by Eric Payne
Near the end of 2010 I launched the guest blogger series, What A Single Woman Wants, as an opportunity to share with us, the married set, what people on the front lines of romance are seeking. I also wanted it to be a reminder to men who might be in a stagnant place in their relationships of what led the women in their lives to them in the first place. The views expressed by the six writers were as varied as their geographical locations. But when all six were combined a clear-cut profile of a man to be desired emerged. It became a blueprint of what to want not only for women, but men too. Ladies and gentlemen, please get your pens and notepads ready.
1. TO BE PREPARED FOR THE ONE
Diamonte states…
“Chivalry is alive and well. It’s just in all the men that women do not want.” [as told to her by a man behind the register at McDonald’s.]
I was speechless. His statement was both a prophetic and descriptive analysis of my life at that point in time and even up until very recently. I had to admit to myself, several men had crossed my path and embodied many of attributes we as women say we want. These men were honest, thoughtful, romantic, unselfish, successful, committed, understanding, communicative, well adjusted and spiritual. While I wanted those qualities, I did not particularly want it from those men…
When someone asks me what I want, I am wise enough to admit that I do not know what I want. It has become clear that this journey is less about what I want and more about how I plan to be a person of sound enough character to handle it once it manifests.
2. CONFIDENCE
Brooke states….
What draws me to a man like a moth to a flame is confidence. No, I don’t mean arrogance or cockiness. It’s not something that can be learned or faked. He either has it or he doesn’t. And I don’t just mean in the workplace, or in the bedroom or on the court. A man with true confidence displays it in all aspects of his life, even if not on a constant basis. In most cases, it needs to be generally present in the face of life’s challenges.
3. COMPANIONSHIP & CAMARADERIE
Wynella states…
Most days, I want nothing more than someone to greet me either when I get home from work or come in the door after me and wrap his arms around my waist while I change out of my work clothes. At other times I long for someone for whom I can prepare a great meal because I love to cook. (I want a man that I can fatten up so that no one else will want him. hah-hah). I would also like someone to do boy things with my boys. It’s a given that if you want to be with me you have to want to be with my boys. After all, if you want the cat you have to take the kittens too. At other times while the boys are in bed I want him to be the person with whom I can watch silly flicks or foreign films while cuddling on the couch.
4. UNCONDITIONAL SUPPORT A.K.A. THE ONE-MAN PEP BAND
Veronica states…
We all have our esoteric interests. So it’s not loving [my interests] that’s important to me; it’s knowing that [he knows] I love it and honoring that fact. The boyfriend couldn’t tell me the difference between a plié and a jeté, but that lack of knowledge didn’t hold a candle to what he gave me. And in those moments of self-doubt and anxiety, that support is crucial. It could be the difference between a great audition, or falling flat on the floor.
When a woman has a one-man pep band playing for her, she feels like she can take on the world — and whether she wins or not, she gets to come home to someone who’s still cheering, regardless.
5. TO BE THE ONE YOU DREAMED OF
RaN’ae states…
What we really want is the opportunity to be everything to you as well. We want to be your lover, your best friend, your motivator, your #1 cheerleader, your hot chick that makes your friends jealous and your voice of reason. Most of all we want someone that wants and needs all of this from us. We want our man to appreciate and believe when we say, “Baby, you got this, because I got you!”
6. TO LOVE & BE LOVED
Calandra states…
What single women want varies especially when we get down to specifics and type and all that good stuff but I believe at the core we are all looking for unconditional love in the mate that we are asking for and that love must first start from within. Once we are loving ourselves and operating through love, not fear, anything is possible.
All of the above is wonderful. But honestly, who cares what these women want? Who cares what any of us, men or women alike, want?
For Both Women And Men, Wanting Isn’t Enough
Years ago during an intense moment while dating my wife I frankly stated, “Maybe if you started acting like a wife, you’d get the results you think you’re supposed to be getting from me.” This very basic and potent message was lost in the fire of the moment, but the fact remains, you get what you want by becoming a reflection of it yourself. Despite their talents, which athlete has ever become a champion by merely wishing he or she were one? Did Barack Obama merely wish it upon himself to become President of the United States or did he craft himself, acquiring experience and credentials at every turn, until he became “presidential” long before the first vote was ever cast? Wanting is not a prerequisite for receiving. Without action, wants exist only as hot air.
Please understand, wants are not only great but they are absolutely necessary. But they cannot stand alone. When it comes to accomplishing anything 20% is desire. 30% is dedication to that desire/dream. The other 150% is discipline — to achieve and then maintain the dream. Desire is the spark that ignites the flame, but it can’t keep the fire burning when:
- the winds of change come to blow it out
- unexpected winters catch you off guard wearing shorts instead of pants
- or, when other people knowingly or not, sabotage you
Like faith, wants and desires without action are pointless. It simply isn’t enough to want a good man or woman. And it’s just silly to still want one after becoming embittered and distrusting due to bad experiences that may come no matter how bad you hope, wish and pray for Mister or Miss Right. Unfortunately life isn’t fair. But as I’ve stated here in previous articles, bad experiences can be teachable moments for good versus reason to trust or love with one foot out the door.
It doesn’t matter whether you are a man or a woman. You have to become that which you desire and you will in turn attract who you are. But don’t want a bed of roses when you’re presently rolling around in weeds. Both men and women need to stop taking the easy road. Get unstuck from revolving your entire existences around what women or men aren’t doing right (even if they aren’t) and start working on yourself. At the end of the day your only real problem when it comes to relationships (barring abusive and destructive people) is you.
Do you have what it takes to do more than want? Do you have the courage to be alone if the people approaching you don’t meet with your standards and principles? Do you have the discipline to shape and mold yourself to attract then maintain all that you desire in a/your mate, in your children, amongst your friendships and in your community?
Eric is the author of the eBook, Love Notes, and the now infamous, My Wife Is NOT My Friend (on Facebook). He keeps it honest about being a man, dad and husband on his blog, Makes Me Wanna Holler.com and at the Makes Me Wanna Holler.com Facebook Experience. In his “spare time” Eric reviews autos, tech products and writes relationship articles for Atlanta-based J’Adore Magazine.