. Our troubles remain bottled up and tucked away until we have an untimely meltdown — at work, at home, in front of the kids, at Thanksgiving, or worst of all, alone.
Wives, the next time your man is being difficult or seems to be doing everything in his power to get put out of the bedroom for the night, take a deep breath, walk up to him and give him a hug. Consider the possibility that he might be going through a rough time, one that has nothing to do with you. A judgment-free hug may be just the thing he needs. A hug is free so it won’t cost you a thing. But it just may purchase a chance for you to touch the heart of a man — your man.
Women, do you want a sensitive man, but don’t want a sensitive man? Men, have you opened up to your lady only to have her come down on you for opening up? Have you ever tried to openly discuss this dynamic?
Author of the now infamous, My Wife Is NOT My Friend (on Facebook), Eric talks about being a father and a husband on his blog, Makes Me Wanna Holler ““ Man, Dad, Husband. You can follow him on Twitter or find him chopping it up on his Facebook Page. He is the author the soon to be published, Bottom Line Fatherhood, and of I See Through Eyes, a book of poetry and short stories. In his “spare time” Eric reviews autos and writes relationship articles for Atlanta-based J’Adore Magazine.
Tesha says
Wow, this one is a little rough. It’s a hard thing to admit to within yourself, let alone to others. At first, my man was calm, cool & in control at all times. Then life threw him, us, a few curveballs and it seemed as though whatever confidence he had ultimately disappeared. This was a hard one for me to deal with because now it seemed he needed me to be the strong one, he needed me to lean on & I wasnt sure I could handle (or even wanted to handle) this role reversal. He was always a sensitive man & that was great but this sensitivity gave way to someone (it seemed to me) fragile and vulnerable. Immediately I started crave the man he once was. I just felt/feel like I’m underqualified. I feel completely inept. I would never come down on my man for opening up because its a very brave thing to do, and he’s actually better at it then I am. My “problem” is that I immediately go into SAVE mode, I need to DO something to FIX it. I think this aspect of myself is cool when it comes to female friends, yet when it comes to a man, or more specifically YOUR MAN, what do you do? I can hug him all day long, I just wonder if thats enough. I hate to see anyone struggling or in pain. A weird spot to be in, I feel.
EPayne says
I feel your pain and a hug is no cure for anything just an opportunity to connect when connection seems very far off. As someone who has lived through something similar I can only suggest prayer (for the both of you) for strength, wisdom, calm/patience and peace. As much as this is/was his test it may be yours also. You have to ask yourself how you will feel after the smoke clears (and it always does clear) about this time right now, did you handle it as best as YOU KNOW you possibly could or not? And maybe just maybe it’s not for you to fix, because if what you’re trying to do doesn’t work then you’ll just get frustrated and I can only speculate that that will make matters worse. Rather than fix the problem maybe engage the man — go out on a special date but don’t talk about anything relating to the issue, etc. love him in spite of him, as hard as it may be. I don’t have your answer but if you try these things maybe an answer will come to you, especially if you employ faith to the formula.
HarrietH says
I love the point about giving a hug at a moment when I should be busting the windows out of his car. My husband always tells me that he has no guards up when it comes to my words, but in the heat of the moment, I don’t care how vulnerable he is. If he’s pissing me off, I’m making it known.
After reading this, I have a much better understanding of how I SHOULD be responding. It might not happen overnight, but it needs to happen pronto. This was some valuable insight, E. Payne. Thanks!
Browni673 says
Love this article. My husband is the definition of “tought guy” and “nothing” bothers him. I’ll be alright is always his response.
I know he cares about whatever issue is bothering him but he refuses to admit. I hug him and say it will be okay. I never think of him as being weak b/c he has a sensitive side. I wish he would discuss it but he chooses not to..sometimes I leave him alone, sometimes I try to get him to talk or somtimes I will try to do something special to help ease his mind.
Anna says
A Daddy treats his daughter like a Princess. He has Tea Parties w/her, plays Barbie Play House w/her. A little girl gets her first dance while standing on her Dadddy”s shoes. A Daddy goes to Open House, Parent Teacher Conference and PTA meetings. The Princess has never seen her Daddy cry. When she gets married and her husband cries, she was not well equipted for what she thinks is a weak man. Real men do cry in front of their kids. If you try hard too hide an emotion you are really doing your kids a “disservice”. I remember the first time I saw my dad cry. It made him “more real” to me. He was still my Dad, it showed me that he had feelings/emotions, and then I realized even more how much love he had.
EPayne says
I said on the couch. You said, busting the windows out of his car… You’re funny, Soldier Lady.
LLC says
I love this article! Sometimes….I understand whats best but sometimes in the heat of my own emotions .. I forget…It’s great to have reminders 🙂
Reggie Williams says
Phenomenal post Eric. You said it all. I hope sisters do indeed understand the insight that you have provided, and I trust that brothers will crawl from under the rock of “I’m a’ight;” b/c we ain’t. We died of diseases that we shouldn’t because we rather be alright than go to a doctor. We rather cried in the dark than have a “courageous conversation and loving confrontation.” Even if your wife fails to hear you you’re not holding in the toxic garbage that severely shortens our life expectancy.
http://www.ruleyourwife316.com
Reggie Williams says
Phenomenal post Eric. You said it all. I hope sisters do indeed understand the insight that you have provided, and I trust that brothers will crawl from under the rock of “I’m a’ight;” b/c we ain’t. We died of diseases that we shouldn’t because we rather be alright than go to a doctor. We rather cried in the dark than have a “courageous conversation and loving confrontation.” Even if your wife fails to hear you you’re not holding in the toxic garbage that severely shortens our life expectancy.
http://www.ruleyourwife316.com