This past week as I watched an episode of the TV show “The Game,” I had a truly random thought. As the actor Pooch Hall, who plays Derwin on the show, graced the screen I almost blurted out, “Damn, he’s fine.” In that same instance, I quickly came to my senses and realized how inappropriate that would have been to say out loud. Although my husband wasn’t present as I watched the show, I knew just the simple thought was probably unacceptable for a married woman.
While it’s natural to notice another attractive person, it’s how we respond and react that makes the difference. I once knew a couple where the husband was quick to observe beautiful women with not only a long glance, but also with a few sound effects. Words like “Mmm hmmm” often rolled off his tongue. The wife in this partnership found it amusing and was quite aware of what she got when she married him. This particular husband never held back and according to the wife never meant any harm with his observation of the attractive. So it never bothered her. For me, there is a line that shouldn’t be crossed in this area. Now, I know my husband doesn’t mind (nor have control over) if I happen to find another man handsome, as I wouldn’t mind (nor have control over) him noticing a beautiful woman. However, my husband and I make it a practice not to go too far where it leads to being downright disrespectful. So staring, sound effects or outburst of “Damn, he or she is fine” just don’t occur in my relationship.
I recognize this varies depending on the couple. Often when I discuss this with others, I hear people justify this behavior by quickly saying “We’re married, not dead.” I somewhat agree with this, because as I mentioned above, it is natural.
This very topic led me to a few questions for the couples of BMWK. I’m wondering how others handle this situation.
1. What is considered acceptable in your marriage when you spot an attractive person while with your spouse?
a. A look or a quick turning of the head, as long as it’s quick
b. Sound effects like “Ooh wee” or “Mmm hmm”
c. Outburst like “Damn he’s fine” or “Damn she’s fine”
d. Statements like “Now she is a very attractive woman” or “He is a handsome man”
e. None of the above (input own answer)
2. In your marriage, what are the beliefs when it comes to this topic?
a. My spouse and I are always completely honest with one another no matter what
b. It is an unspoken rule to keep those type of thoughts to yourself
c. I am comfortable with my spouse in this area; I know he/she isn’t going anywhere
d. We are both very conservative and neither of us ever feel any sort of comment about another person is acceptable
e. None of the above (input own answer)
3. Does it matter who the other person is your spouse finds attractive?
a. If it’s a celebrity, we don’t mind. That’s just a fantasy
b. It can’t be Stacy or Stanley from next door who we know and see regularly
c. It doesn’t matter, again I trust my spouse
d. Whoever it is, my spouse better not let me know
e. None of the above (input own answer)
Thanks for playing along. Of course, we’re married and not dead and we have eyes, so why not look. I get all of those points, but my bottom line is respect. I would never want to hurt my spouse by being disrespectful or making him feel insecure. My mission in my marriage is to always make him feel good, and if my pointing out every other attractive man I see doesn’t fit into that mission, I won’t do it.
BMWK, please share your thoughts.
Roni Idom says
Interesting post. I will admit, in our earlier days, my husband (then boyfriend) was really insecure. He had been in relationship with girls who said things to him like “looks arent everything” and other demeaning things of that nature… He had a very highen nature when it came to me expressing how I felt about other guys. So announcing “he fine” is not something that has ever happened… Nor will it ever happen. It’s just not appropriate. Now that we’re older and more rooted I guess I still have Blinders on. I mean I see guys and go, ehh… My husband looks better… Lol. Now of course everyone wont agree with that, but hey, it’s my opinion. We dont comment on the opposite sexes physical… There’s jus no need. And like you said “My mission in my marriage is to always make him feel good, and if my pointing out every other attractive man I see doesnt fit into that mission, I wont do it.” I completely agree!
mochazina says
1) D. We recognize that God’s creations are beautiful, as well as the intellect of some to present their person in an attractive manner. It also opens the door to discuss styles and trends that we like so that we will have tips on how to better appeal to each other.
2) A. Honesty breeds trust. If our expressions of admiration cross the line, then we are honest with each other about how that affects us. But to completely deny their existence is dishonest and leaves dark shadows for evil to breed. We have to be free to be ourselves in our marriage, while understanding that the goal is to build a healthy union, and healthy unions cannot consist of lies and deceit.
3) C. Again, honesty is the key. If we know the other has a crush (real or celebrity) we know how to best hold them accountable. Not to bash each other over the head, or turn into green-eyed monsters, but to simply communicate and allow us space to be human, but to also choose to love each other and honor our marriage. Truth is, that time will allow crushes to fizzle, so there’s no need to hide, and usually simply speaking on the topic takes half of the appeal from it, so it’s less tempting.
mochazina says
1) D. We recognize that God’s creations are beautiful, as well as the intellect of some to present their person in an attractive manner. It also opens the door to discuss styles and trends that we like so that we will have tips on how to better appeal to each other.
2) A. Honesty breeds trust. If our expressions of admiration cross the line, then we are honest with each other about how that affects us. But to completely deny their existence is dishonest and leaves dark shadows for evil to breed. We have to be free to be ourselves in our marriage, while understanding that the goal is to build a healthy union, and healthy unions cannot consist of lies and deceit.
3) C. Again, honesty is the key. If we know the other has a crush (real or celebrity) we know how to best hold them accountable. Not to bash each other over the head, or turn into green-eyed monsters, but to simply communicate and allow us space to be human, but to also choose to love each other and honor our marriage. Truth is, that time will always allow crushes to fizzle, so there’s no need to hide, and usually simply speaking on the topic takes half of the appeal from it, so it’s less tempting.
All that said, we’re not going around boasting of every nice looking person we’ve come across everyday. As noted, that often breeds a certain distrust. We spend the majority of our time focused on each other. But if someone just happens to catch our eyes, we acknowledge it and move on.
Crystal Blissfully-Married Fow says
I like this article, I truly believe one, you have to be secure in your relationship. Two, confidence in you own beauty and self worth, and three, please remember you are human!! Marriage is a social tradition, not a natural human instinct, but mating is! We choose to get married, but our animal instinct to mate with the opposite sex is a natural feeling as we know what we find attractive and alluring. Be careful of your actions as they can bring about the very thoughts in your mind to reality (thoughts, words, actions) monitor your impluses and disicpline yourself in behavior in regards to such matters. Our intellect and ability to rationalize as human is what separates us over other animals in the kingdom and that is what makes us different. We dont have to act on impulse. I love my husband and though I may notice “A fine man”…what I have invested in marriage…LOVE, RESPONISBILITY, SECURITY, SAFETY, and ADMIRATION is what keeps us from going too far.
Sadie, Sadie married lady says
great article and topic! My husband and I acknowledge when we see somebody that we find attractive. We even will joke about it with each other. (Comments about celebrities – “Your celebrity fantasy is on”) I find it harmless. We tend not to say it about people we know. Although I know which of my friends my husband finds attractive and I’m sure he does for me also. As long as you know the difference between fantasy and reality and stay committed and invested in your marriage, I think it is o.k. to acknowledge another’s beauty.