It seems that no matter how long you have been married, talking about each other’s family is still a tricky situation that should be handled delicately. And, should never be done while you are arguing. Rabbi Shmuley, a relationship expert that was often seen on the Oprah Show, says one way to fight fairly is to never bring your spouses family into an argument.
“Marriage is not about winning arguments it’s about winning the relationship…,” “When couples fight dirty, they end up prolonging their pain and creating lasting wounds and rifts, he says. But when couples fight fairly, they actually build more understanding and intimacy.”
Rabbi Shmuley provides Eight Rules of Fighting Fairly:
- Never use name-calling, slurs or insults. Also, don’t make fun of your partner’s body, weight or other things over which they have no control.
- Never refer to the person as being a certain way, rather just refer to their behavior as being a certain way. “Never criticize character—criticize behavior,” Rabbi Shmuley says.
- Never bring your spouse’s family into an argument. This will only make your partner more defensive and less willing to hear your perspective, he says.
- Do not speak in anger. Control your behavior and calm down before you say anything you may later regret.
- Don’t cut each other off. Wait until your partner finishes, then state your point of view.
- Don’t yell. Shouting and screaming is especially harmful for children to witness. “There’s never an excuse for yelling,” Rabbi Shmuley says.
- Don’t go to sleep without resolving an argument. The longer an argument is drawn out, the harder it becomes to end it. It’s better to stay up all night and resolve your differences than to go to bed upset, Rabbi Shmuley says.
- Apologize. If you hurt your spouse, you must apologize. Remember, marriage isn’t about proving who’s right and who’s wrong—it’s about having a strong, loving relationship.
You have probably heard most of those eight rules before, but it never hurts to have a refresher course on how to treat each other. I agree with the Rabbi when he says fighting fairly can lead to more understanding and intimacy as I have seen it work in my own marriage. Don’t get me wrong…every now and then we are guilty of fighting dirty with each other. (And don’t worry Mom and Mom-in-law…we have not resorted to talking about each other’s mother.. at least not yet 🙂 …just kidding. ) It gives you a good feeling when you see that your partner is consciously trying to “fight fairly.” It’s like you have more respect and appreciation for each other. It does bring you closer together.
BMWK Family – can you provide additional tips on fighting fairly? Can your spouse talk about your family without starting an argument or is your family still off limits?