Good afternoon Dr. Buckingham,
I have a relationship question to ask you. I am a 34 yr. old single, African American female. I have a master’s degree in public administration and work in the public sector. I have done fairly well career-wise, but regarding relationships, I have struggled quite a bit. Due to financial issues, and trying to save to purchase a home, I have been living with my mom since I graduated from grad school a few years ago. My mom and I have a good relationship, but she can be rather controlling at times and very overprotective, as she has been most of my life, probably because she was a single parent. I never knew my dad and was raised by my mom, with help from my grandmother and aunt as well.
My mom isn’t the most loving or affectionate person in the world and I believe that a lot of that has rubbed off on me as well. Throughout my life, it has always been hard for me to really connect with people in general, which made it hard for me to make friends throughout school and college. Even as an adult, I don’t have many friends, at least, not really close friendships like I would like to have.
My dating life is even worse, I haven’t been on an actual date in many years and I feel like men just pass me by, and so I don’t really take the initiative to approach them. I would imagine that not having my father around when I was growing up probably hasn’t made the situation any easier, and has resulted in me not having the best self-esteem, even today. I was wondering what steps you feel I could take to start moving in the right direction, not just in terms of dating, but developing more healthy relationships as a whole. What Steps Can a Single Woman Take to Develop Healthy Relationships?
Thanks, Single & Questioning
Dear Single & Questioning,
Your story and struggle is familiar to many African Americans, including mine. In order to begin the process of developing healthy relationships, you should consider taking the following five steps: 1) Explore your childhood experiences and/or family observations to better understand what you believe to be a healthy relationship; 2) Examine previous relationship experiences; 3) Pay attention to societal perceptions about was constitutes a healthy relationship; 4) Establish a relationship with God and 5) Apply the Golden Rule.
1. Explore Your Child Experiences and/or Family Observations. We are all by-products of our total life experiences, including childhood experiences. Too often, children are taught directly or indirectly about the nature of relationships. Through direct involvement or observation we learn certain skills and habits, including how to interact with and express love toward others. Regardless of the method, we initially develop love styles from our family members. Most individuals would like to think they love the way they do based on personal experiences alone, but this is not true. We have all been impacted by family experiences in some form or fashion.
Children who grew up in households where love was expressed freely and without hesitation are likely to become adults who express love freely and without hesitation. The process of learning how to develop, give and receive love, is strongly influenced by the adults in a child’s life. For example, if a child witnessed his or her parent express love when he or she was pleased or happy, the child may have learned that love is shared only under pleasant conditions or circumstances. On the other hand, if a child witnessed his or her parent express love when he or she was dissatisfied or unhappy, the child may have learned that love is shared regardless of conditions or circumstances.
2) Examine previous relationship experiences. Childhood experience may strongly influence your love style, but does not solely determine it. Through relationships with others as adults, the love style we developed in childhood can be sustained or altered. Positive and healthy past relationships contribute to an individual’s willingness to express love unconditionally and without fear. However, negative and unhealthy past relationship can contribute to an individual’s unwillingness to express love unconditionally.
Past failed relationships may have long-term negative effects on individuals if they lack healthy coping skills. A damaged heart and loss of trust is difficult to repair. Some individuals learn and grow in a manner from failed relationships; while others become victims who allow pain and suffering to destroy their desire to give and receive unconditional love. Seeking to understand an individual’s previous relationship experiences can offer useful information in regards to understanding his or her love style.
3) Pay attention to Societal Perceptions. Societal perceptions regarding how women and men should love also contribute to the development of love styles. Women are perceived to be sensitive individuals who are expected to sacrifice their happiness to please others. In contrast, men are perceived to be sensitively challenged individuals who are expected to put their needs before others. Throughout history, both women and men have accepted these perceptions as fact. It is unfortunate that such perceptions penetrate to the core of our society. Childrearing and adult relationships are influenced by these societal views. The ability to develop healthy relationships requires an understanding of societal perceptions. Explore your ideas about what constitutes a healthy relationship and compare them to societal perceptions.
4) Establish a relationship with God. God will bless you with knowledge and wisdom that will enhance your understanding of how to bond and connect with others. Giving is a great way to develop faithful and healthy relationship. God gave his only begotten son, so that you can have a second chance at life and love. Redemption was granted not by your doing, but by the compassion and grace of God. Study the Word and follow God’s example.
5) Apply the Gold Rule. Treat others as you would like to be treated. If you desire to be loved and treated a certain way, strive to treat others the way you expect to be treated. You may struggle to relate to others at times, but put yourself in their shoes and respond to them in the same manner you would want or expect them to respond to you. This will definitely help you develop healthy relationships. People like to know that you have their best interest at hand.
Apply the five steps outlined above and you will be on your way to developing healthy relationships. Also, I recommend that you seek professional counseling. We were created to interact with, love and connect with each other. Despite the personal challenges we might face, in regards to developing relationships, we must not forget that anything worth having, is worth working for. Good luck in with your relationship endeavors.
Best regards,
Dr. Buckingham
If you have questions for Dr. Dwayne Buckingham regarding relationships (married, single, etc), parenting, or personal growth and development, please send an email to askdrbuckingham@gmail.com
Disclaimer: The ideas, opinions and recommendations contained in this post are not intended as a substitute for seeking professional counseling or guidance. Any concerns or questions that you have about relationships or any other source of potential distress should be discussed with a professional, in person. The author is not liable or responsible for any personal or relational distress, loss or damage allegedly arising from any information or recommendations in this post.