By Tiya Cunningham-Sumter
My friend asked the question “are single mothers raising their daughters to be single?” She said that question was brought up in the beauty shop (you know we talk about any and everything at the shop). She surprisingly had to admit that she thought she just might be, but not intentionally of course. My friend recalled walking around her house being proud of how she was handling things on her own and what a great job she did raising her children. Those statements, she began to think, may be causing her girls to think they don’t need husbands. They may begin to look at that great job that mom did and say if she could do it solo, so could I. But my friend of course wants her girls to have the best of everything in their future and to her that includes a good husband.
If some single mothers are subconsciously raising girls to be single and independent (in terms of relationships), how are married mothers raising their girls? When that thought came to me, I had to do a quick self-check. I don’t just want to raise them to be married; I want to raise them to be happily married. In order for that to happen there are certain things they need to see in our home, including:
- Prayer and a marriage built on a spiritual foundation.
- A mutual respect; which is shown in how we speak to one another. We never raise our voices to get our points across.
- A true consideration of each other. It is important for my girls to see me tending to my husband’s needs and vice versa.
- A man who knows how to treat a woman. Opening car doors, allowing the woman to walk in first and helping the lady take a step out of the car are small things that both girls and boys should see often.
- Public displays of affection. They need to see mommy and daddy hug, share a kiss and hold hands.
- A true partnership. It is very important that children see mommy and daddy making parenting as well as household decisions together.
Whether we are single or married and whether it is intentional or by accident, we all have to be conscious of the messages we are sending to our children about relationships. Single moms, if you want your children to grow up and build healthy relationships, even if you aren’t in one, communicate that to them. Share some information on what a healthy relationship should include like love, commitment, communication, and trust. Married moms, you are in the perfect position to actually display a healthy relationship to your children. We can use these teaching moments to show our children what good, healthy love looks like.
BMWK, what are you teaching your children (by your actions) about relationships?
By Tiya Cunningham-Sumter, a Certified Life & Relationship Coach, Founder of Life Editing and creator of The Black Wives’ Club. Tiya resides in Chicago with her husband and two children.