This past week as I watched an episode of the TV show “The Game,” I had a truly random thought. As the actor Pooch Hall, who plays Derwin on the show, graced the screen I almost blurted out, “Damn, he’s fine.” In that same instance, I quickly came to my senses and realized how inappropriate that would have been to say out loud. Although my husband wasn’t present as I watched the show, I knew just the simple thought was probably unacceptable for a married woman.
While it’s natural to notice another attractive person, it’s how we respond and react that makes the difference. I once knew a couple where the husband was quick to observe beautiful women with not only a long glance, but also with a few sound effects. Words like “Mmm hmmm” often rolled off his tongue. The wife in this partnership found it amusing and was quite aware of what she got when she married him. This particular husband never held back and according to the wife never meant any harm with his observation of the attractive. So it never bothered her. For me, there is a line that shouldn’t be crossed in this area. Now, I know my husband doesn’t mind (nor have control over) if I happen to find another man handsome, as I wouldn’t mind (nor have control over) him noticing a beautiful woman. However, my husband and I make it a practice not to go too far where it leads to being downright disrespectful. So staring, sound effects or outburst of “Damn, he or she is fine” just don’t occur in my relationship.
I recognize this varies depending on the couple. Often when I discuss this with others, I hear people justify this behavior by quickly saying “We’re married, not dead.” I somewhat agree with this, because as I mentioned above, it is natural.
This very topic led me to a few questions for the couples of BMWK. I’m wondering how others handle this situation.
1. What is considered acceptable in your marriage when you spot an attractive person while with your spouse?
a. A look or a quick turning of the head, as long as it’s quick
b. Sound effects like “Ooh wee” or “Mmm hmm”
c. Outburst like “Damn he’s fine” or “Damn she’s fine”
d. Statements like “Now she is a very attractive woman” or “He is a handsome man”
e. None of the above (input own answer)
2. In your marriage, what are the beliefs when it comes to this topic?
a. My spouse and I are always completely honest with one another no matter what
b. It is an unspoken rule to keep those type of thoughts to yourself
c. I am comfortable with my spouse in this area; I know he/she isn’t going anywhere
d. We are both very conservative and neither of us ever feel any sort of comment about another person is acceptable
e. None of the above (input own answer)
3. Does it matter who the other person is your spouse finds attractive?
a. If it’s a celebrity, we don’t mind. That’s just a fantasy
b. It can’t be Stacy or Stanley from next door who we know and see regularly
c. It doesn’t matter, again I trust my spouse
d. Whoever it is, my spouse better not let me know
e. None of the above (input own answer)
Thanks for playing along. Of course, we’re married and not dead and we have eyes, so why not look. I get all of those points, but my bottom line is respect. I would never want to hurt my spouse by being disrespectful or making him feel insecure. My mission in my marriage is to always make him feel good, and if my pointing out every other attractive man I see doesn’t fit into that mission, I won’t do it.
BMWK, please share your thoughts.